Friday, June 12, 2009

Massive New Deficit Spending!

They warned you if you voted for McCain, there would be huge new deficits, expanded arms programs, and an increase in our trade imbalance with China -- and they were right!

Yes, my fellow Americans, The Other McCain administration embarked upon a deficit-spending program to purchase fireworks for the Fourth of July. The retail value of this mighty arsenal (acquired from Granny's Fireworks in Watauga, Tenn.) is $800, although the actual purchase price is strictly classified. Why? Because if my wife finds out how much I've spent, she'll inflict tortures that will make waterboarding at Gitmo look mild by comparison.

Due to the recession -- we blame Bush! -- reader contributions to the Emergency Fireworks Fund have failed to meet FY09 projections of our administration's "fireworks czar" (a graduate of the prestigious Timothy Geither School of Mathematics). Therefore, we are now suffering a pyrotechnical deficit of crisis proportions.

Nevertheless, we have Hope that you will give generously because, like Joe Biden says, it's patriotic.

(GRAPHIC: No Sheeples Here.) BTW, everyone is invited to the Third Annual Camp FUBAR Fourth of July Fireworks & BBQ Blowout on the shores of Alabama's beautiful Lake Weiss. A Facebook page for this legendary event will be posted soon.

You may be asking yourself, "Why should I drive to Cherokee County, Alabama, to eat barbecue and watch a bunch of crazy rednecks shoot off fireworks?" Well, this ain't just any ol' barbecue. One of the South's leading BBQ chefs, Sasquatch, has agreed to provide the 'cue. Sasquatch's Carolina-style smoked pork shoulder is so good, it ought to be against the law. And ask anyone who's seen a McCain Family fireworks show: It's better than Disneyworld! Here's video of our historic 2005 finale:

So please give generously to the Emergency Fireworks Fund -- it's for the children!


  1. Earlier this year, I had to drive through your neck of the woods to go back up to Michigan. On the way back down, I was able to stop by the Phantom Firework Warehouse in PA and get a nice stash.. It was a 2 for 1 sale as well.

    More than $50, less than $100..

    For some reason, VA doesn't like fireworks.

  2. Dave, you ought to come down to Alabama and celebrate with us this year!

  3. Stacy, whenever I think of you . . . I see fireworks.