When the going gets weird, the weirdos show up at your kid's high school

How did I miss this bizarre story last week?

The keen eyes of some Southern Illinois educators prevent an adult from walking the halls of a Heartland high school. Marion Police say a 24-year-old woman posed as a 15-year-old boy and attempted to enroll at Marion High School. . . .
[Superintendent Wade] Hudgens says the student claimed to be a 15-year-old boy by the name Jack Stones, whom just arrived from St. Louis and was now living in Marion with an adult male.
"They claimed that this person was homeless and they were attempting to gain guardianship through the court system," Hudgens added.
School staff referred the 15-year-old to the Marion High School Extension Center. Hudgens says Stones took a placement test at the center on Monday.
"Gaining that time, by saying that we needed to do the placement testing allowed our staff to do additional research and contact the FBI," Hudgens said.
Hudgens says they found a Facebook picture of Stones. . . .
"We've been told jack is a 24-year-old female," Hudgens said.
Marion Police says Jack's legal last name is Kaiser and she is from California. Police arrested Kaiser Tuesday and charged her with disorderly conduct for misrepresentation to state agencies.

OK, necessary clarification for those readers who are experiencing acute Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Syndrome, from the Associated Press:

Police in the southern Illinois city of Marion say they've arrested a 24-year-old woman who tried to enroll in the local high school as a 15-year-old boy.
Investigators say Jack Kaiser is a transgender person who also has gone by the name Jennifer May. Kaiser was arrested Tuesday and charged with disorderly conduct for misrepresenting herself to a state agency.

Riiiiight. Female-to-male transsexual gets pumped up on testosterone treatments, engages in reckless male behavior, decides to experience the boyhood she never had, enrolls in high school, goes out for football team . . .

No, wait, that's the thumbnail scenario of my new screenplay for the upcoming major motion picture, OMG! My New Boyfriend's a Gay Woman!

Oscar-bait, baby. The producers say Angelina Jolie's dying for the "Jack Stones" part, but Natalie Portman has seen the script, too. Of course, Ashton Kutcher as the high school quarterback whose girlfriend (Reese Witherspoon) dumps him for the new kid on the team. Madcap hijinks ensue!

Roman Polanski to direct, with Woody Allen as the quirky social studies teacher wrongly accused of being gay because of his misunderstood (and purely platonic) attraction to the girlish "Jack":

MR. MELLISH: Are you part Korean?
JENNIFER/JACK: No, why?
MR. MELLISH: Nothing, really. You just remind me of someone. Never mind. So, you're Jewish?
JENNIFER/JACK: What? No. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with being Jewish but . . . why would you ask somebody something like that?
MR. MELLISH: Oh, nothing. It's just that you look like you could have a little Jewish in you.
JENNIFER/JACK: Well, I don't.
MR. MELLISH: Not yet, anyway.

Of course, it would be wrong to make fun of the tragic plight of poor Jennifer/Jack, a victim who is struggling with serious identity issues in a cruel and homophobic society.

Wrong, I say, to laugh at Jennifer/Jack's misguided attempt to find acceptance and tolerance in the benighted and atavistic heartland community of Marion, Illinois.

But just wait until you see the soon-to-be-infamous "Zucchini Scene" in this new movie! Not since American Pie has gross-out humor been so genuinely gross . . .

Two thumbs up! A laugh riot!