My Samoan attorney . . .

. . . may be coming to CPAC. It's a question of whether he's driving up in the Red Shark, or just hopping a plane. Also, if he flies, does he come via Dulles -- closer to my house -- or does he fly into Reagan, in the heart of downtown?

Either way, I told him to rent a two-room suite at the Omni Shoreham and try to make friends with Jesse the hotel security man. We'll need the suite to interview all the hot Republican women high-ranking dignitaries who show up at the invitation-only VIP reception. And since high-ranking dignitaries at CPAC are inevitably accompanied by swarms of unruly "citizen journalists" trying to mooch the free booze score an exclusive "scoop," Jesse must be warned that important investigative journalism can sometimes be rather noisy.

But don't worry, we're all trained professionals. And as my attorney must explain to Jesse, this kind of work is protected by the First Amendment, and I'm sure that $50 and a quart of single malt devotion to Constitutional principles will persuade Jesse that his duty is to make sure that our sordid bacchanalia deadline-sensitive reporting is not interrupted.

Also: Since it is entirely possible that some dignitaries from Alaska may show up, Jesse must told to keep a keen eye out for dangerous stalkers like Kathleen Parker and David Brooks. If those deranged weirdos are seen anywhere near the Omni Shoreham, they should be tazed immediately, and without mercy.

Not too many Samoans in the Federalist Society, but my man's one of the best.