Sunday, August 23, 2009

Announcement: OediPOTUS Wrecks

by Smitty

For those too distracted by people named Tonya or whoever back in the day, this work modernizes the Sophocles classic Oedipus Rex, still an excellent read after these ~2,500 years. Give that URL glance, or this series may be slightly bewildering.

As your foremost source of cultural diversion, this blog takes pride in announcing the Porch Manqué Production of:

Which sad little affair will play out in this blog over the course of the next week, with an obscene going up daily at high noon.

Scene I
Scene II
Scene III

Jefferson Williams, OediPOTUS's father, 42nd POTUS
Lucius Sphinxor, 43rd POTUS
Kerry Kennedy, foster father of OediPOTUS
Olga von Kleindrubble Kennedy, mother of OediPOTUS
Pettifogger, Vice President under Jefferson Williams.
Folderol, Vice President under OediPOTUS

OediPOTUS Wrecks, 44th POTUS
Cthulia Williams, widow of Jefferson, Secretary of State to OediPOTUS
Ramen Lewis Cyphre, OediPOTUS's Chief of Staff
Hanah, palindromic source of mayhem
Matthew Olberchrist, fawning journalist
Sandy Hamburger, walking file cabinet
Dr. Esarhaddon Cyphre, brother of Ramen
Rosor, bored mastermind
Thomasina Helenson, queen of the press corps

Porch Manqué Productions has moved couch and chest freezer to make this the best possible collision of Greek tragedy and political farce. You can always tell how well you've accomplished the task by the intensity of the critics:

  • Sophocles: My work! My opus desecrated! Has this Smitty neither taste nor judgment?
  • Baldric: Next time Smitty thinks he has a cunning plan, assure him society'll sooner see Sullivan sane.
  • Pontius Pilate: Note to self: wash hands, crucify, wash hands again.
  • William Shakespeare: He hath sought Puckish, and begat puke-ish.
  • Oscar Wilde: There is a fine line between delightfully clever and deserving cleaver. By the time it reaches Smitty, that line separates a morning star and a machete.
  • "Half-Cocked" Jack: Never has me inability to read been such a blessing.
  • Inspector Grimm: This hoity-toity, namby-pamby, colonoscopic colonial is stealing my lines!
  • Marcellus Wallace: Dis bitch is Pulp Fiction meets some medieval s**t meets mah man Obama. 'Cept Pulp Fiction didn't suck.
  • William Wallace: Speaking of medieval, the ending of Braveheart has a more pleasant face than this tripe.
  • Mike Wallace: Speaking of tripe, at last we have something so fantastic as to make 60 Minutes comparatively sane and realistic.
  • H. P. Lovecraft: Typically, consumption by Cthulhu diminishes literary output. Smitty writes on; fearless, mindless, soulless. Scientifically fascinating.
  • Rob Roy MacGregor: O! many a shaft, at random sent, Finds mark the archer little meant! A thousand words, at random spoken, Would improve upon this jackass jokin'!
  • John Wayne: You've got ta be kiddin' me, pilgrim. Why, I haven't seen a manure stream that bad since they drove a herd of diarrhetic cattle across the river feedin' Michael Moore's ranch, givin' us Fahrenheit 9/11.
  • Spinal Tap: Smitty needs one.
OK, the John Wayne remark did hurt a little. But do come back and tell your friends. Stacy says that if we don't do a quarter-million hits on this, he's going to cut me back to half a pizza crust a day. Do not let this happen!

Copyright 2009, Christopher L. Smith


  1. Just got off the Quija phone with Julia Ward Howe and she's very postive:
    He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift pen!

    My preliminary review:
    Its all Greek to me.

  2. Herman Melville: "Call me Ishmael"? What in blue blazes was I thinking when I wrote that? It should have been, "Call me Smitty"!

  3. Andrew Sullivan: This is not my kind of Greek!

    Ayn Rand: Vat an idiot zy am! I should have started ze novel vit the line 'Who is Chris Smith?'

  4. Smitty,

    Just one minor correction:

    Reads: Thomasina Helenson, queen of the press corps.

    Should read: Thomasina Helenson, queen of the press corpse.

  5. This reminds me of the famous Smothers Brothers production of Oedipus in Branson, MO:

    "Mom always liked you best!"
    "Got that right."