Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Yeah, well, the Academy don't give a damn

by Smitty

Look, Gore: we don't care what Thor says about the friggin' Nobel Peace Prize. Putting you in company with Barack, Jimmy, and Yasser makes a poetic statement about you for the ages. Also, the Scandinavians have oil.

We, on the other hand, have to consider the future. We awarded you an Oscar for a documentary, not a drama. That means that the material has to be, you know, valid.

Considering the moronic hijinks of our current crop of stars, constantly shilling for Teh One, the spinelessness of our directors, the utter dreck we call scripts, and the fact that all of the sheep we regularly shear are completely broke, we need a victim. A big victim. A victim with a name. For example: Al.

Now, if you don't want to see a flick featuring a former Vice President who...
  • Is credited with inventing a new communications medium
  • Attempts to re-invent government, somehow makes it suck more
  • Tries and fails to rig an election
  • Collaborates with a bunch of socially mal-adapted climate nerds on world-wide, multi-billion dollar scam
  • Has said scam blow up in his face the day before he goes on SNL to flog some book of his that no one is going to read can avoid the humiliation by giving us back our statue and a public groveling speech of not less than 5 minutes duration. It could go down in history as your first speech to which attention is paid by intelligent people, Al.

Your crappy stunts, and the idiotic policies of our day are so bad that we may be forced to go back to producing material that edifies and ennobles the audience just to recoup from your idiocy. We can't support your kind of rank propaganda--the blowback is killing us. So just fork over the statue quietly, and we won't have to film "Our Choice Assault on the Inconvenient Balance of Jackassery".

For all that, we don't want to appear peevish compared to Thor, so we'll slide you a substitute Oscar in suitable container: