Saturday, October 3, 2009

Question: Why do people treat you badly?

Answer: Because you let them.

Not long ago, at a social event in D.C., I found myself talking to a very intelligent, funny, attractive woman who is 31 years old and not married. She had just ended a "relationship" with a guy, and I was sort of amazed.

Why was she still single? And why would this guy date her and dump her? Surely, if he had any appreciation of her wonderful qualities -- some qualities evident to the eye, and others that might be learned in a brief conversation -- he would have spent all he had to buy her a diamond ring, fallen on his knees and, with tears streaming down his face, begged for her hand in marriage.

He had not done this, however. Rather, he treated her like Just Another Woman, not as Someone Special, and so they drifted along for a while and then parted company. As always in such cases, I advised the young lady how to avoid a repetition of her painful disappointment.

Update: (Smitty)
An alternative answer would be: "They have the permissions and you can't stop them."
This interruption brought to you while issuing a party foul for saying:
"You know the old story about free milk and a cow? Make up your mind to keep the cow in the barn."
How do you not embed the Georgia Satellites?

(There. Fixed that for ya. Back to the original post.)

Tactics, Strategy and Nookie
Excuse me if that sounds simplistic and old-fashioned, but it works. I'm not saying that women should be uptight, Victorian prudes about sex. And, rather than argue about "tithing mint and cumin," I'll take an agnostic stance on the wisdom and morality of engaging in what we might call minor premarital intimacies.

Still, if it is a husband that a woman is seeking, rather than just another in an endless series of going-nowhere "relationships," her negotiating posture in the marriage market is greatly enhanced if she avoids giving up the nookie -- humping, screwing, fornicating, making the beast with two backs, call it what you will -- until she can entrap her prey and drag him to the altar.

Ladies, please note that this is strategic advice. You don't have to be a Christian or a conservative or a pure-as-driven-snow virgin -- although it would be better if you were all three -- to benefit by putting your vajajay off-limits until you can persuade some horny fool respectable gentleman to make the pledge of "forsaking all others 'til death do you part."

Making the decision to keep your britches on henceforth does not require you to make a moral judgment about your sexual past. Even if you spent your teenage years slutting around like Meghan McCain after four margaritas, this doesn't necessarily make you a bad person -- unless you start writing ill-informed RINO political commentary for Tina Brown's Daily Beast, in which case, you're a total whore with pustulent chancres.

Habit, Behavior, Identity
It is important to understand, in this regard, how sexual habit can become sexual identity in such a way that people effectively trap themselves into self-defeating patterns. The largest and most vital sexual organ is your brain, and a lot of what is nowadays is described as sexual "orientation" or sexual "preference" is actually a matter of mental habit.

By repeated thoughts and actions, people's minds become accustomed to one sort of behavior, one sort of sexual ideation. The nature of the human mind is such that our minds can be trained to respond to stimuli in a patterned way, which is true not only in sex, but in eating, writing, talking, etc. If a certain Daily Beast columnist has a habit of slugging down tequila and then wandering off with any man who shows the slightest interest, this is a learned pattern of behavior. She wasn't "born that way."

Once well-established, these mental patterns and their associated behavioral habits are difficult to unlearn, no matter how unsatisfactory or harmful the results. In this sense, people with unfortunate sexual habits are kind of like people who keep voting for Democrats no matter how badly the Democrats screw them over. It's a matter of personal identity: Being a Democrat is who they are.

And so, for some women, being a "party girl" becomes a matter not only of mental habit and behavior pattern, but also a source of self-identification. One sometimes encounters a woman so far gone in this kind of hardened whorishness that, like Naomi Wolf, she scoffs at the very idea that chastity might be considered more virtuous than promiscuity. And if you try to defend the concept of chastity in argument with such a person, you'll quickly find yourself accused of misogyny or being "anti-sex."

Hypocrisy and the Damage Done
Anyone who's known me for more than five minutes would laugh to think that I might ever be accused of being "anti-sex." If you don't consider my 20-year marriage and six children sufficient proof of my pro-sex bona fides, perhaps you ought to inquire among friends who knew me before I met my wife, when I was a extremely wicked person.

"Well, see there?" says the scoffer. "You're such a hypocrite! You slutted around until you were 29, but you expect other people not to do that."

Oh, if only you knew what harm I did -- to myself and others -- during my days of heedless wickedness. We are talking about harm that cannot be undone, lives that cannot be repaired, dreams left shattered like glass. Had it not been for grace, and the persistent prayers of those who cared about me, who knows where I might have ended up? And who knows what further harm has befalled innocent others because of the ripple effects of evil I did more than two decades ago?

