Monday, October 5, 2009

I did not have sex with that woman, Janeane Garofalo (and other denials)

Oh, yeah. You know Janeane Garofalo wants it. She certainly needs it. But she ain't never had it, and she never will. Furthermore:

  • I did not tell Cassandra to make scarce with the nookie until her husband takes her out to a nice dinner. However, if her friends see her and hubby at the Olive Garden soon, you can pretty much put two and two together.
  • Nor did I give Jimmie Bise crabs, blue or otherwise.
  • What do Lynn Vincent and Rachel Maddow have in common? Neither one of them ever had sex with me. But don't blame Rachel. Unlike Lynn, she never even had the chance. (OK, understand that Lynn knew me during college, when pretty much anybody had the chance, but . . .)
  • I did not pay this blogger to say nice things about me.
  • While I cannot deny that Rachel Maddow is a crackwhore, I haven't been able to confirm it, either.
  • Never, under any circumstances, would I click a link that said "Cheryl Crow Nude," even if it was a classy black-and-white photo showing her really lean torso with her hand in the left pocket of her low-slung jeans.
Because I have integrity like Paul F***ing Anka, baby! Which gives me an excellent excuse to quote one of the most fiendishly brilliant sentences of my entire career:
If the Republican Party can nominate Bozo the Clown with the calm certainty that, on the day before the election, Bill Kristol, Fred Barnes and Sean Hannity will be lecturing conservatives about how important it is that they vote for Bozo -- "That clown is a Great American! He's pulled to within the margin of error in Idaho!" -- whose fault is it that the GOP gets its ass kicked and nobody takes the conservative movement seriously?
Damn, I'm good . . . Let's see, where were we? Oh, yes -- the denials! She did smile and wink at me, though. IYKWIMAITYD.

(In case you haven't figured it out yet, what I just did was to fabricate a flimsy pretext to go through Technorati and throw some Rule 2 on the blogs that recently linked me. Try it sometime.)


  1. Hmm. I'm guessing that must be the same Technorati that's showing, under my most recent posts, something I did over two months ago, and that doesn't reflect any links for about the same period of time.

  2. Yeah, Paco, Technorati goes wobbly from time to time. I'll sometimes click it and see "0" links and, as Smitty often complains, it doesn't give 100% coverage, even for fellow Technorati users.

    Still worse, they've "improved" their site so that it has become extremely difficult for new registrants to find the right code to stick in their widgets. Sigh.

    It's tough.

  3. I've tried at least a half-dozen times and it won't %$@#&!# work, so I gave up. Technorati can bite my half-Southern ass [the Northern half wants to have talks with it...sigh].

  4. Olive Garden? I thought you said a nice dinner?

  5. Hey, Rachel is a handsome young man.

  6. I did not tell Cassandra to make scarce with the nookie until her husband takes her out to a nice dinner.

    Right now it wouldn't even take lunch at Mickey D's :p

  7. At what point does this stuff become actionable?

    If Maddow had her way, Palin wouldn't have hired Vincent due to her prior association with you. She is effectively trying to blacklist you with the false accusation that you are a white supremacist. This sort of slander can cost you job opportunities, if it hasn't already.

    Why, it sounds downright McCarthyist if you ask me!

    At what point do you sue these bastards?

  8. Of course you aren't having an affair with me; I'm faithful to Professor Jacobson! ;)