Thursday, August 13, 2009

This Looks Like a Case for . . .
Dr. R.S. McCain, OB-GYN

My esteemed medical colleague, Dr. L.M. Attila, points out that in the Age of Hope and Change, when any random Obama delegate can represent herself as a "primary care physician," the overall quality of our nation's health care system may be at risk.

Therefore, because of my concern for the well-being of American women, the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology is proud to offer a citizen's handbook for improving gynecological health, Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There.

Because vaginal emergencies can strike suddenly and without warning, I would urge every American to order a copy of Know Your Vajayjay immediately. However, understanding that many low-income blog readers may not be able to afford this fine product, the Institute's staff is currently available to answer any questions about the proper vaginal care that commenters or e-mailers might have.

Here is one recent question presented to the McCain Institute's team of vaginal experts:
Dear Dr. McCain,
For many years, my vagina was quite useful to me both personally and professionally. There was widespread interest in my vagina, which I gladly shared with any man who expressed the slightest curiosity, including editors, publishers and other men who could help me in my career as a writer.
Lately, however, I have had increasing difficulty finding anyone to take interest in my vagina, which has become somewhat dry and itchy. According to one man who recently took a brief look, it "reeks" of stale seafood. However, he ran screaming from my apartment before I could ask him more about this problem, and I figure I needed some expert advice. Can you help me?
Maureen D., N.Y., N.Y.
Obviously, an emergency case. The institute staff rushed this woman's desperate message directly to my desk and I quickly sent this reply:
Dear Ms. Dowd,
You seem to be suffering from a condition which, unfortunately, has become increasingly commonplace for women your age. Sometimes referred to as Kathleen Parker Disease, this is known to medical specialists as twatticus nasticus or Bad Nookie Syndrome.
BNS is caused by years of wanton promiscuity, and most often occurs among crack cocaine addicts, truck-stop prostitutes and Women's Studies majors. Symptoms of BNS, which may include delusional admiration for Democratic politicians, often go undetected for years because sufferers tend to inhabit environments (such as elite universities, low-rent motels and major media newsrooms) where these symptoms are considered normal.
Because early-stage BNS does not usually result in noticeable deterioration of vaginal quality, younger sufferers often believe they are immune to the known effects of the disease -- until it is too late. The onset of terminal BNS, clearly indicated in your case, is sudden and irreversible, resulting in the telltale odor you describe. (While your message said nothing about "extreme gaping," most BNS patients are too embarrassed to mention that symptom, which usually begins to manifest itself in the intermediate stages of your disease.)
Unfortunately, despite decades of intense research here at the Institute, we have not yet discovered an effective treatment for BNS, which appears to be incurable once it passes the early stages. Vaginal death inexorably ensues. Attempts at vaginal resuscitation, such as hanging out in waterfront bars during Fleet Week, will prove futile.
However, with the able assistance of Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, we have recently received a stimulus grant through the National Institutes of Health that allows us to offer End Of Vaginal Life counseling and Vaginal Hospice to patients such as yourself in the painful last throes of BNS. While we are not yet authorized to advise vaginal euthanasia, clearly there is no point attempting to delay the unavoidable.
Despite the impending death of your vagina, the Institute's educational service will be forwarding some informative materials to your New York office, so that you may warn others to avoid this tragic fate. When you receive your copy of Know Your Vajayjay, please see Chapter 11, "When Nookie Goes Bad: Maureen, You Ignorant Slut."
Here's to your health!
Dr. R.S. McCain, OB-GYN
President, Founder and Research Director
McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology
Our motto: "Trust Us. We're Experts."
We ask our readers to give generously and help advance the institute's mission of vaginal health. Anyone ordering a copy of Know Your Vajayjay should be advised that because of overwhelming demand, the Institute is currently experiencing shipping delays which might, like the death of Ms. Dowd's vagina, prove to be permanent.

Our experts are now waiting to answer your vaginal questions.

UPDATE: We are grateful for the referrals from Dr. Mike's Fisherville Clinic and from our Florida affliliate, Dr. Gator's Home For Unwed Hotties. Also, we have a referral from one of our moronic associates at the Ace Of Spades Center For Vaginal Research. Dr. O'Spades has pioneered the development of Valu-Rite Vodka therapy for BNS sufferers.

Meanwhile, a question from commenter "Jeff S.":
Have you heard from Kathy Griffin as yet, Dr. McCain? I heard something about her getting "...a bruise in a naughty place" after the "Teen Choice Awards", in cooperation with Levi Johnston. Or are we seeing the terminal stages of BNS?
Thank you for your question, Jeff. While Ms. Griffin is clearly at risk for BNS, it is unlikely she is yet past the intermediate stage and may be employing an avoidance strategy commonly employed by less-attractive BNS cases. Having exhausted the supply of genuinely desperate heterosexual men, women like Ms. Griffin sometimes avoid vaginal death by associating primarily with homosexual men.

