What parents worry about

Today I went upstairs for a cup of coffee and noticed daughter Reagan watching the Disney Channel in rapt attention. When I came back downstairs, I posted a message on Twitter:

My 7yo daughter now watching "Parent Trap" starring young Lindsay Lohan. Considering how Lindsay turned out, should I be worried?

To which question the only answer is, "Of course, you should be worried." Every halfway decent parent perpetually worries about how their kids will turn out. Even though I know my eldest daughter -- recently engaged to the Argentine Romeo -- watched and re-watched her VHS of The Parent Trap when she was about 10 without succumbing to moral corruption, I still worry about her baby sister.

My wife is worried about how we'll pay for the eldest's wedding, while I'm worried about whether the Pasadena trip will result in financial disaster. So, despite accusations of "whining," I'm still rattling the tip jar -- $5 or $10 might help soothe the parental jitters. Being a Dad is scary, when you consider that tabloid-trashy Lindsay Lohan (who has apparently rejoined the hetero squad and is on Twitter, BTW) was once so sweet and innocent:

P.S.: The photo at the top was found on a blog post by journalist Daniel Lehman:

Ask a Casting Director: What advice do you have for parents of child actors?

My answer: Don't let them become child actors! Your kid might turn out to be the next Lindsay Lohan or -- Heaven forbid -- Danny Bonaduce. (My 11-year-old redheaded son plays drums. That's got to be worth $20 in worry.)

Celebrity scumbag update: Charlie Sheen put a knife to her throat, wife says

What a sweetheart!

Charlie Sheen's wife told police the actor pinned her on a bed, put a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her in a Christmas Day fight in Aspen that began when she said she wanted a divorce.
An arrest warrant affidavit released yesterday quotes Brooke Mueller Sheen as saying that the actor straddled her on the bed with one hand grasping her neck and the other holding the knife. She said Sheen told her, "You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I'll kill you."
He also warned, "Your mother's money means nothing. I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won't leave any trace," according to the affidavit. . . .

I'm thinking this bit of news might put a kibosh on Charlie's plans to meet with Obama and discuss his 9/11 Truther theories, eh?

Roman Polanski 'overwhelmed by . . . messages of support and sympathy'

Mostly from Charlie Sheen I'd guess:

My dear Bernard-Henri Lévy, what you have said in the Swiss press is true -- I have been overwhelmed by the number of messages of support and sympathy I have received in Winterthur prison, and that I continue to receive here, in my chalet in Gstaad, where I am spending the holidays with my wife and my children. . . .

Nick Gillespie -- whose libertarianism evidently doesn't encompass the right of award-winning film directors to anally rape Qaalude-dosed 13-year-olds -- notes the reaction of the Feminist Majority Foundation: "It's bad a person was raped. But . . ."

Celebrity scumbag update

Charlie Sheen and his third wife are just a couple of lovebirds who had too much holiday cheer:

Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller are planning to undergo counseling after a heated fight at a dinner party in Aspen, Colo., that landed Charlie in jail on domestic violence charges Friday morning.
"They were fighting at a dinner in a friend’s house and it continued until the next morning," a source close to Mueller tells PEOPLE. "Both of them were drinking and neither was supposed to be. They both have histories of alcohol abuse and have made every effort to stop. But things got out of hand." . . .
The actor's Colorado-based attorney Richard Cummins tells PEOPLE, "They have two children together and they love one another and they’re going to work through what is a difficult time and they’re going to do that together and as privately as possible."

The fact that Charlie is a notorious scumbag who got dumped by Denise Richards? Irrelevant! That time he "accidentally" shot Kelly Preston? Irrelevant! His lifelong habit of hiring hookers? Irrelevant!

The only thing that matters is that Charlie gets $825,000 per episode of his TV show and he and Brooke really love each other.

For people in Hollywood, it's important to pretend that they don't know how this story ends.

Charlie Sheen is out of jail

And doesn't that worry you, America?

Charlie Sheen has now been released from Pitkin County Jail, according to Aspen Police. He posted an $8,500 bond (with standard domestic violence bond conditions) and was released Friday night at about 7 p.m. . . .
The 44-year-old star of Two and a Half Men spent most of Friday in jail after being arrested on domestic violence charges following a 911 call at 8:34 a.m. Friday. The victim’s name still has not been released.

