"I don't want to have to kill this man, but i'll kill him graveyard dead ma'am."Tiger should also be grateful that his wife is Swedish: She moved out and will see him in court, which is the civilized Swedish way of doing things.
My wife isn't Swedish. Mrs. Other McCain was in my basement office when the news on TV said Tiger had been linked to nine mistresses.
"I swear to God, Stacy, I'd kill you," she said.
That's her interpretation of the "forsaking all others . . . 'til death do you part" vow. It's a multiple-choice thing, see? I can either forsake all others or die. This helps me fend off the desperate advances of all those lovestruck blog groupies out there.
"Please, Miss, you don't understand, you'd be signing my death warrant, and probably your own, too," I explain, which usually scares them away. If not, I explain that I'm a father of six, which makes divorce a mathematical impossibility. The child-support alone would ensure that I'd be living in a cardboard box under a bridge until 2024, at which point I'd be eligible for Social Security.
One life, one wife -- that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. To have a happy marriage, you need to be committed. I'm often told that I need to be committed, but let's leave my psychiatrist out this . . .
Speaking of crazy, how about Tiger's mistress claiming they had "crazy Ambien sex"? How crazy was it? they ignored the warning about not operating heavy machinery, IYKWIMAITYD.
But whoever heard of taking sleeping pills and having sex? That's crazy. I don't approve of mixing sex and pills. Maybe that has something to do with why we've got six kids . . .
Anyway, Tiger Woods had nine mistresses. And that was just the front nine. What about the back nine?
Tiger didn't even use a condom with his skanky girlfirends. Maybe he needs some of that Obama-approved sex education, which is about shoving your fist in an uncomfortable place.
Tiger's lucky he didn't get 9-iron shoved in an uncomfortable place when his wife found out about his mistresses. But when her lawyers get through with him, he's going to be extremely sore anyway.