Saturday, September 26, 2009

Ask Dr. Stacy

As the author of Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There and founder of the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology, Dr. R.S. McCain, M.D., OB-GYN, IYKWIMAITYD, is often asked by esteemed colleagues to share his expertise in all matters vaginological for the benefit of those coping with nookie-related issues.

While most of these consultations are handled privately, it is occasionally helpful to share with the general public certain case studies submitted as comments, to wit:
Dr. Stacy:
A friend of mine has a question...
My wife and I were not having sex before I began to blog; since I've been blogging, we're not having sex more. Is this a bad thing? Should I be concerned? Should I worry that she's started saying our 85 year old neighbor is 'kinda cute'?
-- Dr. Bob Belvedere, M.D., TCOTS
While this may appear to the untrained eye to be just another case of Lackanookie Syndrome -- the raging pandemic continues unabated, as researches frantically seek some means of controlling an illness that self-evidently cannot be cured -- Dr. Belvedere's friend is most likely suffering from a disease which has similar symptoms, but a different cause.

Analeptic Nookie Neglect is largely psychosomatic, one of the various maladies categorized as Blogger Mood Disorder by our eminent colleague Professor William Jacobson, the Blogospheric Neologian.

The addictive qualities of blogging provide such powerful neurostimulatory effects that, by compulsively seeking the orgasmic thrill of an Instalanche, the patient's limbic system response becomes so oriented toward online stimuli that not even the most overt signal of the availability of the world's finest nookie -- e.g., the blogger's wife bringing him, at 9 p.m. on a rainy Friday evening, a chocolate milk shake from Dairy Queen -- can lure him away from his keyboard duties.

Most symptoms of Analeptic Nookie Neglect occur as frequent repetition of certain telltale phrases:

  • "Not now, Meine Frau, I've got to finish the FMJRA and the clone-bots aren't cooperating."
  • "I'll be up in a minute, I swear. Just let me finish making fun of Charles Johnson."
  • "Would you stop bugging me, for crying out loud? I'm trying to put a trackback on this Hot Air post, and Simpletracks keeps giving me that ****ing Unknown Error Occurred message."
  • "Wow, yeah. That white silk bustier and thong ensemble is nice, dear. Check out this new Charles Johnson 'Downfall' video . . ."
In the case of Dr. Belvedere's friend, as with 95% of patients treated for Analeptic Nookie Neglect at the McCain Institute, there is little danger that his wife will actually begin an affair with the neighbor. In fact, ANN usually has a positive correlation with marital fidelity, as bloggers and their wives are the only category of human pair-bonds whose mastubatory fantasies are exclusively focused on their spouses.

Just ask Dr. Helen.

So the real question for Dr. Belevedere's friend is whether he actually wants treatment for his problem. Unless his wife begins showing symptoms of Delaneymania -- wearing low-cut dresses to blogger parties in hopes of stimulating linkage to her husband's site by his concupiscent peers -- there is no particular reason to seek treatment. No matter what my daughter's boyfriend tries to tell her, the fact remains that no man has ever died from a lack of nookie, although specialists believe that onanistic side effects are a major cause of acute neurasthenia, myopia and male pattern baldness (a clustering of symptoms caused by the brooksianius gergenia virus, leading to the disease that world-renowned vaginologist Dr. Moe Lane has identified as Gerson-Wehner Complex).

So, Dr. Belvedere, the prescribed treatment is simple: Your friend can cure his ANN any time he wants, merely by deciding to step away from the computer, shave, shower, brush his teeth and put on some of that Geoffrey Beene Gray Flannel eau de cologne his wife buys him every year for Christmas. Remember our motto at the Institute:
Good Nookie Is a Terrible Thing to Waste!
Your esteemed colleague,
Dr. Robert Stacy McCain, M.D.
Director of Research and author of Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There

TOTALLY UNNECESSARY DISCLAIMER: This case study has been offered as a public service by the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology, but cannot be considered as professional therapeutic advice. Standards of the International Vaginological Society prohibit such practices, except in such cases where a licensed clinician can provide direct examination of the patient's nookie. Your generous contributions to support the Institute's advanced research in vaginology are neither tax-deductible nor charitable, and may be used as the Institute and its creditors see fit.


  1. Curious in PTownSat Sep 26, 04:10:00 PM

    Dear Dr. McCain:

    I have this theory about a certain Christianist woman. I think she lied about being pregnant to cover for her slutty daughter's pregancy, but then her little slut daughter got pregnant again. That messed up the time line. Some blogger said it take 40 weeks for a breeder from that dirty sex act to birth (although I have to admit the father is rather attractive in a "rough trade" sort of way). I was not that into "female plumbing" if you know what I mean, but then I read this. So my question is, is that little slut the mother of both spawn so I can prove I was right and that the "alleged" mother is a liar?

  2. Curious in PTown said...
    Dear Dr. McCain:
    I have this theory about a certain Christianist woman . . .

    Dear Mr. Sullivan:
    Thank you for your question. Sarah Palin has a vajajay, as does her daughter. You, on the other hand, only have a gaping anus. There is a significant difference, and anal gapage cases like yourself, with no known direct interest in nookie, are advised that speculation may lead to a mental illness similar to Chronic Degenerative Lizardmania.

    Please turn off your computer and take your medication, Andrew.

    DR RSM

  3. DR RSM
    It may be true that no man has died nor has his testi's turned blu and fallen off from Lackanookie however it is true that his female partners vajayniaa has been known to grow together from lack of penatration by a peniagnome. If lack of penatration continues the only known cure is a battery operated device known as tech replacement.

  4. "Not now, Meine Frau, I've got to finish the FMJRA and the clone-bots aren't cooperating."

    Ouch, Chris. I do believe the esteemed Dr. McCain has placed a shot cleanly across your bow.

    I shall be your second, if your honor does such require.

    Your Humble Servant,

    Jeff W

  5. I am sorry I did not comment sooner, but I have been working on a particularly troubling case [more on that in a minute].

    As you know, during the week I operate under the name of Dr. Proctor, Scatologist [except for lunch hours and weekends when I practice as OB-GYN Dr. R.O.Belvedere]. However, I received a frantic call yesterday in the early afternoon from a man I shall simply call 'Sully'. It seems he had shall I put it so as not offend the ladies...a 'Johnson' lodged up his bum, as it were. I am not referring to the typical slang name for a 'Johnson'. In this case it was the whole head of a man. Tragically, this is not the first time this has happened to 'Sully' [I do wish these light-in-the-loafer types would exercise more caution]. Anyway, the extraction was rather difficult and took several hours because, you see, 'Johnson' did not want to come out. We had to finally lure him out my making him believe that you were coming over to kick his butt. This treatment worked and he high-tailed it out of 'Sully's'...ahem...dark place to disappear into parts unknown. Anyway...

    I told my friend of your advice and he seemed very satisfied. Thank you and I will update you frequently with his progress.

    Your esteemed colleague,
    Dr. Robert Oswald Belvedere, M.D.
    Chief of Vaginolgy, Lord Fatheringay von Whoopsie Memorial Hospital

  6. Once gain, thank you Doctor for taking the time to help out a fellow Vaginologist.

    Quoted from and linked to at:

    I remain...
    Dr. Robert Oswald Belvedere, OB-GYN
    Chief of Vaginolgy, Lord Fatheringay von Whoopsie Memorial Hospital
    Dr. Clyde 'Fingers' Proctor, OB/SCT