Celebrity News Update

How long has it been since we've waded into the world of the glitterati? Too long!

• Madonna pays off her ex-husband. The divorce settlement is reported at 32 million British pounds, which is somewhere north of $50 million. Why so much? It was worth at least that much to include a clause that forbids Guy Ritchie from telling the world that Madonna's nether regions resemble a cross between the Grand Canyon and a Red Lobster seafood platter.
• Which member of the Spears family likes to get drunk and threaten people with knives? "All of the above" is not an option.
• And what does Britney plan to do for Christmas? "Family time" -- hide the booze and the cutlery!
• Britney's first husband jailed for probation violation, no word on whether knives were involved.
• Jamie Lynn Spears infuriated by liposuction rumors, threatens lawsuit. Also, guzzles gin and brandishes knife.
• "X-Men" star tries super-powers in South Dakota bar fight, gets his butt kicked.
• Otherwise attractive actress exposes herself as a humorless feminist troll.
• Porn pioneer Bettie Page, 85, in critical condition.
• MTV reality-show loser dies in car wreck.
• Swiss dude getting some Shania Twain action. (As if I needed another reason to hate foreigners.)

OK, that's enough celebrity sleaze for now. Don't you feel dirty?