"Judge not lest ye be judged" is one of those passages of the Bible that always gets twisted around to mean something quite different than what it actually supposed to mean. Jesus never hesitated to call sin by its right name.

In fact, in one of the most famous incidents of the ministry of Christ, when he saved the life of the woman caught in adultery -- "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" -- after telling the woman that he did not condemn her, Jesus then commanded her, "Go, and sin no more." Having extended grace and mercy, he asked in return her repentance from the sins for which he had refused to let her die. And who can doubt, from that moment forward, this woman lived a life of extraordinary virtue?

The Vajayjay Gospel
Sometimes I'm amazed at how superficial and judgmental professed Christians can be, and how they insist that everyone engage in a pharisaical pretense of sinlessness, not even acknowledging the sin they see everywhere around them, except to condemn it in the stereotypical fashion of Official Church Talk. To these "churchy" people, it is abhorrent to speak to a sinner in terms the sinner can relate to -- and what am I, but a sinner myself? -- as if writing humorously about "nookie" and "vajayjay" might lead someone astray.

Let's go back now to that 31-year-old lovelorn lady whom I advised to keep the cow in the barn. She was raised in a religious home, and would almost certainly like to live a life that her parents and grandparents could admire. "Churchy" people are effectively telling that woman she only has two choices. She can either (a) be all uptight and churchy like them, or else (b) keep on fornicating like a two-bit floozy.

Excuse me if I consider that a false dilemma. If you live long enough to see a few miracles worked in people's lives, you know that many decent, respectable Christians -- the finest pillars of their community and exemplars of moral conduct -- were once the most horribly shameless of reprobate sinners. And even today, the redeemed may face terrible struggles and temptations as they strive to live up to the repentance that was asked as the only price of their priceless salvation: "Go and sin no more."

When I talk to young people (and some not-so-young people) about developing their careers and initiating projects -- whether in politics, business or anything else -- I like to say, "If you can conceive it and believe it, you can achieve it." To explain what I mean:
  • Conceive it -- Anything we accomplish in life begins with a concept, some idea we have of something we wish to do, whether it's starting a rock band or organizing a petition drive. We may alter our plans along the way, improvising and revising by the process of trial and error, but we must begin by coming up with an idea -- conceiving -- of something we wish to do.
  • Believe it -- There is something almost magical about the enthusiasm and confidence of someone who truly believes in what they're doing. At CPAC '08, a month before I started blogging full-time in March 2008, one of my earliest endorsements came from Pamela Geller of Atlas Shrugs: "The most enthusiastic blogger I have yet to meet." Although I only got 6,000 visits that first full-time month, I knew in my heart that if I worked as hard as I could at it, using what I'd learned in my journalism career and what I'd picked up from studying the work of successful bloggers, I could make it work. Every small success therefore was welcomed as affirmation that I was doing the right thing, and every disappointment shrugged off as an obstacle to be overcome, rather than an insuperable barrier to success.
  • Achieve it - What could possibly be more enjoyable than succeeding at something where no one ever expected you to succeed? Imagine the satisfaction of seeing all those naysayers and detractors eat their words when you accomplish something they told you couldn't be done. You've earned it, you sweated for it, you kept plugging away no matter how often you failed and despite all the criticism of those who called you crazy for even trying. Now you're the freakin' big dog, baby, and those critics look like fools for having ever doubted you.
William Jacobson just crossed the million-hit threshold and if you'll look around, you'll notice all kinds of people achieving things that people told them couldn't be done. Andrew Breitbart was once a slacker with ADD, and Glenn Beck was once a washed-up alcoholic DJ.

God loves to make the impossible happen, just to remind us that he's still in the business of miracles. And when I see someone like that 31-year-old lady -- smart, funny, attractive -- feeling lonely, unloved and unloveable, I want to share with them the idea that it doesn't have to be that way. All you've got to do is to conceive it and believe it, and you can achieve it.

Trust me. As the Rule 5 guru, I'm a good judge of what guys like, and this girl's definitely got it. She must merely learn to negotiate from a position of strength -- keep the cow in the barn, honey, and don't let guys treat you like Just Another Woman -- and she'll have 'em begging for it.

That's why I remind you of the motto of The McCain Institute: Good nookie is a terrible thing to waste.

Update: (Smitty)
Bride of Rove links and ponders this post.

Update II (Smitty)
Further linkage from:


  1. Even if you spent your teenage years slutting around like Meghan McCain after four margaritas

    RS. Why drop to this level? I am a big fan of yours and I rarely agree with Ms McCain but I don't think calling her a slut is the right thing to do.

  2. buzzz52490,

    Excuse me. I believe Mr. McCain fully intended Ms. McCain to be viewed as that "ignorant slut".


