I did not have sex with that woman, Janeane Garofalo (and other denials)

Oh, yeah. You know Janeane Garofalo wants it. She certainly needs it. But she ain't never had it, and she never will. Furthermore:

• I did not tell Cassandra to make scarce with the nookie until her husband takes her out to a nice dinner. However, if her friends see her and hubby at the Olive Garden soon, you can pretty much put two and two together.
• Nor did I give Jimmie Bise crabs, blue or otherwise.
• What do Lynn Vincent and Rachel Maddow have in common? Neither one of them ever had sex with me. But don't blame Rachel. Unlike Lynn, she never even had the chance. (OK, understand that Lynn knew me during college, when pretty much anybody had the chance, but . . .)
• I did not pay this blogger to say nice things about me.
• While I cannot deny that Rachel Maddow is a crackwhore, I haven't been able to confirm it, either.
• Never, under any circumstances, would I click a link that said "Cheryl Crow Nude," even if it was a classy black-and-white photo showing her really lean torso with her hand in the left pocket of her low-slung jeans.

Because I have integrity like Paul F***ing Anka, baby! Which gives me an excellent excuse to quote one of the most fiendishly brilliant sentences of my entire career:

If the Republican Party can nominate Bozo the Clown with the calm certainty that, on the day before the election, Bill Kristol, Fred Barnes and Sean Hannity will be lecturing conservatives about how important it is that they vote for Bozo -- "That clown is a Great American! He's pulled to within the margin of error in Idaho!" -- whose fault is it that the GOP gets its ass kicked and nobody takes the conservative movement seriously?

Damn, I'm good . . . Let's see, where were we? Oh, yes -- the denials!

• No matter how suspicious my frequent trips to Shreveport may seem, I am not having an affair with Pat Austin.
• No, this was not all a clever conspiracy to kill Obama's agenda. It's not our fault that Obama's supporters are clueless, self-destructive idiots.
• I'm reasonably sure Rachel Maddow didn't attend Jacksonville (Ala.) State University, because I'd have probably nailed her. I might have regretted it, but I'd have hit it. BTW, guys who put down Maddow's looks are in denial. She's freakin' hot, in a butch kind of way, and the fact that she's playing for the other team doesn't change that. Sour grapes is not one of my favorite flavors.
• Just because Adrienne has been to bed with Lynn Vincent and Robert Stacy McCain, don't judge her.
• If Daley Gator is a white supremacist, that's not my fault. He keeps asking me if I support Sen. Robert Byrd, but I have to remind him that I live at least 15 miles from the West Virginia state line, so unless Byrd was running for president, my support would be moot. Which is not saying that I actually would support the Byrd '12 campaign, but . . .
• Finally, the assertion that I had something to do with the "Sarah Palin divorce" rumor is utterly false. Mrs. Palin and I only saw each other once, in Shippensburg, Pa., and Todd was there the whole time.

She did smile and wink at me, though. IYKWIMAITYD.

(In case you haven't figured it out yet, what I just did was to fabricate a flimsy pretext to go through Technorati and throw some Rule 2 on the blogs that recently linked me. Try it sometime.)