Despite allegations that Mr. Johnston has previously participated in acts of heterosexuality, his recent emergence as "Ricky Hollywood" reveals what "a total closet-case he's always been," according to sources in Wasilla, Alaska.

So while we are not yet prepared to offer a prognosis for Ms. Griffin, it is clear that Mr. Johnston may be suffering from spreadicus glutteus maximus, commonly known as Raging Faggotosis. However, for further information on this disorder, we advise you to contact the Gaping Anus Foundation.

Remember to give generously to support our research.

UPDATE II: We welcome students from Nurse O. B. Sister's Peach Cleft Clinic. Nurse Sister practices in Lithia Springs, Georgia, where I did my earliest research into vaginal health.


  1. Wow, ewww and oh my. Thanks for making me bring my thoughts to places they shouldn't be going tonight.

  2. OMG. RSM you are priceless! As a woman I think your diagnosis is dead on for Ms. Maureen "off her rocker" Dowd. One can only hope that 'off her rocker' will recover and be back to her crazy self soon.

  3. DAMN, that's good satire. I didn't know you had it in you.

  4. DAMN, that's good satire.

    Dr. Stogie, considering your position as a professional associate of the Institute, I urge you to recall what we discussed at yesterday's advanced seminar:

    Bad Nookie: It's No Laughing Matter

  5. "I didn't know you had it in you."

    And you can be absolutely certain he didn't have it in her, either.

  6. Dang! This needs a "SpewFactor Alert." And BTW, you owe me a new monitor.

  7. Have you heard from Kathy Griffin as yet, Dr. McCain? I heard something about her getting "...a bruise in a naughty place" after the "Teen Choice Awards", in cooperation with Levi Johnston.

    Or are we seeing the terminal stages of BNS?


  8. BTW, in "OB-GYN," does "OB" stand for "obstreperous"?

  9. As a scatologist [and gynecologist on my lunch hour], I must commend you on your expert diagnosis. You correctly list the symptoms: 'years of wanton promiscuity, and most often occurs among crack cocaine addicts, truck-stop prostitutes and Women's Studies majors.' But, you fail to mention that BNS is often accompanied by another disease that can be equally as debilitating: Mouth/Rectum Reversal Disorder, MRRD, most commonly known by its popular name: Talkin’ S--t.

    This, however, is a minor quibble among physicians and need not put you doubt of my admiration for your brilliant medical skills.

    Dr. Clyde 'Fingers' Proctor OB/SCT
    [aka: Bob Belvedere, OB/GYN]

  10. These are very sad cases, these womyn with Kathleen Parker Disease. There is anecdotal evidence that some of the afflicted have found temporary relief with chunky peanut butter and a big German Shepherd.

  11. There is anecdotal evidence that some of the afflicted have found temporary relief with chunky peanut butter and a big German Shepherd.

    Peanut butter? According to the Institute's most recent survey of Women's Studies faculties nationwide, canned beef gravy is preferred (47%) over Skippy Extra Chunky (32%) for such uses, with French onion dip a distant third.

  12. Thank you, Dr. McCain. I am much enlightened by your wisdom. My initial assessment of Kathy Griffin has been confirmed (at the time, I said "I wouldn't touch her with a vaccinated crowbar!").

    I also hope that your wise words help other young men avoid a fate similar to that of Levi Johnston.

  13. No doubt this blog post required a lot of research of the subject matter. A probing analysis, you might say! :)

    If this were part of the "Vagina Monologues," MoDowd's would be screaming, "Do me, do me!"

  14. My screaming laughter just woke up every single neighbor I have in this part of the apartment complex where I live. And I don't care because a) it was the best laugh I've had all week; and b) all my neighbors voted for Obama, so they don't deserve any peace and quiet for at least the next three years.

  15. "I wouldn't touch her with a vaccinated crowbar!"

    Oh, you say that now, but to quote that famous poet Mickey Gilley, "The girls all get prettier at closing time."

    Which is why Kathy Griffin is nocturnal. She's never had a "date" that began before 2 a.m.

  16. Dr. McCain: since you quote the great poet Mssr. Gilley, I think it only fair that I quote that other great poet on this subject: me...

    She was whipped with an ugly stick
    She was no great beauty
    She was whipped with an ugly stick
    But, then again, so was I

    [copyright 1990 - Shadowplay Musick]

  17. Quoted from and linked to [with a bonus picture of Christina Hendricks!] at:

  18. Delightful post and comments. Bob, thanks for the bonus picture of Christina.

    Stacy, there is strong, repeated precedent in both the Canonical Hebrew Prophetic literature and the Canonical Apostolic Christian literature for this category of imagery used in precisely the way you have used it, for both ridicule and reporting, or what today is understood as historical fiction with a satirical intent.

    The fact is that, as the aforementioned authorities attest alongside you, "liberals" -- in the First Century, Pharisees and in the 20th-21st Progressives and Jihadis -- think with their crotches. That is the truth which gives the Prophets', the Apostles' and your ridicule its bite and reporting its veracity.