Friday, February 13, 2009

Andrew Sargus Klein is an arrogant elitist douchebag . . .

. . . as is anyone who agrees with him:
The right has developed a visceral knee-jerk reaction to anything involving culture, and their "loyal opposition" stranglehold doesn’t seem to be loosening anytime soon. Bombs make jobs, but renovations and building projects and part-time jobs or anything else within a stones throw of a—gasp—opera house do not. This is government as violent adolescent child.
Listen up, punk: I majored in drama and minored in art and managed to squeeze in two semesters of music theory along the way. Right now, I've got a day gig as a documentary film editor. I've got more culture in the tip of my pinkie than you've got in your entire swinish soul. So don't you tell me about my "knee-jerk reaction."

Klein gives us a splendid insight into the central conceit of the liberal mind: Nothing exists -- or has existed, or ever will exist -- unless it's funded with federal taxpayer dollars.

Therefore, to oppose federal funding for "the arts" is to be anti-art, just as opposing federal funding for public schools is to be anti-education. Such is the shriveled state of the liberal psyche that it never even occurs to these dimwits to let people keep their own money to spend on whatever they want. You want to renovate a theater? Go renovate a theater. But don't bring the IRS down on my back to force me to pay for your tastes in architecture.

Is this what Russ Smith is paying you for, punk? To be a commissar for the People's Ministry of Kultur? And does he know that you're basically recycling the same kind of lame crap you wrote for your student paper at U of Michigan?
What hasn't been noticed is a distinct artistic apathy regarding politics, and though this is a more specific approach to a larger issue, in a university with as much opportunity for free expression as ours, it's just as relevant.
There are plenty of examples of this freedom, from Natural Resources and Environment students putting up installations on the Diag and in The Nichols Arboretum to performances of Eve Ensler's "The Vagina Monologues" and Moises Kaufman's "The Laramie Project."
But with the possibility of a few exceptions, the above examples represent the extent to which our University's art scene pushes the political envelope. The fact remains that not everyone is (or should be) politically oriented, nor should everyone should be held to a standard of artistic expression. But students in our School of Art and Design and School of Music, Theater & Dance seem to keep a tight lid on any overt political leanings - at least, there's little to no political expression to be experienced by the campus as a whole.
OK, I wrote some lame crap in college, too. But when I was your age, punk, I was driving a forklift in a warehouse on Atlanta's Fulton Industrial Boulevard, saving up money to buy a P.A. rig for my rock band. So exactly what right do you have to lecture me about "culture"? I've put my own sweat into culture, pal.

(One of my 16-year-old sons just interrupted me, walking in with his -- actually, my -- acoustic six-string to show me he's learned the guitar part to some song by Avenged Sevenfold.)

Where was I? Oh, yes: Andrew Sargus Klein, 25-year-old kultur commisar, telling the rest of us what lowbrow philistines we are! Nice work, if you can get it. "The Vagina Monologues," indeed . . .

UPDATE: Watch out, Klein: I've just been nominated for "culture czar," and you don't want me to send the cossacks after you!
UPDATE II: Enjoy that beer and chill, Andrew. Some of you people keep mistaking me for a serious intellectual, although I can't imagine why.


  1. I would like to take this time to proudly announce that I am no longer recycling paper products. I have a very nice fire-pit in my back yard and once a week or so, I get a nice blaze going.

    If that makes me anti-environment, so be it.

  2. Russ seems to have a talent for hiring 'controversial' talent like Taki, the former Greek junta spokesman, Taibbi, the expatriate
    American reporter, who made jokes at the Pope's expense, and became a conveyor belt for Obama talking points, during the campaign. That was at New York Press, in the end it became unreadable. He seems to have the same problem with Splice, with just a few exceptions.

  3. I would like to take this time to point out that I am pouring motor oil into our local reservoir. If that makes me anti-environment, so be it. Yeah!!!

    Mr. McCain, thank you for a knee-jerk reaction about culture that proves Klein's point. Score one for irony.

  4. Mr. Anonymous, thank you for a douchebag reaction that proves McCain's point. Score one more for douchebaggery. No irony needed.

  5. Hmm... a self-proclaimed bon vivant? Award-winning? Compelled to write entire posts of name-calling drivel where you don't actually make a point as to why the guy you call an arrogant elitist douchebag is wrong, other than that you disagree personally. Are you trying to be ironic here? I wish it didn't get worse but --

    You drove a fork lift to pay for equip for your "rock band" and now you let your kids listen to AVENGE SEVENFOLD???



    Andrew Klein may be arrogant and elitist but he could craft logical arguments around your bumbling hypocrisy all day and night.

  6. Down with Sargus! Down with Sargus! Call him names! Call him names!

    McCain, when I was your age, not only was I driving a forklift, but I was the forklift supervisor, I gave the forklift driver's test. I know have the right to lecture about culture.

    If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain - do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

  7. People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."

  8. You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you're dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?' That's where I come in. You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go 'Thankyou McCain for the opportunity, thankyou for the wisdom, thankyou for the laughs.' I do it so, one day, someone will go 'There goes the other McCain. I must remember to thank him.'

  9. Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That's what I'm... you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.

  10. There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

  11. You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

  12. Wow this is a real laugher. I don't know how good your google skills are, but Klein happened to be the rhythm guitarist in Ann Arbor's foremost blues band. I'm also pretty sure he paid for his amp with sweat and blood.

  13. Seriously. Looks like you owe Klein something.