Monday, March 16, 2009

Everybody Was Blog-Fu Fighting

(Or: Parable of the Doubting Padwan of Fu.)

"It was hard for me to believe that you were entirely serious about that socialist question," said Barack Obama, quoted by Clever S. Logan, who also quotes Adam Smith as she returns to the blogosphere today. She took a 5-day hiatus after her first Instalanche, meditating and seeking God's judgment whether her blog-fu was altogether righteous, and now comes back with the basic economics of Caveman Craigslist.

Monique Stuart, meanwhile, has been slamming the Old School blog-fu like whiskey shots at a Reason magazine open bar. She got her first Red State-o-Lanche yesterday, and is getting lots of good Rule 2 from American Power. I keep reminding her that Jammie Wearing Fool blogged six months before he got his first Instalanche. Be patient, young padwan. Grow strong in the Force. Righteous let your blog-fu be, and righteous your reward shall be.

Recently, I have been impressed with the fine blogging at Pundit & Pundette, whence the Rule 2's are coming frequently enough that I'm beginning to suspect that Pundette may be harboring a blog-crush. It's OK, Pundette; my unrequited admiration for Dr. Helen is a notorious scandal around the 'sphere. But your blog-fu is also righteous, and you may be just days -- even mere hours -- from the Promised 'Lancheland. And tell Mr. Pundette not to be so suspicious; just because you're trying to make him jealous doesn't mean there's actually anything to worry about. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Now, the good husband's trick of acting like he's All That in order to make his wife unjustly suspicious is practiced to perfection by The Original Alabama Poonhound, Stephen Gordon of Liberty Papers. The 'Hound is a lot like me: If you ever meet his wife, you know the secret of his success. The other day I called him to talk about plans for the Alabama Tea Party, and Gordo was painting the porch, part of his honey-do list. The 'Hound also has the righteous blog-fu, having gotten both the Instalanche and the Malkinlanche (and every other 'Lanche worth having) for his "Going Galt" roundup.

Life is like a box of chocolates, says Cynthia Yockey, whom I still owe an apology. Yet acting on the principle of turning the other cheek and praying for them who persecute you, Miss Yockey continues to minister in mercy, helping me keep my Lenten vow. (I am defiantly Protestant, and the Catholic friend who talked me into this idiotic stunt is chuckling with evil papist schadenfreude at the multitude of my ironic sufferings.) Sister Cynthia is numbered among the 'Lanche-worthy, and with porn-worthy rackage dealeth she the mighty blog-fu: WOLVERINES!

Jimmie Bise Jr. of Sundries Shack is working on his blog-fu black belt, and is also a man who appreciates fine art and culture. He salutes Ron Silver, a man whose film-fu was legend. Blessings, Jimmie. Go forth and blog thou.

Dan Riehl has been dealing 'fu since Old School was new, and his fierce independence produces a meaningful engagement with Professor Douglas.

Speaking of Old School, there are ancient masters who whisper reverently of the lost art known as Moe Fu. Let the newbie initiates study the ways of sensei Master Moe Lane. How do you think he does it? What makes his 'fu so good?

To be Old School in New Media, the acolyte needs to heed the Neologian of the Blogosphere, whose study of the New Word has made him also 'Lancheworthy. And one there is, of the Tribe of Troglodytes, who yet shall be uplifted in the 'fu, for he hath seen with his own eye the reward of Rule 2. Ed of Blue Hat and Stephen the Green link ye therefore also, as must too Fausta, David and Michael be linked.

Now, as any member of the High Learned Council of Righteous Fu-Meisters could tell you -- if they weren't sworn to a sacred oath of secrecy -- there is a Hunnish wench named Attila, also known as She Who Must Be Linked. This Hun girl, endowed with massive blog-fu, is something like the household goddess of the Ninja 'Sphere Temple Cult, whom the reverent newbies ritualistically link before going into combat in quest of the 'Lanche. If your SiteMeter is sagging, my young padwans, always ask yourself, "Have I linked Little Miss Attila lately?"

Be sure, ye Acolytes of 'Fu, that the wise and learned masters check their SiteMeters and Technoratis, to see whence cometh their traffic. Acolytes must observe and emulate the masters. Michelle Malkin and Insty are not blind; Allah and Ace and Rusty and Jeff observe with Argus-eyed vigilance the young padwans, seeking out the promising practicioners of 'fu. The Rule 3 is the All-Seeing Algorithm of 'Fu. And the Grapevine and Erick the Red watcheth also.

"All these things have we done," answered the padwans. "Yet still our SiteMeters surge not. What more shall we do to acquire the righteous 'fu?" Therefore answered he them . . .

"Have you hit the tip jar lately?" said he, and they were sore astonished at his teaching. For the ways of 'fu are righteous, and ye have been told that a curse rests upon those ungrateful wretches who read the blogs without tipping, always taking and never giving. How much more then shall be accursed ye ungrateful Acolytes of 'Fu who, having been given the Rules by grace, hit not the tip jar? Dost thou not know that there are a wife and six children who depend for their daily bread upon the 'Fu? Yea even there are creditors and utilities companies and a 2004 KIA Optima to be considered. Verily soon cometh also the day when all must render unto Caesar.

Then one among them said, "But master, I hit the tip jar, and have given ye many Rule 2s. How then is my 'fu yet unrighteous?" Answered he: "Hast thou not friends and family? And hast thou asked them also to hit the tip jar? Hast thou cast forth -emails to seek for tip-jar hitters, that the 'fu may go forth to teach all who blog in righteousness?"

Tears of repentance and joy streamed forth from the eyes of The Doubting Padwan, who hit the tip jar in full measure, and went forth to proclaim the word: "It's For the Children! All UR Links R Belong to Us!"

And all the congregation said, "Amen!"


  1. Screw that Noise, Robert.

    What we really want to know is if you are going to pony up the dough for you and the Mrs. to attend the Sarah Palin 2012 Debutante Speech, otherwise known as the House-Senate Fundraiser, in Washington, D.C., on June 8th? Or are you boycotting the G.O.P. for this cycle?

    Sarah's the Keynoter. It was just announced today.

    Give us a sign!

  2. Again, thanks for the lovely compliment and the link. But here I still sit, at the lunch counter at Schwab's, waiting for my big break. ;)

  3. so what you are trying to say is, you want us to hit the tip jar?

  4. Read ye the whole thing again, young David of the Gun, for it is written in transit (forget the gloria mundi) and even as you were commenting -- but before I saw your comment -- the parable grew longer.

  5. I liked the parable-within-a-parable of linking me three times while encouraging others to do so.

    That almost makes up for stiffing me out of a few martinis this past CPAC. Almost . . . ;)

  6. Re blog-crush, sorry. I'm too busy not having a crush on Mark Steyn.