Ask Dr. Stacy

As the author of Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There and founder of the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology, Dr. R.S. McCain, M.D., OB-GYN, IYKWIMAITYD, is often asked by esteemed colleagues to share his expertise in all matters vaginological for the benefit of those coping with nookie-related issues.

While most of these consultations are handled privately, it is occasionally helpful to share with the general public certain case studies submitted as comments, to wit:

Dr. Stacy:
A friend of mine has a question...
My wife and I were not having sex before I began to blog; since I've been blogging, we're not having sex more. Is this a bad thing? Should I be concerned? Should I worry that she's started saying our 85 year old neighbor is 'kinda cute'?
-- Dr. Bob Belvedere, M.D., TCOTS

While this may appear to the untrained eye to be just another case of Lackanookie Syndrome -- the raging pandemic continues unabated, as researches frantically seek some means of controlling an illness that self-evidently cannot be cured -- Dr. Belvedere's friend is most likely suffering from a disease which has similar symptoms, but a different cause.

Analeptic Nookie Neglect is largely psychosomatic, one of the various maladies categorized as Blogger Mood Disorder by our eminent colleague Professor William Jacobson, the Blogospheric Neologian.

The addictive qualities of blogging provide such powerful neurostimulatory effects that, by compulsively seeking the orgasmic thrill of an Instalanche, the patient's limbic system response becomes so oriented toward online stimuli that not even the most overt signal of the availability of the world's finest nookie -- e.g., the blogger's wife bringing him, at 9 p.m. on a rainy Friday evening, a chocolate milk shake from Dairy Queen -- can lure him away from his keyboard duties.

Most symptoms of Analeptic Nookie Neglect occur as frequent repetition of certain telltale phrases:

• "Not now, Meine Frau, I've got to finish the FMJRA and the clone-bots aren't cooperating."
• "I'll be up in a minute, I swear. Just let me finish making fun of Charles Johnson."
• "Would you stop bugging me, for crying out loud? I'm trying to put a trackback on this Hot Air post, and Simpletracks keeps giving me that ****ing Unknown Error Occurred message."
• "Wow, yeah. That white silk bustier and thong ensemble is nice, dear. Check out this new Charles Johnson 'Downfall' video . . ."

In the case of Dr. Belvedere's friend, as with 95% of patients treated for Analeptic Nookie Neglect at the McCain Institute, there is little danger that his wife will actually begin an affair with the neighbor. In fact, ANN usually has a positive correlation with marital fidelity, as bloggers and their wives are the only category of human pair-bonds whose mastubatory fantasies are exclusively focused on their spouses.

Just ask Dr. Helen.

So the real question for Dr. Belevedere's friend is whether he actually wants treatment for his problem. Unless his wife begins showing symptoms of Delaneymania -- wearing low-cut dresses to blogger parties in hopes of stimulating linkage to her husband's site by his concupiscent peers -- there is no particular reason to seek treatment. No matter what my daughter's boyfriend tries to tell her, the fact remains that no man has ever died from a lack of nookie, although specialists believe that onanistic side effects are a major cause of acute neurasthenia, myopia and male pattern baldness (a clustering of symptoms caused by the brooksianius gergenia virus, leading to the disease that world-renowned vaginologist Dr. Moe Lane has identified as Gerson-Wehner Complex).

So, Dr. Belvedere, the prescribed treatment is simple: Your friend can cure his ANN any time he wants, merely by deciding to step away from the computer, shave, shower, brush his teeth and put on some of that Geoffrey Beene Gray Flannel eau de cologne his wife buys him every year for Christmas. Remember our motto at the Institute:

Good Nookie Is a Terrible Thing to Waste!

Your esteemed colleague,
Dr. Robert Stacy McCain, M.D.
Director of Research and author of Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There

TOTALLY UNNECESSARY DISCLAIMER: This case study has been offered as a public service by the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology, but cannot be considered as professional therapeutic advice. Standards of the International Vaginological Society prohibit such practices, except in such cases where a licensed clinician can provide direct examination of the patient's nookie. Your generous contributions to support the Institute's advanced research in vaginology are neither tax-deductible nor charitable, and may be used as the Institute and its creditors see fit.

Maureen Dowd: 'Obsessed? Me? Just Because I Haven't Written Anyhing Except Anti-Palin Columns Since Sept. 2008?'

