Conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain isn’t sure whether his candidate should welcome his new supporter . . .
My candidate? Crazy Cousin John? Oh, no.
My candidate is Bob Barr, and not entirely because he promised to appoint me ambassador to Costa Rica.
See, I was there at the conception of the Barr juggernaut. It was about 11:30 p.m., Friday, Feb. 8. The day before, Mitt Romney quit. Then Jesse the hotel security guard raided our CPAC party, and after that, Ron Paul punked out. The conservative movement was kaput, the Republican Party was screwed, and America was doomed.
That's when, through the thick clouds of cigar smoke at Shelley's Backroom Tavern, Stephen Gordon saw a glimmer of hope: DRAFT BARR. I'm saving that twisted story for the book, so I'll leave it to your sick mind to imagine the arcane Machiavellian maneuvers involved in that operation.
Three days later, I flew to Africa, fully expecting that by the time I got back stateside, the mighty Clinton slime machine would have pulverized Obama into a greasy residue of Hope. So the matchup for November would be John McCain, the least popular Republican since Tom Dewey, versus Hillary Clinton, whose favorable ratings are slightly lower than Squeaky Fromme's. A perfect opportunity for the Barr insurgency!
Well, Patti Solis Doyle screwed up that scenario so badly not even Rush Limbaugh could fix it. Good-bye, President Barr. Good-bye, Costa Rica.
The only hope now was that one or the other major-party campaigns would collapse in a Mondalean-Dukakoid meltdown. As weak as the GOP brand has become, they're still good for at least 37 percent in a bad year, which isn't enough breathing room for the Libertarians to come out on top. But the Democrats ...
Let's get real. When you nominate a guy named Hussein, who hangs out with terrorists and spent 20 years in a church where "God D--- America" is a popular sermon topic, this isn't exactly a strong bid for those middle-of-the-road voters in Ohio, is it? After Crazy Cousin John locked up the GOP nomination, I had no doubt the Republicans were actually trying to lose the election, but then the Democrats beat them at their own game.
If you've paid close attention to this blog, for a couple of months, I sort of alternated between "Democratic Debacle" and "Republican Disaster" themes, but lately it's been almost nonstop bungles by Team Obama. And then Maverick picked that hot chick from Alaska as his running mate versus Joe Hairplugs, which pretty much sealed the deal.
On Nov. 4, I'm going to vote for Bob Barr, the only sane choice in this insane election. Unfortunately, a majority of my fellow Maryland residents -- motivated by a cruel and perverse desire to prevent me from achieving my destiny as U.S. Ambassador to Costa Rica -- will throw their votes away on that minor third-party candidate, Barack Hussein Obama.
By voting for a hopeless third-party spoiler like Obama, these idiots are taking votes away from the Barr-Root ticket, and thus ensuring the election of Crazy Cousin John. Don't say I didn't try to warn America about this. And remember, I'm a greedy right-wing capitalist blogger, so don't be surprised when I become fabulously wealthy selling these:This product is going to be more popular than Sarah Palin bikini pictures.