Monday, March 9, 2009

How Not to Get a Million Hits On Your Blog, And Not Score With Hotties. Ever.

First, accuse Suzanna Logan of being a homophobe.

Next, try to walk it back when you belatedly realize she's hot.

Then, jump into her comments like you're completely obsessed with her.

Finally, do a roundup post, displaying to the world that you've spent your entire day making a complete fool of yourself. Oh, and along the way, be sure to call her "sweettits" and include a lame Photoshop of you with her.

When you're through doing that, go to a Castro Street glory hole, offering up your rump to complete strangers, while bragging that you've got more than 25,000 hits on your blog in the past 13 months.

Losers. They're born that way.

P.S.: How do you know that Suzanna is so intolerant of homosexuals? For all we know, when Suzanna and Moe get together to watch Jason Mattera videos, they drink a few pina coladas, share their feelings of desperate loneliness, break out the digital camcorder . . .

By the way, Little Mister Loser, did you see how Moe body-slammed Megan McCain? Moe also smokes Marlboro Reds. NTTAWWT.

UPDATE: William Jacobson diagnoses a new BRD (Blog-Related Disorder), SiteMeterenFreude:
"deriving pleasure from the failure of other bloggers to generate traffic"
He swears he'll never succumb to this one, but I needed an outlet for my ailing spleen between David Brooks columns. Since swearing off Douthat-bashing for Lent (and I'm not even Catholic), I find myself easily provoked to punk-smacking. So when this idiot wandered into my crosshairs, he was automatically going to get it like Carlo got it from Sonny Corleone.

What's making it worse is that my friends are taunting me, egging me on, for the sheer voyeuristic thrill of watching me rip a new one on some unsuspecting victim. My old "friend" Ken Hanner just sent me an e-mail containing precisely one sentence:
Ross Douthat is on Washingtonian Magazine's list of Most Influential People Under 40.
Yeah. (Grit teeth.) Congratulations, Ross! I'm shaking the tip jar and hustling T-shirts, and you're so gosh-darn "influential"! I wish you all the best!

God help the next "centrist Republican" idiot who says anything nasty about Rush, Ann or Sarah. The Fierce Populist Ad Hominem Hammer From Hell is ready for 'em, with an aching spleen full of punk-smacking bile.

UPDATE II: You see what happens to a guy when he's not "influential"? His own minions start plotting against him in the comment field. Watch it, Logan. It's against my religion to punk-smack a girl, but if you don't want those Godiva chocolates, maybe Michelle Lee Muccio does.

UPDATE III: A commenter helpfully informs me that bile comes from the liver, not the spleen. OK, so I didn't major in biology. It's a blog, not a scientific journal. However, I do know where babies come from.


  1. Frank admission watch:

    JBW is completely obssessed with her!

  2. Wait a second, did I miss something? What does my smoking Marb reds have to do with anything?

  3. I don't know, Moe, but doesn't it sound naughty?

  4. Stacy - I prefer a Gin and Tonic.

    Moe - how's about coming to my place tonight? It's only 800 miles away. I would make it worth your while - by helping hatch a plan to get RSM back for all this!

  5. I guess JBW must've misplaced that Republic Party issued, all-purpose "THIS IS HUMOR!" disclaimer the rest of y'all are using... While I question whether it would've helped, it certainly couldn't've hurt...


  6. McCain, after I recover from being called on the carpet, I'll come back with a crushing reply. Or, at least, I would if I didn't know you were ruthless enough to actually follow through.

    Alls fair in love and blogs.

  7. Thanks for getting my back here, Reppy.

    Other McC, you're cracking me up with the grumpy old man schtick! Don't you go changing.

  8. S.Logan, if I had seen this earlier, I would have taken a red eye. I can't wait to throw down with you in the Jell-O pit!