If there's one reason Tiger Woods isn't really in the running for the World's Biggest Loser Award, it's Charlie Sheen.

Here's a guy with all the advantages -- rich, good-looking, famous name -- who is a complete failure in his personal life. He got dumped by Denise Richards because of his porn habit. The conventions of journalism require me to say alleged porn habit, but let's be honest here.

We're talking about Charlie Sheen, who by his own sworn testimony spent much of his 20s banging Heidi Fleiss's Hollywood hookers. He is a notorious poonhound, in the habit of changing women as often as most guys change their socks, and even being married to a fabulous hottie like Denise Richards couldn't change his ways.

When a guy gets used to treating women as disposable commodities, we really shouldn't be surprised that he seeks out trashy women and treats them like crap:

RadarOnline.com reported that Sheen tried to choke his wife, Brooke Mueller, who was renting an Aspen home for about three months while Sheen remained in Los Angeles.
Sheen flew to be with his wife on Christmas despite their differences, and they began arguing right away, the site reported.
But TMZ reported that Mueller was legally drunk -- registering a .13 blood-alcohol level -- while Sheen registered a .04 on tests conducted by police.
Sheen's publicist Stan Rosenfield released a statement saying, "It would benefit everyone not to jump to any conclusion."
The two married last year, and this year Mueller gave birth to twin boys
Sheen was arrested in 1996 and charged with attacking a girlfriend at his home. He pleaded no contest and was placed on two years' probation.

See the pattern here? It's the Rake's Progress. Having botched his marriage to Denise Richards -- who seemed like a relatively decent human being, by Hollywood standards -- Charlie's next wife is the kind of woman who blows a .13 Breathalyzer test on Christmas Day.

Charlie has no respect for his wife, and who can blame him? We're talking about a woman with such low self-esteem that she married Charlie Sheen. She hates herself, or else she wouldn't be with him, and we aren't really surprised to learn she decided to spend Christmas Day drinking herself into a violent stupor in her Aspen exile.

Charlie Sheen is just a rich, famous loser.

UPDATE: Let we forget, Charlie is a lefty who likes to impart his political wisdom for our benefit:

He has also said that the 9-11 terrorist attack was an inside job, and wants President Obama to further investigate.

Famous loser, famous liberal -- the only real difference between Charlie Sheen and Michael Moore is about 200 pounds of ugly fat.

You might be a hopeless geek if . . .

Having earlier noted Ross Douthat's waste of 773 words on Avatar, now I see National Review's Michael Potemra wasting words on something even more trivial:

I have over the past couple of months been watching DVDs of Star Trek: The Next Generation . . .

Potemra's conclusions about the values exemplified in the show -- which he subsequently elaborated -- evoke scoffing from the Left: Kevin Drum at Mother Jones weighs in, as does Steve Benen of Washington Monthly.

Yet they miss the more important point: Dude, Star Trek?

Of all the things you could do with your leisure hours, you're sitting around watching a sci-fi soap opera? Brittany Murphy is dead, Steven Tyler is in rehab, Tiger Woods is sailing to the Bahamas, and I'm a finalist for the Malkin Award.

All of these important news developments are happening here and now, in real time in the real world -- and you're debating the political significance of Captain Picard's imaginary adventures in the 24th century?

Some people need to get their priorities straight.

(Via Memeorandum and WeSmirch.)

UPDATE: Evidence of Potemra's blunder:

It must be nice to have a philosophy that thinks Jar-Jar Binks was a good idea.

When Pandagon gets to use a line like that against you, it's time to re-think the sci-fi fanboy trip.

