The crass commercialization of Christmas is not my fault, despite my shameless capitalistic exploitation of the holiday season. Indeed, you might say, I'm a victim of this lamentable phenomenon.
My wife and eldest daughter started shopping at 4 a.m. this morning. The bank balance yesterday was somewhat encouraging of a happy holiday season -- perhaps too encouraging, really, because when Mrs. Other McCain returned home at 11:30 a.m., she said, "I'm worried."
"Are you saying you got carried away?" I asked.
"Yeah, maybe a little carried away," she replied, and then gestured toward my computer with a cryptic remark: "Jingle jingle."
You don't need a Secret Decoder Ring to know what that means. Though she is by nature quite thrifty -- how else to support our large family on a freelancer's erratic earnings? -- Mrs. Other McCain is also exceptionally generous.
So it is that the spirit of holiday giving sometimes overwhelms my lovely bride on Black Friday, to such an extent that she temporarily forgets about our overdue car payment. And our past-due cell-phone account. And our overdue heating bill.
"Jingle jingle," she said, meaning that Mrs. Other McCain is now counting on me to do something -- anything -- to prevent an immediate financial disaster. Past performance has inspired in her a remarkable faith in my miraculous ability to generate just enough income to keep us out of the soup-kitchen line, and I dare not disappoint her.
Therefore, her genius husband is now desperately trying to justify Mrs. Other McCain's faith by dreaming up some new incentive for readers to hit the tip jar, on a holiday weekend when blog traffic sucks.
UPDATE: Among the most valuable services I have performed in the past year -- and thus deserving a tip-jar hit for the holidays -- is the inauguration of "National Offend A Feminist Week," which inspired dozens of bloggers to flip the virtual finger to those humorless Womyn's Studies majors and their self-righteous misanthropic flock of fun-killers.
Among the more idiotic claims of feminism is that conservative men are "intimidated" by strong, intelligent women. Like everything else that feminists want you to believe, this is wrong.
My wife is strong and intelligent. Sarah Palin is strong and intelligent. So much for the "intimidation" argument. Of course, my wife and Sarah Palin are also inarguably hot, which feminists are not.
Conservative men don't discriminate against women. We do, however, discriminate against ugly women who can't take a joke, which is what National Offend A Feminist Week is about. And because I dare to speak truth to (ugly humorless feminist) power, you should hit the tip jar.
UPDATE II: Punk-smacking Adam Lambert? Mocking Al Gore? C'mon, folks, you gotta hit the tip jar for that.
Oh, and BTW, Jimmie Bise and I were just on Twitter discussing the possibility of my going to Atlanta next weekend to cover the Alabama-Florida showdown for the SEC title. But my brakes and tires are worn out from all that high-speed Kentucky driving, so you might want to hit the tip jar for that, too.
UPDATE III: Random Rule 5 with Liv Tyler? Bashing snooty elitists like Kathleen Parker? Celebrity sex scandal news with Tiger Woods and his super-model wife? What other blog gives you all that? Hit the tip jar!
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