Speedo Tea Parties? (A15 Minus 16)

Yesterday, Carol at No Sheeples Here e-mailed to say that she felt a bit uncomfortable participating in Rule 5 Sunday, but after careful examination of the Official Guidelines, she managed to find a suitably newsworthy angle in the attempt by the city government in Cape Coral, Fla., to shut down a Tea Party protest. And she supplied the appropriately sexy artwork:

That is the spirit, people! You will always do your best work if you do what you love, and love what you do. To quote my personal hero, Eric "Otter" Stratton, from one of my favorite movies:

Boon: I gotta work on my game.
Otter: No, no, no, don't think of it as work. The whole point is just to enjoy yourself.

Conservatives must rid themselves of the Dean Vernon Wormer mindset ("No more fun of any kind!") and instead try to put the "party" back into the Republican Party. Stop trying to be the uptight, respectable Omegas. Let's bring a hell-raising, fun-loving Delta House mentality to the task at hand:

Bluto: What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...
Otter: Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.
Bluto: And we're just the guys to do it.

"Where's the guts, huh?" And where's the creative, fun-loving Spirit of '94, when the American people rose up to smack the Clinton administration with a congressional mid-term election repudiation that changed history?

Amongst the Beltway GOP insiders, the current buzzword is about the need to "rebrand" the Republican Party. We know full well that if they had their way, the Establishment elite -- the Crapweasel Coalition of whiny neurasthenic RINOs -- would "rebrand" conservatism as a moderate, respectable, "center-right" Me-Tooism.

Fuck the elite, and fuck their ideas. We're the right-wing "Animal House," and this is homecoming at Faber.

Ordinary Americans need to think about the nationwide April 15 Tax Day Tea Party protests as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the grassroots to do their own "rebranding." Thanks to Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, conservatives have been handed a chance to demonstrate our solidarity on one of the few issues on which we all agree: Economic liberty, as opposed to the neo-Keynesian, central-planning agenda of Obamanomics. (It Won't Work.)

Let's unite now, people! Put away your differences on foreign policy and social issues. Forget about Iraq and the Bush administration. If we can't all come together in opposition against Obamanomics, not only is the conservative movement doomed, but the cause of freedom is doomed. We don't know whether this particular Road to Serfdom is going to lead us to Carteresque stagflation, to the hyperinflation and shortages of Mugabe's Zimbabwe, or to the "Killing Fields" of Pol Pot's Cambodia. We just know it's the wrong road, and it's time to tell Washington we're not going to march it.

"But what about the media? The media are ignoring the Tea Party protests, Bluto!" Fuck the media, too. You pathetic losers can sit around whining about the lack of national MSM coverage all you want, but on April 15, we're going to have a nationwide protest so huge, even those biased assholes won't be able to ignore it. Stop whining, and start organizing:

• Find the location of the Tea Party protest nearest you;
• Make a list of all your neighbors, friends and family members who might share your opposition to Obamanomics;
• Call them, e-mail them, Facebook them, talk to them in person at work or school or church, and urge them to attend the April 15 protest with you;
• Check off the names on your list as "yes," "no," or "maybe";
• Follow up with the "yes" people on your list to plan your attendance, arrange transportation, come up with ideas for clever posters, etc; and
• Follow up with the "maybe" people on your list to try to turn them into "yes" people; one way to do this is to apply positive peer pressure: "Man, you gotta be there! [Name a popular common friend] is going to be there, and afterwards, we're all going for beer and pizza! C'mon, it will be lots of fun!"

Be an organizer, not a whiner. Never sit around whining and waiting for other people to do something, when you can do it yourself. Look at Suzanna Logan: Instead of whining about a lack of media coverage for the protests, she's announced her willingness to strip jaybird naked at the big Virginia protest in Richmond. (We're still trying to schedule the girl-on-girl Jello wrestling, depending on the availability of the lesbian referee.) You can "Go Galt" or "Go Godiva," but either way, dammit: GO!

OK, so maybe you don't look so hot in your birthday suit (or in a Speedo). Maybe you're not as sexy as Jason "Big Sexy" Mattera. Stop thinking about "can't." As my late father used to say, "Can't never could."

Come up with something innovative, something personal and authentic you can contribute to the Tea Party movement. Bring your Boy Scout troop or your Little League team. Wear a costume. If you're a nurse or doctor or fireman, show up in uniform. Ride a horse, ride a Harley, drive your semi-rig or your farm tractor to the protest.

"Oh, Bluto, there's no point protesting! Congress doesn't care about a bunch of people at a protest!" Fuck you, whiners. The commissars of the Soviet Union didn't care about a bunch of Estonians singing tradtional songs, either. But I want you to watch this video trailer for The Singing Revolution, if you doubt the ability of ordinary people to accomplish extraordinary things:

If that doesn't inspire you, how about this: Michelle Malkin. Why is Michelle Malkin inspiring? Because she doesn't worry about what she can't do, she just does all she can. She was already a syndicated newspaper columnist and author when she started her blog waaay back when. And that wasn't enough, so she started Hot Air, too. She isn't content to be a "pundit" or a "commentator" or an "intellectual." No, she's a one-woman New Media empire, an ideological entrepreneur, and she's pushing the Tea Party movement with all she's got.

"But Bluto, I'm not a famous Fox News personality! I don't even have a blog! What can I do?" You can do something, you sons of bitches, and don't tell me what you can't do until you've done everything you can.

"America loves a winner. America will not tolerate a loser. Americans despise a coward. Americans play to win."
-- Gen. George S. Patton

The difference between success and failure, between defeat and victory, between a winner and a loser is this: A winner does everything he can do, and then says to himself, "I haven't done enough. I need to do more." He makes victory his goal and, by relentless effort, he makes victory his habit. He goes all-out, he gives it 110 percent, and even if his team doesn't win, at least he knows he's done his best.

"One of the basic principles of military strategy is to reinforce success. If you see a man who fights and wins, give him reinforcements, and bid others to emulate his success."

A winner emulates success, a winner exemplifies success, and a winner encourages success. A winner is not a whiner. A winner does not envy or derogate the success of others. He does not demoralize others by a defeatist attitude. He does not take counsel of his fears. He is not a crapweasel. He gives his comrades faith for the fight.

OUTLAW! WOLVERINES! VICTORY!

Now hit the tip jar, you ungrateful bastards!

UPDATE: "What are you so afraid of? Are you going to be killed because you speak out against Obama? . . . The time for action is now."

UPDATE II: Kathy Shaidle looks hot in a toga!

UPDATE III: Point of a Gun thinks this is a good direction!

UPDATE IV: "A halftime speech that Knute Rockne would’ve cribbed." -- Troglopundit

UPDATE V: "A Call to Arms" -- Pundit & Pundette

UPDATE VI: "I am pretty sure he just convinced me to ride my motorcycle to my local Tea Party. You won’t however see me in a speedo." -- Seymour Nuts
(No jokes about the name of his blog. None. You hear me?)

UPDATE VII: "Still 'Kinda Thinking' About 4/15's Tea Party? Stop your self-fumbling and GO!" -- Dad 29

UPDATE VIII: "A Pep Talk from R. Stacy McCain" -- Little Miss Attila

UPDATE IX: "In this time of darkness, Stacy reminds us of the immortal words of Otter." -- Dan Collins
("Immortal words"? But you can't hold a whole blog responsible for the behavior of a few sick, twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the entire blogospheric system? And if the whole blogosphere is guilty . . .)