'Natural causes'? Ri-iiight

Not since Elvis died while under the care of "Dr. Nick" has any celebrity's death been so suspicious as that of 32-year-old Brittany Murphy:

A shocking number of strong prescription meds were found on Brittany Murphy's bedroom nightstand before her sudden Dec. 20 death, according to notes from an investigator with the Los Angeles coroner's office.
According to the notes (obtained by TMZ.com), the medications included Topamax (anti-seizure meds also to prevent migraines), Methylprednisolone (anti-inflammatory), Fluoxetine (depression med), Klonopin (anxiety med), Carbamazepine (treats Diabetic symptoms and is also a bipolar med), Ativan (anxiety med), Vicoprofen (pain reliever), Propranolol (hypertension, used to prevent heart attacks), Biaxin (antibiotic), Hydrocodone (pain med) and miscellaneous vitamins. . . .
The notes state Murphy "had been complaining of shortness of breath and severe abdominal pain" for 7 to 10 days prior to her death. . . .

"Death by medicine" is not as rare as some would have you believe. A pill for this, a pill for that, pills to deal with side effects of other pills -- pretty soon, your system becomes so distorted by the chemical intake that it's hard to tell what's really wrong with you, if anything.

The question now is whether Brittany Murphy had any disease other than hypochondria.

Cultural intolerance

Dan Collins on Tiger Woods:

Americans have little understanding or tolerance for the Cablinasians in their midst, instead preferring to attempt to impose their values upon this minority. Who is to say that in Cablinasian society it is considered bad form to prefer buxom blondes, or to enjoy threesomes behind one’s wife’s back, fueled by booze, Ambien and Cialis? . . .

Help fight Cablinasianphobia! (If you don't click that link, you're a hater!)

Top 10 Things I'm Glad I Never Said On the Internet

Excepting certain famous proclamations of Gov. Wallace and Sen. Bilbo -- hey, those were in quotation marks, OK? -- this is probably No. 1:

"He's like the whitest black boy you've ever met."

When it rains, it pours for Tiger Woods, thanks to porn star Holly Sampson's description. Did I mention she said it on video? Topless video?

This is one of those Jeff Goldstein "intentionality" situations, I suppose. While Holly's words may be judged racist, her deeds . . .

OK, let's just say that Holly probably won't be getting too many favorable comments at Stormfront.

Or from Denene Miller. IYKWIMAITYD.

(Hat-tip: Instapundit.)

Tim Tebow: Nothing to cry about

Stogie at Saberpoint has a bikini photo of the Florida QB's girlfriend. He lost the SEC title and probably won't win the Heisman, but his girlfriend's got the NCAA Rule 5 championship locked up.

Stogie's wondering what scripture verse Tebow would write on his eyeblack in honor of this girl. I don't know, but it's not hard to guess her favorite Martina McBride song.

UPDATE: Speaking of blessed, I have been blessed with readers who appreciate both accurate reporting and good fun. There is some dispute among commenters as to whether Stogie's photo of Tim Tebow's girlfriend are real, but I think we can all agree they're spectacular.

Tiger Woods, 'graveyard dead'?

Your daily dose of bad Tiger Woods jokes. He should be grateful he doesn't live in Oklahoma:

"I don't want to have to kill this man, but i'll kill him graveyard dead ma'am."

Tiger should also be grateful that his wife is Swedish: She moved out and will see him in court, which is the civilized Swedish way of doing things.

My wife isn't Swedish. Mrs. Other McCain was in my basement office when the news on TV said Tiger had been linked to nine mistresses.

"I swear to God, Stacy, I'd kill you," she said.

That's her interpretation of the "forsaking all others . . . 'til death do you part" vow. It's a multiple-choice thing, see? I can either forsake all others or die. This helps me fend off the desperate advances of all those lovestruck blog groupies out there.

"Please, Miss, you don't understand, you'd be signing my death warrant, and probably your own, too," I explain, which usually scares them away. If not, I explain that I'm a father of six, which makes divorce a mathematical impossibility. The child-support alone would ensure that I'd be living in a cardboard box under a bridge until 2024, at which point I'd be eligible for Social Security.

One life, one wife -- that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. To have a happy marriage, you need to be committed. I'm often told that I need to be committed, but let's leave my psychiatrist out this . . .

Speaking of crazy, how about Tiger's mistress claiming they had "crazy Ambien sex"? How crazy was it? they ignored the warning about not operating heavy machinery, IYKWIMAITYD.

But whoever heard of taking sleeping pills and having sex? That's crazy. I don't approve of mixing sex and pills. Maybe that has something to do with why we've got six kids . . .

