Riskiest Driving CitiesMore at Fox News. For years I've insisted to friends that D.C. drivers are the world's worst. It is impossible to calculate drive times in the D.C. area simply because of the utter randomness of these brain-damaged motorists. A large proportion of them obviously can't read English well enough to understands street signs, and there is a constant influx of newcomers who don't know where they're going.
1. Washington, D.C.
2. Baltimore, MD
3. Glendale, CA
4. Hartford, CT
5. Newark, NJ
6. Philadelphia, PA
7. Elizabeth, NJ
8. Providence, RI
9. San Francisco, CA
10. Los Angeles, CA
If Obama wanted to re-deploy the CIA effectively to save American lives, some of these thick-skulled morons would be snatched off the streets and flown by black helicopter to an undisclosed location.
INTERROGATOR: (Holds up sign.) OK, Omar, what does this say?Excuse the "Omar," which should not be interpreted as evidence of anti-Omarism. But ask anybody in D.C. about the hazards caused by morons behind the wheel of cars with "Diplomat" tags. What a "Diplomat" tags usually means:
SUBJECT: (Trembling.) Uh . . . please, no. I not know dees word. Please, not da shock thing . . .
INTERROGATOR: OK, Omar. I'll make it easy for you. This sign says, "Left Lane Closed 1/2 Mile Ahead. Merge Right."
INTERROGATOR: Not, "OK," Omar. Say it.
SUBJECT: Left Lane . . . uh . . . Left . . .
INTERROGATOR: Left Lane Closed . . .
SUBJECT: Left Lane Closed . . .
INTERROGATOR: 1/2 Mile Ahead . . .
SUBJECT: 1/2 Mile Ahead . . .
INTERROGATOR: Merge Right.
SUBJECT: Merge Right.
INTERROGATOR: Now, which way is your left, Omar?
SUBJECT: Dees way.
INTERROGATOR: Very good, Omar. You're learning. Remember, just yesterday, you didn't know the difference.
SUBJECT: (Smiling, eager.) Yes. Yes. Dees one left. Dees one right.
INTERROGATOR: Good, Omar. Very good. Now, one more question. What does 'merge' mean?
INTERROGATOR: Merge. Yes, Omar. What does it mean?
SUBJECT: What? I no understand dees question.
INTERROGATOR: When the sign says the left lane is closed, what does it mean by "merge right"?
SUBJECT: Oh! Oh! I know dees!
INTERROGATOR: OK, let's hear it, Omar.
SUBJECT: Well, da left lane, eet weel clear out, see? So den, I drive up to last orange cone and den put on da right turn signal . . ..
SUBJECT: AAAEEEIIII! . . .
"This car is driven by the 19-nephew of a vicious Third World kleptocrat. The driver of this vehicle just arrived in the U.S. last week from a country where they drive on the left side of the road, at least if the goat path is wide enough to have two sides. He can't speak a word of English, doesn't even understand the concept of 'no left turn' and if he dies in a fiery crash that kills you, he will be eternally revered as a martyr in his homeland."And you think I'm joking. But the vehicular terrorist/diplomat from Berserkistan is a mild annoyance, compared to such other D.C. driving hazards as the Disoriented Intern Late For Her Meeting, the Tourist Who Didn't Want to Ride the Subway, and the Post-Traumatic Homicidal SUV Rage Syndrome Sufferer.
Do me a favor: If you are thinking about moving to the D.C. area, or just making a quick visit to gape at the marble buildings that local commuters drive past every day, LEAVE YOUR CAR HOME. Out-of-towners should book their flights into Reagan National, call a cab (say hello to Omar!) and go directly to their hotels.
If Marion Barry were aiming to make a comeback campaign as D.C. mayor, I might actually support him, if he would promise to outlaw car rentals for tourists.