Thursday, July 2, 2009

Satan, Attorney at Law

Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne . . .
-- Luke 11:46 (KJV)
Yesterday, I was required to spend more than an hour on the phone in order to get automobile insurance. Who is to blame for this harrowing nightmare? Lawyers.

Begin with "mandatory no-fault insurance" -- by state law, you must be insured before you can get a license. Damn lawyers.

Why mandatory insurance? Because the roads are full of illiterate submorons who can't drive. Why? Because it would be discriminatory to require 10th-grade literacy and/or a 80 IQ to be licensed. Driving has become a right, so that stupid people who can't read "merge" or comprehend the meaning of "yield" must be granted licenses, imperiling the lives and fortunes of us all.

Damn lawyers.

Adding insult to personal injury, as it were, the tort-bar vultures run TV ads -- illiterate submorons watch lots of TV, y'know -- encouraging everybody who has ever been in an accident to sue the bejeebers out somebody.

Damn lawyers.

All legislation is written by lawyers, for the exclusive benefit of lawyers. The paperwork must be approved by lawyers. The various disclaimers and questionaires and the valuable time wasted in complying with all this bureaucratic nonsense . . .

Damn lawyers.

How do you become a lawyer? By being the kind of goody-two-shoes apple-polishing teacher's pet who excels at homework, who complies happily with all the rules, who accumulates a perfect-attendance record and daily gold stars from kindergarten onward, cheerfully filling out application forms, becoming vice-president of various student clubs, and devoting every effort to writing admissions essays -- that is to say, by being the kind of obedient twerp universally despised by normal human beings.

You trod that twerpish path until you get a law degree and pass a bar exam and then -- presto! -- your fellow lawyers grant you the awesome power that you will then exercise to inflict punishment on the rest of mankind until that day (which won't come soon enough for me) when you die.

That hour of my life I just wasted on the phone jumping through those bureaucratic hoops? There is a God in heaven, who sees and knows your lawyerly evil, and he shall recompense in full measure. One day that trumpet will sound, and at the Last Judgment, the wicked shall be cast into the lake of fire, a white-hot fire fueled by the eternal incineration of thousands upon ten thousands of . . .

Damned lawyers.


  1. So if you don't have a car, you can't get a license?!

    Also OT: Obama Orders Military To Cease Operations With Honduras


  2. All both of the decent lawyers in the country resent this post.

  3. What do you call 100 dead lawyers laying in the middle of the street?

    A good start.

  4. Come now, your beef is specifically with politician lawyers and tort lawyers.

  5. I emailed Dean Barnett (RIP) a while back complaining that Democrats only nominate lawyers for POTUS and VPOTUS. Al Gore only made it through 1L, other than that every single one of them was a lawyer back to Carter.

    Victor Davis Hanson then wrote an article about this problem a couple of days later, which I thought was cool because I hadn't heard anyone else mention it.

    What needs to happen is Republican's running for office against Democrat lawyers need to start talking about the freedom lawyers have taken, by cloaked means such as unreadable legislation, from regular citizens and why that's a problem.

    Maybe I should start a website detailing all the lawyers running for Congress from the D's and all that are in office, compared to the more diverse, inclusive, tolerent, and wise Repulicans, whom I still hate with the exception of Tom Coburn.

  6. It's ironic the title for this posting appears (at least for the moment) directly across from "Legal Insurrection" on your list of favorite blogs. Does Jacobson know you are praying for his eternal damnation or does he get a free pass because he simply teaches Satanic wannabes and no longer practices the dark arts outside the classroom?

  7. Aw, Robert ... tell us how you really feel.

  8. Earlier this year while driving on US 19 in Pasco County, Florida, I saw a billboard with a lawyer's photo, firm name, address, 800 number, etc., on it, along with this quote:

    "Someone should have to pay for your injuries."

    I read it and thought, Yeah, but what if your injuries are your own damn fault? What if the only thing to blame is your own stupidity?

    Immediately I realized that in the World o' Lawyers, such questions or issues are immaterial.

  9. The funny part is that lawyers know they're despicable twerps; they torture out of self-hatred.

  10. Glenn Beck would say that the real problem isn't lawyers, but the POLITICIANS whose power attracts the attention of lawyers and other special interests to begin with. I'd be inclined to agree with him.

    The surest way to prevent the abuse of power is not to confer it in the first place.

  11. @The Dead Hand,
    J, you're making a point I developed here.