Celebrity update

Too busy to keep up with the tacky tabloid news? Via WeSmirch, here's the latest star-studded lowdown:

• Britney Spears is dating a 43-year-old billionaire. That's billionaire with a "b," which explains why you other 43-year-old guys out there shouldn't even bother thinking about Britney.
• Heidi Klum's hotness has entered its terminal phase. An extremely sad day for those of us who remember Klum's Sports Illustrated glory way back when.
• Lindsay Lohan, thief? It's only a matter of time before she's busted while attempting to hot-wire a Chevy in Compton.
• Somebody you never heard of is on the cover of Harper's Bazaar, apparently because she dates George Clooney.
• Elizabeth Hurley's cleavage. That's not exactly news, except that she's obviously gotten about half a million bucks' worth of plastic surgery and now only faintly resembles her former self.
• Liv Tyler's back on the market, divorcing her husband, a musician in a band I never heard of.
• In possibly related news, Ashlee Simpson is about to marry a musician in a band I never heard of.
• DMX is arrested for marijuana and pit bulls. DMX is a rapper. Unlike Liv Tyler's ex-husband or Ashlee Simpson's husband-to-be, I've actually heard of DMX.
• Playboy's latest "Playmate of the Year" has a tattoo. Don't ask where.
• Finally, if this is what the producers call a "highlight" from Leaving Sarah Marshall, just wait until it's on cable: