Monday, March 23, 2009

How to Speak to an Obamanoid . . .

. . . if you must:
"Hopefully, we can make an impact," said Ms. Kenkare, as she approached a house armed with a stack of pledges and the aim of helping Mr. Obama win the votes he needs to pass his record $3.6 trillion budget.
In what's shaping up to be a different kind of permanent campaign than is usually waged by Washington's political consultants, thousands of volunteers across the country took to the streets over the weekend at Obama's behest. They knocked on doors, stood in front of stores to collect signatures, and urged their neighbors to call their congressman.
With this canvassing operation, the Obama administration is taking traditional presidential strategies for building public support to a whole new level.

(Via Memorandum.) Now, we have previously discussed what to do if you are called by a Democratic fund-raiser. You are urged to study that method, and apply it rigorously if an Obamanoid shows up at your front door. However, since there seem to be some blog readers too stupid to know when to hit a man's tip jar, let me make explicit how to deal with this situation:

  • Be welcoming and friendly. "Oh, I'm so glad you came by!" Invite them in, ask them to have a seat. Be the gracious host and offer them snacks and beverages. Assure them that you will do anything to help Obama.
  • Remember your Prime Objectives. Your objectives are (a) to waste the maximum amount of the Obamanoid volunteer's time, and (b) to ensure that, when they eventually leave, they are as demoralized as possible. Only by intense concentration on these twin objectives can you be fully successful.
  • Assure them that you are a loyal Democrat who voted for Obama. The fact that your address is on their clipboard list means that somehow, somewhere along the line, you clicked a link or signed up for something that makes them think you're one of them. Do nothing to spoil this valuable illusion.
  • Express extreme disappointment with the president's disastrous beginning in office. You are disappointed -- nay, you are heartbroken beyond words -- by Obama's failure to fulfill his campaign promises of balancing the budget, cutting taxes, etc. You sincerely admire Obama, but are certain that there must be some bad advisors at the White House, or some evil influences among congressional Democrats, who have led Your Dear Leader astray. (Bonus points for you ladies if you can actually work yourself into a crying jag.)
  • Draw them out. When you mourn that Obama is destroying the Democratic Party (and remind them again that you have devoted your life to being a loyal Democrat, of course) the Obamanoids will protest to the contrary. Let them talk. Hear them out. Waste their time. Engage them. "Let me get you some more sweet tea, dear . . ." And then find some new angle of attack.
  • Be specific. Try to point out specific instances of Obama policies that will hurt women, minorities, the elderly, gays, etc. If you've got an elderly relative who's had his retirement savings wiped out by the market decline, make sure you blame Obama for that, and don't let the clipboard carriers persuade you that it's all Bush's fault.
  • Know where to put the knife. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will guarantee a long rant from an Obamanoid as much as when you compare Obama to George W. Bush. "I can't believe it! I've been a Democrat all my life, and I never thought I'd live to see a Democrat president doing this to decent, hard-working Democrats like me. He's ruining my life! It's like he's a closet Republican or something. He's just like that damn George Bush!"
  • Save your best for last. When, after you have wasted as much of his time as possible, the Obamanoid finally looks at his watch and says he must leave, be apologetic. "I'm sorry if I've been a little negative." Try to get the Obamanoid's contact information, "just in case I need to talk to you again." And as you walk them to the door, express regret that they are being "forced to work for those damned bastards" who have backstabbed Obama and are destroying the Democratic Party that you have supported your entire life. And then . . .

"Uh, by the way, dearie . . . how much are the Democrats paying you to do this? . . . Volunteer? You mean you're doing this for nothing? When that idiot Tim Geithner is giving all those billions of dollars to those greedy Republican bankers and Wall Street fat cats? Oh, how can they do this to a loyal Democrat like you? Those heartless sellout bastards."

Good luck and Godspeed.

UPDATE: Linked at NewsAlert. Linked by Paco.

9 comments:

  1. You know, if YOU weren't happily married with kids and *I* weren't happily married with one kid, I think I'd set my cap for you... Failing that, I hit the tip jar ;-)

    LOVED. THIS. POST!!!!!

    -- Kat
    www.CatHouseChat.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post. I had posted some other ideas on my site, and you have some great ones here. I created a link from my blog to here, and only thought it polite to inform you.

    Great blog by the way.

    Thanks,
    RedDot

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  3. I stand in AWE!

    Linking to this and quoting immediately...

    Awesome, just friggin awesome!!!

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  4. That is one of the funniest things I've seen all day.

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  5. Lame.
    You guys don't know what you're up against.
    This sounds very much like that stupid "Operation Chaos" crap that the Rush-idiots tried to pull off.

    All that wasted energy is better spent trying to come up with real alternative solutions to America's problems, barring of course the fact that the Right is devoid of any ideas or solutions.
    But what do I expect from a party who's very identity is wrapped up in conserving all kinds of useless ideas, especially the ones that don't work.
    I expected more "ooomff" from you guys...
    so sad...

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  6. Lame!
    Attacking the handicapped seems to be all you obama-bigots and your president can do these days.
    Calling people lame is just another ignorant attack upon the handicapped. Shame on you, Young 4-eyes.

    Wait a minute, whatiya mean, 4-eyes? does your personal bigotry know no bounds?

    ReplyDelete