Therefore, because of my concern for the well-being of American women, the McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology is proud to offer a citizen's handbook for improving gynecological health, Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What's Up Down There.
Because vaginal emergencies can strike suddenly and without warning, I would urge every American to order a copy of Know Your Vajayjay immediately. However, understanding that many low-income blog readers may not be able to afford this fine product, the Institute's staff is currently available to answer any questions about the proper vaginal care that commenters or e-mailers might have.
Here is one recent question presented to the McCain Institute's team of vaginal experts:
Dear Dr. McCain,Obviously, an emergency case. The institute staff rushed this woman's desperate message directly to my desk and I quickly sent this reply:
For many years, my vagina was quite useful to me both personally and professionally. There was widespread interest in my vagina, which I gladly shared with any man who expressed the slightest curiosity, including editors, publishers and other men who could help me in my career as a writer.
Lately, however, I have had increasing difficulty finding anyone to take interest in my vagina, which has become somewhat dry and itchy. According to one man who recently took a brief look, it "reeks" of stale seafood. However, he ran screaming from my apartment before I could ask him more about this problem, and I figure I needed some expert advice. Can you help me?
Maureen D., N.Y., N.Y.
Dear Ms. Dowd,We ask our readers to give generously and help advance the institute's mission of vaginal health. Anyone ordering a copy of Know Your Vajayjay should be advised that because of overwhelming demand, the Institute is currently experiencing shipping delays which might, like the death of Ms. Dowd's vagina, prove to be permanent.
You seem to be suffering from a condition which, unfortunately, has become increasingly commonplace for women your age. Sometimes referred to as Kathleen Parker Disease, this is known to medical specialists as twatticus nasticus or Bad Nookie Syndrome.
BNS is caused by years of wanton promiscuity, and most often occurs among crack cocaine addicts, truck-stop prostitutes and Women's Studies majors. Symptoms of BNS, which may include delusional admiration for Democratic politicians, often go undetected for years because sufferers tend to inhabit environments (such as elite universities, low-rent motels and major media newsrooms) where these symptoms are considered normal.
Because early-stage BNS does not usually result in noticeable deterioration of vaginal quality, younger sufferers often believe they are immune to the known effects of the disease -- until it is too late. The onset of terminal BNS, clearly indicated in your case, is sudden and irreversible, resulting in the telltale odor you describe. (While your message said nothing about "extreme gaping," most BNS patients are too embarrassed to mention that symptom, which usually begins to manifest itself in the intermediate stages of your disease.)
Unfortunately, despite decades of intense research here at the Institute, we have not yet discovered an effective treatment for BNS, which appears to be incurable once it passes the early stages. Vaginal death inexorably ensues. Attempts at vaginal resuscitation, such as hanging out in waterfront bars during Fleet Week, will prove futile.
However, with the able assistance of Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, we have recently received a stimulus grant through the National Institutes of Health that allows us to offer End Of Vaginal Life counseling and Vaginal Hospice to patients such as yourself in the painful last throes of BNS. While we are not yet authorized to advise vaginal euthanasia, clearly there is no point attempting to delay the unavoidable.
Despite the impending death of your vagina, the Institute's educational service will be forwarding some informative materials to your New York office, so that you may warn others to avoid this tragic fate. When you receive your copy of Know Your Vajayjay, please see Chapter 11, "When Nookie Goes Bad: Maureen, You Ignorant Slut."
Here's to your health!
Dr. R.S. McCain, OB-GYN
President, Founder and Research Director
McCain Institute for Advanced Vaginology
Our motto: "Trust Us. We're Experts."
Our experts are now waiting to answer your vaginal questions.
UPDATE: We are grateful for the referrals from Dr. Mike's Fisherville Clinic and from our Florida affliliate, Dr. Gator's Home For Unwed Hotties. Also, we have a referral from one of our moronic associates at the Ace Of Spades Center For Vaginal Research. Dr. O'Spades has pioneered the development of Valu-Rite Vodka therapy for BNS sufferers.
Meanwhile, a question from commenter "Jeff S.":
Have you heard from Kathy Griffin as yet, Dr. McCain? I heard something about her getting "...a bruise in a naughty place" after the "Teen Choice Awards", in cooperation with Levi Johnston. Or are we seeing the terminal stages of BNS?Thank you for your question, Jeff. While Ms. Griffin is clearly at risk for BNS, it is unlikely she is yet past the intermediate stage and may be employing an avoidance strategy commonly employed by less-attractive BNS cases. Having exhausted the supply of genuinely desperate heterosexual men, women like Ms. Griffin sometimes avoid vaginal death by associating primarily with homosexual men.
Despite allegations that Mr. Johnston has previously participated in acts of heterosexuality, his recent emergence as "Ricky Hollywood" reveals what "a total closet-case he's always been," according to sources in Wasilla, Alaska.
So while we are not yet prepared to offer a prognosis for Ms. Griffin, it is clear that Mr. Johnston may be suffering from spreadicus glutteus maximus, commonly known as Raging Faggotosis. However, for further information on this disorder, we advise you to contact the Gaping Anus Foundation.
Remember to give generously to support our research.
UPDATE II: We welcome students from Nurse O. B. Sister's Peach Cleft Clinic. Nurse Sister practices in Lithia Springs, Georgia, where I did my earliest research into vaginal health.