Which, as Mark Finkelstein points out, might as well be the headline on MoDo's latest Rorshach test:

At the moment, what [Palin] wants to do is tap into her visceral talent for aerial-shooting her favorite human prey: cerebral Ivy League Democrats.
Just as she was able to stir up the mob against Barack Obama on the trail, now she is fanning the flames against another Harvard smarty-pants -- Dr. Zeke Emanuel, a White House health care adviser and the older brother of Rahmbo.
She took a forum, Facebook, more commonly used by kids hooking up and cyberstalking, and with one catchy phrase, several footnotes and a zesty disregard for facts, managed to hijack the health care debate from Mr. Obama.
Sarahcuda knows, from her brush with Barry on the campaign trail, that he is vulnerable on matters that demand a visceral and muscular response rather than a logical and book-learned one. Mr. Obama was charming and informed at his town hall in Montana on Friday, but he’s going to need some sustained passion, a clear plan and a narrative as gripping as Palin’s I-see-dead-people scenario. . . .

Read the whole thing, especially if you are a psychologist who might render some sort of learned opinion about whatever has caused Dowd to devote her dotage to this quest to destroy Palin, like mad Ahab hunting Moby Dick.

It's insane -- and trust me, I have more direct experience in the field of insanity than most psychologists. However, when I engage in lunatic self-parody, at least I understand that I am making myself the subject of the story. MoDo shows no such self-awareness, apparently believing that she can devote column after column to her idee fixe without calling into question whether she is revealing more about herself than about her putative subject.

There, but for the grace of God . . .

DIAGNOSTIC UPDATE: Weasel Zippers suggests, "When you look up bitter, elitist, jealous douchebags in the dictionary Maureen Dowd's decrepit mug should be front and center." And our esteemed colleague Dr. Kill, recalling the recent medical analysis of Ms. Dowd's condition, somberly observes:

Oh oh, sounds like someone's out of peanut butter.

Either that or her German shepherd ran away -- an altogether understandable Pavlovian response to Ms. Dowd's particular stimuli. Research by epidemiologists (commisioned under an NIH grant managed by the McCain Institute For Advanced Vaginology) suggests that exposure to Ms. Dowd's gaping, arid, malodorous vajayjay produces a 37 percent increased likelihood of victims developing an acute case of Raging Faggotosis. NTTAWWT.

Remember, folks: Bad Nookie Is No Laughing Matter.

DIAGNOSTIC UPDATE II: Thanks to Sister Toldjah for bringing to the attention of Institute researchers the latest commentary on another tragic case study:

"I don't know exactly what about me threatens them (Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter and Co.) so much, other than that people are listening to me," she writes in her latest cranium-inflating missive to the kids on the Internets. She brags that she has twice as many followers on Twitter as Malkin. "And trust me, Twitter is more of an indication of where young people are than books published." Books are so for old people!
Meghan is building a "look at me, I'm such a hip badass" platform, lobbing insults at pundits to prove she's just as edgy as her father. . .

Obviously, this further confirms the numerous reports in the Institute's archives (including one submitted by a Columbia University sophomore who was the last Teke pledge in line at a November 2003 all-night kegger) that the patient we call "Meaghan M." was already showing clear symptoms of intermediate-stage BNS in the first semester of her freshman year.

This Looks Like a Case for . . .Dr. R.S. McCain, OB-GYN

My esteemed medical colleague, Dr. L.M. Attila, points out that in the Age of Hope and Change, when any random Obama delegate can represent herself as a "primary care physician," the overall quality of our nation's health care system may be at risk.

Therefore, because of my concern for the well-being of American women, the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology is proud to offer a citizen's handbook for improving gynecological health, Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There.

Because vaginal emergencies can strike suddenly and without warning, I would urge every American to order a copy of Know Your Vajayjay immediately. However, understanding that many low-income blog readers may not be able to afford this fine product, the Institute's staff is currently available to answer any questions about the proper vaginal care that commenters or e-mailers might have.

Here is one recent question presented to the McCain Institute's team of vaginal experts:

Dear Dr. McCain,
For many years, my vagina was quite useful to me both personally and professionally. There was widespread interest in my vagina, which I gladly shared with any man who expressed the slightest curiosity, including editors, publishers and other men who could help me in my career as a writer.
Lately, however, I have had increasing difficulty finding anyone to take interest in my vagina, which has become somewhat dry and itchy. According to one man who recently took a brief look, it "reeks" of stale seafood. However, he ran screaming from my apartment before I could ask him more about this problem, and I figure I needed some expert advice. Can you help me?
Maureen D., N.Y., N.Y.

