Paris Hilton explains nightclub brawl: 'He was so unbelievably rude'

They called the cops to Miami's Fountainbleu Hotel after a fight involving Paris Hilton's bodyguard and boyfriend. Paris's explanation? In two words, "Techno sucks":

I've been getting a lot of calls and emails regarding these subjects I'm about to discuss. First of all, last night at a club my boyfriend and I were assaulted for no reason at all.
The DJ (I don't even know his name cause he sucks so bad) was playing the worst music ever! I like certain techno music, but this was not even danceable and was frankly giving me a migraine.
I asked one of my friends who runs the hotel if he could change the music and he said. "I'll lead you up to the DJ booth tell him and he'll play whatever you want."
So he walked Doug and I over there. I asked the DJ if he could please play Daft Punk or Bob Sinclair and he rudely snapped at me and was like 'I only play this kind of music."
I think he was jealous cause Bob Sinclair is a far better DJ then this guy by about a million times. He was so unbelievably rude and all because I asked to play one good song.
Then out of nowhere his bodyguard (don't ask me why he has a bodyguard, like he really needs one. Ha) pushed me really hard, that's when my boyfriend, like my knight in shining armor, stepped in and told the guy to keep his hands off of me. Then all hell broke loose, it was like something out of a fight movie, it was so frightening. . . .

Well, that so totally makes sense, right?

UPDATE: I used to do this all the time, but haven't done it since December, so . . .

CELEBRITY NEWS UPDATE!

Yes, once again, dear readers, it is time to wade into the shallow world of the glitterati, where everything is fake, except the snark, which is frighteningly real:

• Lindsay Lohan's dad predicts, "She'll End up Worse Than Britney Spears." Yeah. Except Britney's not gay, Mr. Parental Role Model.
• Speaking of Britney, two roadies on her tour were arrested for attacking police officers in Pittsburgh. Britney official statement: "Roadies? I never saw those dudes."
• More Spears family dysfunction as lawyers for Jamie Lynn Spears try to shut down a popular Britney fan site.
• Joe the Plumber will campaign for Pat Toomey in his GOP primary challenge to Arlen Specter (R-INO).
• Tori Spelling's mom trying to sell Bel Air mansion for $150 million.
• Valeri Bertinelli rocks a bikini at age 49. (Which makes me feel better about that Speedo pic.)
• Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel headed for Splitsville?
• Rapper T.I. cops a plea, gets year in prison.
• "Top Model" contestant talks about her sex-change surgery.
• Secrets of the right-wing Snuggie cult.