Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Announcement: Czar d'Oz

by Smitty

Awash, after the fashion of a country wrecked by a tsunami, in the reviews of the previous efforts of Porch Manqué Productions, we called a meeting. Stacy flopped down on the dilapidated couch, expelling a cloud of dust, through which cover at least two cats made their escape.

"OediPOTUS Wrecks and Waiting for O-Dough were a train wreck followed by a volcanic eruption," declared Stacy. "We need something that will deliver eyeballs, not debris. You last ideas were so obscure that nobody cared about, much less had heard of, their sources."

"I have a cunning plan," I began, continuing on through Stacy's tortured glance heavenward. "A dystopian future view of the US, merging the plot of an old Sean Connery flick with an American classic, plus a few other elements that didn't move fast enough." I handed over a few pages of draft in dead tree format.

After a few moments glance, Stacy inquired, "Have you been tested for Mad Cow disease?"

Episode index:
I. Incoming
II. Wreckage
IV. Porch
V. Vegas
VI. Sandog
VII. Vancouver
VIII. Seattle
IX. Lab
X. Dénouement

Stacy's initial take matched reviews remain as varied across time, if constant in theme, as ever:
  • Sean Connery: Impossible! A human being that's a bigger piece of scum than Alex Trebek!
  • Helmuth von Moltke the Elder: No plan of Smitty's extends with certainty beyond the first encounter with reality.
  • Sigmund Freud: Hey, Smitty: your mother!
  • Stevie Ray Vaughan: Hand me down my shootin' iron.
  • Randy Rhodes: Next time the Crazy Train comes by, make sure Smitty is on it.
  • Joe Satriani: Congress should limit Smitty to, at most, Ten Words.
  • Burma Shave: In defiance of 'sane' / Again wrecks this train. /Far more favorable the /Frobnicated follicle to explain.
  • Captain Ahab: Nothing wrong with Smitty that a firmly cast harpoon could not remedy.
  • Joseph N. Welch: You have done enough, Smitty. Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last?
  • Dan Riehl: Thanks, Smitty! I always like to start the morning by throwing up in my mouth!
Czar d'Oz runs at high noon right here for the next two weeks, or until the FBI shuts us down.

Copyright 2009, Christopher L. Smith


  1. 16 shells from a 30.06 Tom Waits youtube. You will be delighted to know that Tom and Dear Leader both have 2 Grammys

  2. I can hardly wait! Not kidding.
    I would have quoted Causwitz(SP) even Rommmel and Patton thought he was the master.
    A little Clauswitz jem"He who controls the heartland(Germany+AustroHungry) controls the hinterland (Europe). He who controls the hinter land controls the world"
    Erwin and George figured it was true still in 1944. Because George was born and raised a stones throw from where I am (Pasadena/San Marino) I love to get him in a comment. Go Cal!

    an old exJarhead
    Cerritos, Cal

    PS I will be checking back to see how our Czar goes.

  3. Bill Clinton: Even for me this has gone too far.

    Roman Polanski: I know the perfect girl...ah...lady to cast as Dorothy.

    Charles 'Little' Johnson: Sounds raaaaacist!

    Keith Olberwoman: Smitty is our Best Person In The World.

    Jharles 'Tiny' Chonson: Looks raaaaacist!

    David Brooks: Oh, dear...how gauche. Its enough to make your pant crease flatten.

    Rich Lowry: I can fly! I can fly! Just like Peter Pan!

    Chris Matthews: Nope...ah...nope...er maybe...naw...ok....Nope, sorry, no tingle.

    George S. Patton: Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. So get the hell out of here, Smitty! Get him out of here! Take him back to the front! You hear me? You God-damned coward! Why, I ought to shoot you right now, you....