Obviously, an emergency case. The institute staff rushed this woman's desperate message directly to my desk and I quickly sent this reply:

Dear Ms. Dowd,
You seem to be suffering from a condition which, unfortunately, has become increasingly commonplace for women your age. Sometimes referred to as Kathleen Parker Disease, this is known to medical specialists as twatticus nasticus or Bad Nookie Syndrome.
BNS is caused by years of wanton promiscuity, and most often occurs among crack cocaine addicts, truck-stop prostitutes and Women's Studies majors. Symptoms of BNS, which may include delusional admiration for Democratic politicians, often go undetected for years because sufferers tend to inhabit environments (such as elite universities, low-rent motels and major media newsrooms) where these symptoms are considered normal.
Because early-stage BNS does not usually result in noticeable deterioration of vaginal quality, younger sufferers often believe they are immune to the known effects of the disease -- until it is too late. The onset of terminal BNS, clearly indicated in your case, is sudden and irreversible, resulting in the telltale odor you describe. (While your message said nothing about "extreme gaping," most BNS patients are too embarrassed to mention that symptom, which usually begins to manifest itself in the intermediate stages of your disease.)
Unfortunately, despite decades of intense research here at the Institute, we have not yet discovered an effective treatment for BNS, which appears to be incurable once it passes the early stages. Vaginal death inexorably ensues. Attempts at vaginal resuscitation, such as hanging out in waterfront bars during Fleet Week, will prove futile.
However, with the able assistance of Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, we have recently received a stimulus grant through the National Institutes of Health that allows us to offer End Of Vaginal Life counseling and Vaginal Hospice to patients such as yourself in the painful last throes of BNS. While we are not yet authorized to advise vaginal euthanasia, clearly there is no point attempting to delay the unavoidable.
Despite the impending death of your vagina, the Institute's educational service will be forwarding some informative materials to your New York office, so that you may warn others to avoid this tragic fate. When you receive your copy of Know Your Vajayjay, please see Chapter 11, "When Nookie Goes Bad: Maureen, You Ignorant Slut."
Here's to your health!
Dr. R.S. McCain, OB-GYN
President, Founder and Research Director
McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology
Our motto: "Trust Us. We're Experts."

We ask our readers to give generously and help advance the institute's mission of vaginal health. Anyone ordering a copy of Know Your Vajayjay should be advised that because of overwhelming demand, the Institute is currently experiencing shipping delays which might, like the death of Ms. Dowd's vagina, prove to be permanent.

Our experts are now waiting to answer your vaginal questions.

UPDATE: We are grateful for the referrals from Dr. Mike's Fisherville Clinic and from our Florida affliliate, Dr. Gator's Home For Unwed Hotties. Also, we have a referral from one of our moronic associates at the Ace Of Spades Center For Vaginal Research. Dr. O'Spades has pioneered the development of Valu-Rite Vodka therapy for BNS sufferers.

Meanwhile, a question from commenter "Jeff S.":

Have you heard from Kathy Griffin as yet, Dr. McCain? I heard something about her getting "...a bruise in a naughty place" after the "Teen Choice Awards", in cooperation with Levi Johnston. Or are we seeing the terminal stages of BNS?

Thank you for your question, Jeff. While Ms. Griffin is clearly at risk for BNS, it is unlikely she is yet past the intermediate stage and may be employing an avoidance strategy commonly employed by less-attractive BNS cases. Having exhausted the supply of genuinely desperate heterosexual men, women like Ms. Griffin sometimes avoid vaginal death by associating primarily with homosexual men.

Despite allegations that Mr. Johnston has previously participated in acts of heterosexuality, his recent emergence as "Ricky Hollywood" reveals what "a total closet-case he's always been," according to sources in Wasilla, Alaska.

So while we are not yet prepared to offer a prognosis for Ms. Griffin, it is clear that Mr. Johnston may be suffering from spreadicus glutteus maximus, commonly known as Raging Faggotosis. However, for further information on this disorder, we advise you to contact the Gaping Anus Foundation.

Remember to give generously to support our research.

UPDATE II: We welcome students from Nurse O. B. Sister's Peach Cleft Clinic. Nurse Sister practices in Lithia Springs, Georgia, where I did my earliest research into vaginal health.