Sunday, June 21, 2009

Rule 5 Sunday

by Smitty

The situation in Iran is horrible. We should at least begin with a shout out to nobility and grace, and hope that's interpreted in a positive way. Heaven reign peace on that country.
Closer to home, we have a...situation, of sorts. Conor Friedersdorf has posed a scenario.
"...a blind date, the setting a D.C. coffee shop, where a 'whip smart, beautiful woman who loves talking politics' waits at a corner table."
Let's run with that. This week's Rule 5 Challenge is to pick a date for a fellow, who, while obviously not CF (I don't begin to know him well enough to offer public abuse):
  • Went to school in the Northeast.
  • Makes excessive use of SAT words.
  • Hob-nobs with Important People.
  • Thinks Paul Tillich was a right-wing reactionary theologian.
  • Writes squishy articles and even squishier replies to people online. They, for some mean-spirited reason, continually heap abuse about his head and shoulders.
  • Badly needs sun, fresh air, and a bit of sport.
We're working least-to-most recent in the Rule 5 folder/label in GMail.
  • The Dailey Gator nominates Angela Basset. Certainly wonderful, but can she discuss William Blake with the appropriate effortlessness? DG's other suggestion was Vanesa Marcil. Certainly a dish, but how is her chess game?
  • Deuce at the Skepticrates provides three possibilities, on the theme of lovely hair. But is all that hair good for the environment? Should not hair products, too, fall under the measured scrutiny of conservativism, for it to meet some nebulous definition of conservativism?
  • What if, as Three Beers Later suggests, she wears a costume? Would Wonder Woman withstand weeping, whining weeks without end? He also contributes some Latina cheerleaders, but our protagonist, unfortunately knows nothing of sports, or any activity leading to perspiration, for that matter.
  • The Classic Liberal points to Gabrielle Anwar. She's British, and an actress. Is that good, or bad? Can it be both and neither, at the same time? Hmm...our subject would require some time for abstraction about this. Wait, where is she going?
  • The BlogProf recommends getting the Led out, and "Going to California with an achin' my heart." Probably safer than Megan Fox. His mum said no one more violent and stressful than an Archie comic book, you know. Bad for the complexion.
  • Same goes for Donald Douglas's Sandra Bullock suggestion: way too many violent movies with her. He needs love, peace and hair grease.

(aside: the reggae version on the new 'Tap release is more brutal still)
  • Douglas also put forth Stacy Ferguson, who, while admittedly an improvement over Stacy McCain, also has the cleft chin of Sandra Bullock. Is that a sign of inferior mental capacity? Does it bode well for children? Granted, we're only discussing a date here, but one must think strategy as well as tactics in these important matters.
  • Dustbury's suggestion of Hayek certainly merits consideration. But our subject can't laugh at the "Surfdom" pun, because puns are so common, and surfing tends to involve water and sun. Our subject becomes incontinent when his foot no longer touches continent, and has a paranoid fear of melanoma, which took Uncle Bipperton in such an ugly fashion.
  • Fisherville Mike's Bombshel posting was anything but. Whoever went to Macalester or Juilliard and then played country-western? Far too low-brow for the country club, that one.
  • Oh, and the Pontani sisters appear far too ill-bred a lot to even consider. Motorcycles, water cannons, tattoos: oh, what disarray!
  • The Pirate's Cove submitted some Hildebrandt, which, while nicely done, fails the pulse check. Even we have standards. Somewhere.
  • Jeffords suggests aspiring writer Jennifer Love Hewitt, but we saw some sample chapters. She split an infinitive. How could she?
  • Paco has come through in high style with screen sirens of the past. Unfortunately, our subject's recreational nostalgia never overcame the necrophobia. Again, the pulse check.
  • Chris at the WyBlog, while not making a specific date suggestion, does offer a good location for some grooming before the big date.
  • Robert at The Camp of the Saints suggests Julie London, who, sadly, is about a decade out of range, according to Wikipedia.
  • The BlogProf has submitted samples of the Brady Bundchen and her predecessor. Our protagonist is not even sort of capable of competing with an NFL quarterback in anything heavier than combat origami, alas. Should we also consider MeMe Roth? For anything? Look, our client is half again as self-centered, and would "weigh in" at MeMeMe on the MeMe scale. It just wouldn't work. Not even in an absurd blog post.
  • Carol at No Sheeples Here misses Susan Hayward. It's too bad she also fails the pulse check. Is it possible that Hollywood has jumped the shark of actual beauty? Discuss in the comments.
  • Track-a-'Crat insists Megan Fox is "the perfect woman for Conor Friedersdorf". Unfortunately, Jon, we're not *ha* talking about *haha* Conor in this post--wouldn't that be rude? You have to understand that Megan, while lovely in the photo, is obviously sporting a counterfeit 12th Century B.C. Minoan napkin-dress clasp. As you might suspect, such a non-command of even basic archaeology places her in the discard bin.
  • The cosmic winner is, of course, Deuce at Skepticrats. Because the key to success here is the ability to find a woman who ignores argumentation, from the lengthy, well-reasoned variety, all the way down to the hyper-minimalist "No". Deuce, you win three entire internets and a case of Rice-a-Roni.
Now, based upon the DoubleThink article, our hypothetical smart preppy dude has tastes that run to the traditional. Our subject could, however, seek advice on manliness from any of the following gentlemen:
  • Fausta, still maintaining that "it's not about the chest hair", posted a Lee Fisher link.
  • Carol's Closet featured Mark Steyn, brutally funny as he is, I daresay, handsome.
  • Those needing a crooner fix are directed to Pat, down in Shreveport, who has a relaxing Bobby Darin clip on offer.
  • The BlogProf offered a Shatner moment, which we'll include down here to buff up the ladies' section. He also had a thorough discussion on the Ninja POTUS swatting a fly, also with Kristen Powers reporting on Fox.
That's your Rule 5 Sunday. Mail tasteful cheesecake to Smitty. Gather with your local Tea Party to plot the "We the People" restoration. And hit the tip jar.

The Patriot Room sends an update of Iranian beauties that are inarguably more fortunate than Neda, may the Almighty grant rest to that lady.


  1. A masterful compilation, Smitty!

    You ARE the man!

  2. Rule 5 Sunday Challenge response posted.

    May God Have Mercy On Your Soul...

  3. I was considering submitting Che Guevara's (*phhht*) granddaughter, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

    If you wanna see her (wearing carrots for a PETA campaign, I kid you not) then kindly hop over to my site - it's the second post down on the home page.

    I would've posted a link, but...

  4. WTF is a Conor Friedersdorf?
    A Conor Friedersdorf is a portal into political fantasy. A place where 'real' conservatives post alongside articles like 'Sarah Palin Naked' and Bill Maher can question whether or not Sean Hannity is a "secret child fu**er." They don't use *'s over there, 'cause they are sophisticated.

    Of course, a Friedersdorf is far too busy to challenge these intellectual heavyweights, and must instead act embarrassed about things like Liberal Fascism. Actually telling his taskmasters at the Huff Po that they are Fascists and Commies, does not occur to the Friedersdorf. He is busy apologizing for those embarrassing friends of his.

    A Conor Friedersdorf is something so far removed from the American working class, that he will never be introduced to a machinist, carpenter or a telecom engineer at a Winghouse lunch. Such things are beneath the Friedersdorf.

    The Friedersdorf does not know about liberals love of Mussolini because his liberal teachers left that part out. The Friedersdorf dares not to tell the liberal friends to quit crying about the apt title and actually refute the arguments.

    This is because the Friedersdorf doesn't know any of the arguments in the first place.