Ask Dr. Stacy

As the author of Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There and founder of the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology, Dr. R.S. McCain, M.D., OB-GYN, IYKWIMAITYD, is often asked by esteemed colleagues to share his expertise in all matters vaginological for the benefit of those coping with nookie-related issues.

While most of these consultations are handled privately, it is occasionally helpful to share with the general public certain case studies submitted as comments, to wit:

Dr. Stacy:
A friend of mine has a question...
My wife and I were not having sex before I began to blog; since I've been blogging, we're not having sex more. Is this a bad thing? Should I be concerned? Should I worry that she's started saying our 85 year old neighbor is 'kinda cute'?
-- Dr. Bob Belvedere, M.D., TCOTS

While this may appear to the untrained eye to be just another case of Lackanookie Syndrome -- the raging pandemic continues unabated, as researches frantically seek some means of controlling an illness that self-evidently cannot be cured -- Dr. Belvedere's friend is most likely suffering from a disease which has similar symptoms, but a different cause.

Analeptic Nookie Neglect is largely psychosomatic, one of the various maladies categorized as Blogger Mood Disorder by our eminent colleague Professor William Jacobson, the Blogospheric Neologian.

The addictive qualities of blogging provide such powerful neurostimulatory effects that, by compulsively seeking the orgasmic thrill of an Instalanche, the patient's limbic system response becomes so oriented toward online stimuli that not even the most overt signal of the availability of the world's finest nookie -- e.g., the blogger's wife bringing him, at 9 p.m. on a rainy Friday evening, a chocolate milk shake from Dairy Queen -- can lure him away from his keyboard duties.

Most symptoms of Analeptic Nookie Neglect occur as frequent repetition of certain telltale phrases:

• "Not now, Meine Frau, I've got to finish the FMJRA and the clone-bots aren't cooperating."
• "I'll be up in a minute, I swear. Just let me finish making fun of Charles Johnson."
• "Would you stop bugging me, for crying out loud? I'm trying to put a trackback on this Hot Air post, and Simpletracks keeps giving me that ****ing Unknown Error Occurred message."
• "Wow, yeah. That white silk bustier and thong ensemble is nice, dear. Check out this new Charles Johnson 'Downfall' video . . ."

In the case of Dr. Belvedere's friend, as with 95% of patients treated for Analeptic Nookie Neglect at the McCain Institute, there is little danger that his wife will actually begin an affair with the neighbor. In fact, ANN usually has a positive correlation with marital fidelity, as bloggers and their wives are the only category of human pair-bonds whose mastubatory fantasies are exclusively focused on their spouses.

Just ask Dr. Helen.

So the real question for Dr. Belevedere's friend is whether he actually wants treatment for his problem. Unless his wife begins showing symptoms of Delaneymania -- wearing low-cut dresses to blogger parties in hopes of stimulating linkage to her husband's site by his concupiscent peers -- there is no particular reason to seek treatment. No matter what my daughter's boyfriend tries to tell her, the fact remains that no man has ever died from a lack of nookie, although specialists believe that onanistic side effects are a major cause of acute neurasthenia, myopia and male pattern baldness (a clustering of symptoms caused by the brooksianius gergenia virus, leading to the disease that world-renowned vaginologist Dr. Moe Lane has identified as Gerson-Wehner Complex).

So, Dr. Belvedere, the prescribed treatment is simple: Your friend can cure his ANN any time he wants, merely by deciding to step away from the computer, shave, shower, brush his teeth and put on some of that Geoffrey Beene Gray Flannel eau de cologne his wife buys him every year for Christmas. Remember our motto at the Institute:

Good Nookie Is a Terrible Thing to Waste!

Your esteemed colleague,
Dr. Robert Stacy McCain, M.D.
Director of Research and author of Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There

TOTALLY UNNECESSARY DISCLAIMER: This case study has been offered as a public service by the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology, but cannot be considered as professional therapeutic advice. Standards of the International Vaginological Society prohibit such practices, except in such cases where a licensed clinician can provide direct examination of the patient's nookie. Your generous contributions to support the Institute's advanced research in vaginology are neither tax-deductible nor charitable, and may be used as the Institute and its creditors see fit.