Anyway, Tiger Woods had nine mistresses. And that was just the front nine. What about the back nine?

Tiger didn't even use a condom with his skanky girlfirends. Maybe he needs some of that Obama-approved sex education, which is about shoving your fist in an uncomfortable place.

Tiger's lucky he didn't get 9-iron shoved in an uncomfortable place when his wife found out about his mistresses. But when her lawyers get through with him, he's going to be extremely sore anyway.

Associated Press goes there

And you know where "there" is:

Amid all the headlines generated by Tiger Woods' troubles -- little attention has been given to the race of the women linked with the world's greatest golfer. Except in the black community.
When three white women were said to be romantically involved with Woods in addition to his blonde, Swedish wife, blogs, airwaves and barbershops started humming, and Woods' already tenuous standing among many blacks took a beating.
On the nationally syndicated Tom Joyner radio show, Woods was the butt of jokes all week. . . .
"We've discussed this for years among black women," said Denene Millner, author of several books on black relationships. "Why is it when they get to this level . . . they tend to go directly for the nearest blonde?" . . .
[A] study published this year in Sociological Quarterly showed that blacks are less likely to actually date outside their race than are other groups.
"There is a call for loyalty that is stronger in some ways than in other racial communities," said the author of the study, George Yancey, a sociology professor at the University of North Texas and author of the book "Just Don't Marry One."

Read the rest. A different version of the story was linked by Fire Andrea Mitchell on a post with the headline, "Associated Press is racist," which is kind of unfair to the AP.

If there is indeed a cultural phenomenon of black people criticizing Tiger Woods for his (alleged) preference in mistresses, then this is a legitimate subject of news coverage. You can criticize Tom Joyner, or Joyner's listeners, for making a racial issue out of this, but the AP isn't racist merely for reporting what other people are saying.

Imagine the media uproar if white people had made a race issue about Tiger Woods' affairs. Therefore, if Associated Press had ignored the (evidently) widespread criticism from blacks, they might have been accused of bias, as if black criticism of Woods was not newsworthy.

Meanwhile, on a slightly related tangent, the Huffington Post, Sam Tanenhaus and the New Republic are playing racial "gotcha" with Sarah Palin. And, on a very distant tangent, more evidence that Charles Johnson is crazy. As if we needed more evidence.

Miss Argentina: Death by plastic surgery

Dan Collins called this to my attention:

Former Miss Argentina, Solange Magnano died at a Buenos Aires medical center last Sunday, after undergoing a plastic surgery procedure.
Solange, who won the Miss Argentina pageant in 1994, suffered a pulmonary embolism when liquid was being injected into her buttocks the day after she underwent a gluteoplasty (buttock implant). The liquid reportedly entered her lungs and brain, killing her instantly.
Solange was 38 years old. She is survived by her husband and seven-year-old twins.

Gluteoplasty? She died trying to get a bigger butt? I'm sorry, but why didn't someone tell her about the miraculous American butt-growth formula known as bacon double cheesburger?

A senseless tragedy . . .

UPDATE: Speaking of senseless tragedies, Alyssa Milano still hasn't re-Tweeted me.

A cocktail waitress? Dude.

The Tiger Woods saga continues:

A Los Angeles cocktail waitress tells the new Us Weekly (on newsstands Wednesday) that she had a steamy 31-month fling with Tiger Woods and has a voicemail recording and text messages to prove it.
Jaimee Grubbs, now 24, tells Us Weekly she began having an affair with Woods, 33, in April 2007.

How can this possibly be true? Tiger is married to Swedish super-model Elin Nordegren. An affair with a mere cocktail waitress presents a problem explained Saturday:

The Rod Stewart Celebrity Cheating Rule applies here: If you're going to cheat on a Swedish super-model, it's got to be at least an equal exchange . . .

Jaimee Grubbs is obviously no Elin Nordegren. My advice to Tiger remains: Plead insanity.

UPDATE: He issues a press release. (Also at his official Web site.) Alas, no insanity plea. Michelle Malkin puts it bluntly: "Tiger Woods is an idiot."