  3. Buzzz: probably because Meghan McCain acts like self-respect is a bad thing.

    Stacy, Stacy, Stacy: wonderful idea, but you're missing one thing: so many women are more than willing to take the role of the unpaid prostitute that it's tough for women with more sense than to slut about to find men; men simply dump them for women who will put out. (Granted, those men are obviously bad prospects anyway, but, back in the day of at least a semblance of sexual morality, such an option wouldn't be available to them.)

    So many "good girls" put out, slut about, and sleep around that it's difficult to get young men to understand that such behaviour is self-destructive and indicative of a bad attitude towards sex, not the other way around. Those men live convinced that sexually healthy women put out by the third date.

  4. We teach people how to treat us...and if we let them treat us like something that sticks to the bottom of a shoe, they don't learn to treat us as valuable human beings. Thanks for writing this, it's the best thing you've posted here, in my humble opinion (though I glossed over the name-calling part because that's what THOSE OTHER GUYS do).

  5. Good advice. Something to believe in. It used to be an unwritten (and unspoken) rule of mine that if I could have sex with a woman before marriage, I would never marry her. And, I stuck with that, often. Now, it is a spoken rule. I let them know the score upfront.

    Though it is my goal to stay celibate until marriage (or better, death :), I am only human. I think to myself, if I can have sex with some woman and easily, who else did? The Navy had a saying regarding some women and which ever fleet one happened to be in at the time which should go without saying.

  6. Well said sir. I'd share it on my site(s), but the other commenters are right: The random digs on The Other Other McCain et al. destroy your earnestness. Otherwise, I'd totally read "All Girls Named Tonya." Just remember that Glenn Beck's wife is named Tonya....

  7. Ah Judgmental heuristics and behavioral triggers. All I have to say she is going with the wrong kind of guys. While I didn't have quite the debaucherous youth you did, although I did marry well and I have 5 kids and I would want to know what kind of relationship she had with her father. These patterns of behavior usually start there. As a father of 4 girls, this is something that I take seriously. I wouldn't want any of my daughter to be like that.

    As far as Meghan McCain goes, RSM didn't call her a slut per se, but used her as a metaphor for one, or albeit a drunk one.

  8. Excellent, theologically correct to all corners and throughout!

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
    Eleanor Roosevelt(!)

  9. I tell young women the way to a man's heart really is through his stomach. Feed him well and he'll follow you like a puppy.

    And as for the rest of what you said - right on.

    Girls were taught this in "the old days" by their mothers. It was true then and it's still true. And, no - you don't have to be all "churchy" about it either.

    My mom was so smart that when I thought I wanted a car she sat me down and told me to check out who was riding around with the girls who had cars. It was other girls. Hot girls without cars had boys to drive them around. And, boy oh boy, was she ever right. I never walked anywhere - ever!

  10. Great advice, but Roxeanne is correct. Today, the guys are used to almost ALL the girls putting out. They expect it. The good girls get dumped the minute the guy finds out she isn't having sex with them. (For the most part) I have one daughter who has graduated college and another who is in college. The stories they tell! And the one in college? She's been dumped recently, by a guy who chased her for weeks, the second she said, sorry buddy.

    Right Guy, I wouldn't put all my eggs in that "Daddy" basket. It's pleasant to think so, but it isn't always the case. I know too many girls with great relationships with their Daddy who go on to have sexual relationships outside of marriage.

    It is correct, though, to say what girls ARE doing is not figuring out who is a good guy and who is not. Just to be blunt, the good guys and the bad guys WANT to have sex with you. Learning to tell the difference, as you say, is the key.

    Not an endorsement of it, just an observation raising girls and observing women. One of the best ways to find out what kind of guy he is? Have him spend lots of time with the girl's family and let the family assess him. This has worked for me in helping the girls to realize the guy they are going out with is NOT a winner.

    That's our rule for sorting out the duds: If he can't hang with the fam, he can't hang. Then when the girls leave home they have something to go on while assessing qualities, good and bad.


  11. When a date comes I meet the fellow at the porch, put a hot dog on the railing and smash it with a hammer. I then tell him she better be home early.

  12. This is a great post RSM with wonderful advice on many levels. I agree with lots of the commentors. There are so many "bad" girls out there, that they spoil it for us good ones. Well, just have to be patient and God will send the right man to you, eventually.
    May I make a suggestion though, everytime you write "vajayjay" I think of Oprah, and that is NOT a good thing, just saying! Surely you can come up with another word for the nether region. I just can't stand oprah, she's totally over exposed, just like her messiah, obama.
    Other than that, luv the blog.

