Monday, September 7, 2009

You Might Be 'Urban Modern' If . . .

. . . you don't understand why it's controversial to have a Marxist Truther as a key White House aide:
These days, the [New York] Times doesn’t consider itself biased. Instead, it's calling itself "urban modern" . . .
[New York Times Magazine editor Gerald Marzorati wrote:] "Call it Urban Modern. That is, I think it reflects not a left-or-right POLITICAL ideology but a geographical one, the mentality of the place it is created: 21st Century Manhattan."
Insofar as "Urban Modern" isn't just another code-word for "gay" (NTTAWWT, Gerald) what does it mean?

In a previous thread, I mentioned that city people can't drive worth crap. So an inability to understand that the left lane is for fast drivers would qualify as a defining characteristic of "urban modern." Let's try a few others. You might be "urban modern" if . . .
  • You graduated from a college where the yearly tuition is larger than the annual income of the doorman at your apartment building.
  • You're all about "rights" mentioned nowhere in the Constitution, but don't believe the Second Amendment really means that ordinary people have the "right" to own guns.
  • You actually considered moving to Connecticut to be a campaign volunteer for Ned Lamont.
  • You're a woman who wears sneakers with a business suit while commuting, switching to heels after arriving at the office.
  • You have ever used the phrase "social justice" in a conversation, and weren't joking.
  • You make a six-figure salary, live in a rent-controlled apartment, and vote for candidates who promise to fix the "affordable housing" problem.
  • You are a magazine editor named "Gerald."
Well, that's a few samples to start the list. Anyone else got suggestions?

UPDATE: Typo corrected, thanks to smart-asses in the comments.

UPDATE II: Jimmie Bise Jr. at Sundries Shack offers some good additions:
  • Your definition of "crisis" is when the sushi bar down the street runs out of California Rolls.
  • Even though you think people shouldn’t eat cows, you’ve never actually seen one face to face.
  • You don’t know anyone whose job requires manual labor.
How do you know that Jimmie Bise isn't "urban modern"? He'd be known as Jamie, and would have a business card describing himself as an "Online Communications Strategist."

Oh, and as for sushi, I believe it was the late Lewis Grizzard who said, "Raw fish and seaweed? Where I come from, we call that bait." (The last time anyone saw an "urban modern" near Moreland, Ga., it was a writer from the New York Times -- sent down to cover the 1996 Atlanta Olympics -- who took a wrong turn leaving Hartsfield Airport. His rental car broke down on I-85. They towed the car to S&M Auto Repair in Newnan, which seemed to make the New York Times guy strangely happy. But then the guy made a lewd suggestion to Bubba, who was working the lube rack. The writer got his nose busted, got locked up overnight in the Coweta County Jail, and missed the men's gymnastics finals. "Urban moderns" have carefully avoided that vicinity ever since.)

24 comments:

  1. Woah! What's with all the anti-urban diatribe? Do you think all urbanites read the New York Times?

    btw, did you ever try to get around New York City in a pair of dress shoes? It sucks. Try it one day and the next day you'll have on a pair of New Balance along with every other business dressed professional on the subway.

    I thought it was conservatives who looked down on class envy tactics, not urban professionals?

    We have better Chinese food, too.

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. "but don't believe the Second Amendment really means that ordinary people have the "right" to own guys."

    Maybe you want to revise that last word slightly...

    ReplyDelete
  3. "You're all about "rights" mentioned nowhere in the Constitution, but don't believe the Second Amendment really means that ordinary people have the "right" to own guys."

    guys..(looking up Second Amendment)...guys....oh - guns!

    Smarta$$

    ReplyDelete
  4. You're an "Urban Modern" if you are: a strong advocate to protect "Open Space."

    If you are: convinced that you are a much smarter person than those hicks who live outside of a City.

    If you: won't support the residents in the New York State Adirondack Park determine their own land use laws.

    If you: like to tell others how to live their lives.

    ReplyDelete
  5. own guys?

    NTTAWWT

    IYKWIMAITYD

    ReplyDelete
  6. You might be "urban modern" if...as a bike commuter, you think bike lanes are for tourists and all the usual traffic laws don't apply to you.

    You think people in the Armed Forces are largely there because they couldn't find a job anywhere else, are avoiding a jail sentence, or are other "damaged goods". Nobody YOU know has ever served - why would they?

    Smarta$$ - again

    ReplyDelete
  7. Urban Modern?

    Well, if they want to concentrate on their own little provincial outlook, then they need to quit pretending to be the voice of America.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Let's see.......
    You willingly pay $14.00 for a martini OR you drink PBR for the irony.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You shop at Whole Foods, and think it's a scandal WalMart won't unionize.

    ReplyDelete
  10. What's this about looking down on people who don't like getting mugged? Lots of people don't like getting mugged. In fact, I don't much like getting mugged--nor being stuck in a high-rise without flat, comfortable shoes when there's a terrorist attack (or, here, an earthquake).

    Stace, are you slightly more out-of-your-mind than usual lately? NTTAWWT . . .

    ReplyDelete
  11. To all the sissies who wear comfortable shoes because it's "to get around New York City in a pair of dress shoes"...yes, that's right sissies! Go to Tokyo and put on your business suit and comfy shoes and start walking around. The realize what a dork you look like compared to ALL the Japanese, men and women alike, who are wearing dress shoes and walking more every day than you sissy New Yorkers do all week.

    Geeezzzz...

    ReplyDelete
  12. "You make a six-figure salary, live in a rent-controlled apartment, and vote for candidates who promise to fix the "affordable housing" problem."

    They're crawling all over Venice and Santa Monica. Refreshing the front page of NPR on the iPhone while they step over sleeping bums. The sleepwalk of the just.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You might be "urban modern" if . . .

    You own an Apple Computer, an iPhone, and the latest iPod.. but you bad mouth corporations.

    Dave C (too lazy to log in tonight)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Smartass? sure, guilty as charged.

    you're welcome

    ReplyDelete
  15. If you think David Brooks is a rightwing fascist.

    ReplyDelete
  16. If you use such a phrase as,

    "changes are in order so that the public face of conservatism has a smile, rather than a snarl,"

    ReplyDelete
  17. The rest are pretty funny, but I can't agree with the comment about shoes. Women's shoes aren't built for asphalt. Mine got tore up rather quickly on sidewalks. Wearing sneakers then changing into business shoes is just a good way to preserve your expensive shoes. And if you drive, heels tend to dig holes in the carpet under your feet.

    ReplyDelete
  18. "You're a woman who wears sneakers with a business suit while commuting, switching to heels after arriving at the office."

    That's not Urban whatever, that's just common sense.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm anything but an "urban modern"... UM?... more like a "suburban antique". But I confess to liking sushi, at least the sweet rice rolled in seaweed with hearts of palm center kind. I often avoid the parasite-infested vertebrate kind, although not always. It's my way of living dangerously.

    ReplyDelete
  20. "That is, I think it reflects not a left-or-right POLITICAL ideology but a geographical one, the mentality of the place it is created: 21st Century Manhattan."

    So while Glenn Reynolds is going on about The Singularity, the Urban Modern Man is all about the Insularity?

    ReplyDelete
  21. ""You're a woman who wears sneakers with a business suit while commuting, switching to heels after arriving at the office."

    Dude there was a whole generation of pron about that back when the Yuppies were first erupting. Expensive running shoes on hot babes are HOT! Like glasses on nympho librarians.

    ReplyDelete
  22. you guys really need to visit the city more. btw, I'm an urbanite and a vet. you're welcome. stereotypes suck.

    ReplyDelete