The lameness of Adam Lambert

Let's face it, he's boring -- which my latest column at The American Spectator is certainly not:

At some point, reasonable people might expect an end to these épater les bourgeoisie gestures, as the bourgeoisie have long since ceased to be shocked by such routine public exhibitions. . . .
More than four decades have gone by since Philip Larkin poetically joked about sex having been invented in 1963, "Between the end of the Chatterley ban/And the Beatles' first LP." Nevertheless, there stubbornly persists within the self-styled "artistic community" the assumption that middle-class Americans are a bunch of repressed puritanical hypocrites badly in need of the liberating influence that only pelvic thrusts, gay kissing and the choreographed simulation of sadomasochism can provide. . . .

Read the whole thing.

(Cross-posted at Right Wing News.)

I'm a lot like Tiger Woods

Spectacularly talented guy with a sexy wife is forced to make an embarrassing confession:

I'm human and I'm not perfect.

I can totally relate. Except that I don't have a mansion in Florida or a Cadillac Escalade and, unlike Tiger's golf game, spectacular talent in blogging hasn't made me rich. Yet.

Hit the tip jar.

How to blog Kate Beckinsale . . .

. . . if you must!

She has a lovely smile, don't you agree? Why, then, does the Classic Liberal feel the need to show Kate Beckinsale nearly naked? True, it is Rule 5 Sunday, but must Classic Liberal really give us Kate Beckinsale bikini pictures? Kate Beckinsale underwear photos?

Such a gratuitous display is unnecessary. Kate has a beautiful smile. Why should she wear anything else?

Say it ain't so, Tiger!

Doug Ross alerts us to this sad rumor from TMZ: Before his car accident, Tiger Woods argued with his wife about reports by the National Enquirer that Tiger had an affair with notorious floozy, Rachel Uchitel.

For the record, the floozy has denied the Enquirer story, but who can trust a floozy to tell the truth? More disturbing is the possibility that the golf champion took a mulligan on his wedding vows to Swedish beauty Elin Nordegren.

My advice to you, Tiger? Plead insanity. Because you'd have to be crazy to cheat on her.

Even though those nude photos turned out to be a hoax (we pride ourselves on careful research here), Elin's still a genuine Swedish super-model, not to mention the mother of your children.

The Rod Stewart Celebrity Cheating Rule applies here: If you're going to cheat on a Swedish super-model, it's got to be at least an equal exchange, and a notorious floozy is way below the acceptable exhange rate for Swedish super-models.

Stick with the insanity defense, Tiger. Your car accident? That was obviously a cry for help. This is a good time to reference one of the most inspirational scenes in American motion picture history:

Otter: I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and in the morning, it was gone. We report it to the police, your brother's insurance company buys him a new car. D-Day takes care of the wreck.
Flounder: Will that work?
Otter: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.
Bluto: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.

Get well soon, Tiger! Meanwhile, we will continue to investigate rumors that people are doing Google searches for Rachel Uchitel photos. These reports can not yet be confirmed or denied, although if Rachel Uchitel topless or Rachel Uchitel sex video becomes available, we promise to keep our readers informed of the latest breaking developments.

UPDATE: David Frum laments that cable TV news doesn't talk about serious issues. As if the possibility of Tiger Woods cheating on sexy Elin Nordegren wasn't a serious issue. And as if cable TV news could survive without celebrity sex scandals.

Hey, Dave: We can't all be on the AEI payroll, OK? There's this thing called the "private sector," where we greedy capitalists have to figure out a way to pay for our wives' Black Friday shopping sprees.

Professor Donald Douglas ca n explain how this "capitalism" thing works. Supply, demand, yadda yadda.

UPDATE II: Dan Riehl knows the news value of this story. Dan's traffic was through the roof back during the Natalie Holloway heyday.

It is elitism to suppose that political news is the only news worth reporting. As a professional journalist, I've always appreciated the New York Post, which mixes real political reporting with garish celebrity tabloid news. Why does that work? Rule 5(B) explains it:

All politics all the time gets boring after a while. . . . Even a stone political junkie cannot subsist on a 24/7 diet of politics. The occasional joke, the occasional hot babe, the occasional joke about a hot babe -- it's a safety valve to make sure we don't become humorless right-wing clones of those Democratic Underground moonbats.

Relax and have fun.

UPDATE III: Professor Jacobson's speculation was right on target, and Carol at No Sheeples Here exposes the conspiracy against Tiger Woods.

UPDATE IV: Left Coast Rebel tries to cash in on the Google-bomb action. He raises an important question: Did the pressures of fame cause Tiger to stray? I doubt it. Tiger had been world-famous for several years when he married Elin in 2004.

A more likely scenario: The routine of marriage began to feel uncomfortably repetitive to the popular bachelor who had become accustomed to swinging his club freely on the world's finest courses. IYKWIMAITYD.

Tiger Woods certainly wouldn't be the first hubby who, after a few years of golfing the same par-4 over and over, couldn't resist an invitation to tee off on another fairway. At which point, Mrs. Woods decided to remind him of that "death do us part" vow by going upside his head with a 5 iron.

Let's hope this attitude adjustment had the desired effect. Remember, Tiger: She's got a kitchen full of knives, and you've got to sleep sometime.

Alyssa Milano doesn't follow me on Twitter

She is, however, following Mickey Kaus and re-tweeting his Slate posts:

Why do the searches for "tweets" that mention various twitter celebrities -- Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, and Alyssa Milano, and even CEOs like Klein -- almost invariably turn up such pleasant comments?

I don't know the answer to that question, and I don't care. What I do know is that Alyssa Milano has more than 300,000 followers, whereas she's following fewer than 450 people.

If, just once, Alyssa Milano were to re-Tweet one of my blog posts . . . Dude. She's like Instapundit! Except, of course, she's a hottie.

Follow me on Twitter. Even if you're not Alyssa Milano.

Her Daily Beastliness

No such thing as bad publicity, they say in show business, and certainly Little Miss Overprivileged shows a flair for exploitating her horrid notoriety:

On Wednesday, I posted a hastily taken self-portrait on Twitter—which I thought was funny and silly—and within a few hours I had caused a minor media scandal. . . .
So why all this Sturm und Drang?
Could it be it's because I have breasts? . . .

Yada, yada, yada. "Everybody feel sorry for me! I'm a woman and I'm a victim!"

Being the first conservative blogger to comment in depth on my idiot cousin's self-inflicted controversy, allow me to reiterate the obvious: It was not Meghan's possession of large breasts, nor her display thereof, which has been the object of criticism. Rather, it was her childish online tantrum -- "getting the f**k off Twitter," she whined -- in reaction to online rudeness that enhanced her laughingstock status. As I wrote at The American Spectator:

Ironically, her egoistic episode began when Miss Meghan posted a photo of herself holding a book about Andy Warhol, the pop artist whose best-known aphorism was, "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes." Meghan's 15 minutes have long since expired and if she is stupid enough to follow through on last night's impulsive threat to quit Twittering -- 50,000 subscribers is an enviable readership for online promotion -- the world will have another laugh at her expense.

She personifies the phony victimhood of the Oprah Age, where the affluent and comfortable seek fame by boo-hooing about the trivial misfortunes of their spectacularly easy lives. Let's hear from Jenn Q. Public:

No one is forcing Meghan McCain to endure the trials and tribulations of fame. . . .There's no invisible rider on the First Amendment that promises to protect the thin-skinned from vile and demeaning criticism.

Meghan's Twitter feed is full of "motherf**king sh*t," as is her otherwise empty skull. That one hears ugly rumors about her from Young Republican types -- well, "sources say" many things, none of them flattering, but perhaps they have malicious motives.

Certainly, it would be libelous if someone were to state as a fact that Meghan is a pushover after four margaritas (and that she never stops at three). Yet my attorney assures me that for purely humorous purposes, there would be nothing actionable were anyone were to react to Ms. McCain's column title, "Don't Call Me a Slut," by quoting Elizabethan literature.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
-- Hamlet, Act III, Scene 2

One blogger described me as having made "vicious and mean attacks." Heh. I'm just making jokes. Or rather, Meghan McCain is a joke, and I'm just pointing it out.

And remember: NO FAT JOKES!