Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tiger Woods, 'graveyard dead'?

Your daily dose of bad Tiger Woods jokes. He should be grateful he doesn't live in Oklahoma:
"I don't want to have to kill this man, but i'll kill him graveyard dead ma'am."
Tiger should also be grateful that his wife is Swedish: She moved out and will see him in court, which is the civilized Swedish way of doing things.

My wife isn't Swedish. Mrs. Other McCain was in my basement office when the news on TV said Tiger had been linked to nine mistresses.

"I swear to God, Stacy, I'd kill you," she said.

That's her interpretation of the "forsaking all others . . . 'til death do you part" vow. It's a multiple-choice thing, see? I can either forsake all others or die. This helps me fend off the desperate advances of all those lovestruck blog groupies out there.

"Please, Miss, you don't understand, you'd be signing my death warrant, and probably your own, too," I explain, which usually scares them away. If not, I explain that I'm a father of six, which makes divorce a mathematical impossibility. The child-support alone would ensure that I'd be living in a cardboard box under a bridge until 2024, at which point I'd be eligible for Social Security.

One life, one wife -- that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. To have a happy marriage, you need to be committed. I'm often told that I need to be committed, but let's leave my psychiatrist out this . . .

Speaking of crazy, how about Tiger's mistress claiming they had "crazy Ambien sex"? How crazy was it? they ignored the warning about not operating heavy machinery, IYKWIMAITYD.

But whoever heard of taking sleeping pills and having sex? That's crazy. I don't approve of mixing sex and pills. Maybe that has something to do with why we've got six kids . . .

Anyway, Tiger Woods had nine mistresses. And that was just the front nine. What about the back nine?

Tiger didn't even use a condom with his skanky girlfirends. Maybe he needs some of that Obama-approved sex education, which is about shoving your fist in an uncomfortable place.

Tiger's lucky he didn't get 9-iron shoved in an uncomfortable place when his wife found out about his mistresses. But when her lawyers get through with him, he's going to be extremely sore anyway.


  1. On another matter-Sullivan on Behar's show-not to be missed.he got more and more wound up talking about Palin's uterus and the conspiracy.Behar,surely the reincarnation of an old country shtetel fishwife yenta,said she agreed with him.

  2. Civilized Swedish way of doing things? I think you need to take a second glance at your Norse history. Sweden and Norway begat the Vikings: their women were often as ferocious (or more so) than the men. Think about it: why did the Viking men always leave home to go pillage and plunder? Perhaps because of the Viking women at home, the discovered the foreign women easier to handle?


    My wife has a good bit of Swedish in her, so I have to write all this anonymously.

  3. Gee, I guess a Troj-Enz endorsement is out.

  4. You're right, I wouldn't have bothered with hitting him on the head. But I live in a state where there are places where he never would have been found.

  5. "Tiger's lucky he didn't get 9-iron shoved in an uncomfortable place when his wife found out about his mistresses..."

    He didn't try to flee until he saw her reaching for the driver...

  6. "Gee, I guess a Troj-Enz endorsement is out."

    "Hi! Tiger Woods here, for Hustler Casino...!"

    TW: Cuumssess... are you kidding me?

  7. I may have told you this before Stacy:
    Mrs. Other McCain is a softy compared to Mrs. Belvedere [half-Sicilian / half-Irish Catholic]. If I were to do a Woods, Mrs. B. would not kill me. Nope, not a chance in Hell for that kind of mercy. She would kill my family, my cats, my friends, my co-workers [not so bad], my mailman, my accountant, my blogger friends, any conservatives I like, and on and on until she was satisfied. My death, at that point, would be a blessing. So count your lucky stars McCain: Mrs. Other McCain would let you off easy.

    Quoted from and Linked to at:

  8. "Tiger should also be grateful that his wife is Swedish: She moved out and will see him in court, which is the civilized Swedish way of doing things."

    My brother married a Swedish woman. He and I can both testify she has a punch that should get her a bout with Paquiao...

  9. A hilarious must read from Earl McRae, Sun Media. Stand up, the real Tiger Woods

  10. Mr. Other McCain, this is HYSTERICAL.
    Were my husband to pull a Woods, I personally would not have to do a thing. That's what brothers and Daddy are for.

  11. Tiger going to Sweden?
    You can run Tiger, but you can't hide. Some online sports news sites, listed on Dozensports.com, say the world's best golf player could be moving to Sweden to escape the media glare. But if this happens he won't be able to escape the guilt of his actions. Anyway, isn't Sweden a country filed with beautiful blondes? Bad choice for a sex addict.