  13. Oh, Stacy. You're giving me a headache. Where to even start, Dear?

  14. I have strong views on the subject. Read Adrienne's post above. Women are systematically taught to scam men. They do this by leading men on sexually, tempting the sucker to pony up the cash. This amounts to sexual dishonesty as a strategy. Yes, we teach girls how to be liars from an early age. We also teach girl that it's perfectly ethical to lie - so long as it gets her the greenback. Our women have become sexual con-girls, and sure enough a sucker is born every minute.

    With the sexual revolution, men do not need to chase vayjajay. It's abundant, high quality, and free. Today, in every major city in America, women out earn men. Yet still men are told to pony up the cash. With the feminine fraud so blatant, and the vayjayjay value so low - many, many men have come to realize that our women are simply prostitutes who barter rather than trade in straight cash.

    I won't even get into the vayjayjay-begging chivalry advocates. Suffice it to say, we've let women define manhood from romance novels. The novels were bad. But the idea was even worse.

    15-30% of children born in marriages are not sired by the husband. With that kind of venal incontinence rampant among our women, why not just eat from the smorgasbord. Being single is less fulfilling than being happily married, but it's more fulfilling than being a cuckold. Marriage is, by and large, for suckers these days. I fully support the marriage strike. By and large, women aren't worth it.

    I agree with the conceive-believe-achieve philosophy. I also know that not every conception is believable.

  15. javelineer - before I respond, I wish to clarify what you said and make absolutely and 100% sure I understood you.

    1. You're claiming I was systematically taught to "scam" men
    2. That I led men on sexually
    3. I lied for money

    Is that the gist of what you said?

  16. buzzz52490 said...
    I rarely agree with Ms McCain but I don't think calling her a slut is the right thing to do.

    Look, "sources say," IYKWIMAITYD. The poor girl seems to have some self-esteem issues that result in unfortunate behavior. It's really not all that unusual, except for the fact that she's the famous daughter of a famous politician. If you know anyone who attended Columbia with her, ask around.

    As I've said before, if she didn't insist on using her Daily Beast columns to attack conservatives, her private shame would be just that -- private. But since she insists on strutting herself around as the anointed spokeswoman of The Republican Future . . . well, must we say nothing in reply when we are lectured by such a young fool?

  17. This is up there with the (I think) Family Ties episode where Michale J. Fox (well, his character) is asked how important sex is to guys. He answers (honestly) "On a scale of one to ten" (sister nods yes) "30"

    This post takes that concept and makes it actionable advice. I'm going to find a way to share this with my 14 year old daughter.

    I am impressed.

  18. Mr. McCain, contrary to what buzzz52490 said, I believe that calling Meggie a slut is absolutely the right thing to do. And by the way, "Why Do People Treat You Badly" is brilliant, funny, and refreshingly clear-headed. Nice job!

  19. I did not follow your advice and neither did the first mate. We dated for 8 years and have been married for 27. Four fine children.

    We were put together by The Maker and he has kept us together through thick and thin.

    You want a mate? Pray the Maker send you one. The Maker put us together (obvious to both of us at the start). All other advice is superfluous.

  20. Adrienne, no, no, and no. I just wanted people to read your post before they read mine. Do please respond.

  21. @Anonymous:
    It depends on what is the definition of a great relationship with dad. I am not my kids friend and I know how to say no and mean it. I also tell them bluntly what the facts of life are, what young men are like, and what the right thing to do is.

    As far as myself, I proposed after 2 months. You either know it's right, or you know it's not right, and I don't like to waste anyone's time. I think people in general date too long and don't take courtship seriously. They also are not honest with themselves or there in this regard. Therein lies the problem.

  22. The Right Guy wrote, "I also tell them bluntly what the facts of life are, what young men are like, and what the right thing to do is."

    Pray tell. What are young men like? what are young women like?

  23. javelineer - not wishes to clog Stacy's combox, you can read my response here:

  24. "As far as myself, I proposed after 2 months."

    So did my hubby,maybe even sooner. Been married 15 years now but we do have issues.

    Anyway, Roxeanne is sooo right, nowadays you'd better move fast whether you're sleeping with the guy or not, because another lay is easily available and he could drift off. They kinda like keeping 2-3 or more in rotation, think they're slick for it.

    So, either you lose out completely because you don't put out, or you're sharing bugs with the ex wife and the other GF and the one at work. Now, a guy might hang around a celebate woman for awhile, but only because she's a challenge.

    I didn't like the trend either, when it was happening back in the 60s, but I was taught by my very enlightened parent that sex was "natural" and if stayed a virgin, you were "frigid" or "maladjusted" or worse, had "daddy" issues and could NEVER BE HAPPY. Meh.