Thursday, July 30, 2009

'Of course, you know, this means war'

So says the Sage of Poca, Don Surber, in a comment on a post where I made casual reference to the notorious ugliness of West Virginia women.

Since I was in a hurry last night to comment on the insane assertion that Maxine Waters could be one of the "most beautiful" people in Washington (or anywhere else), I saw no need to add attributions, footnotes, bibliography or other documentation to support my journalistic account of what is, after all, an objective fact.

Ask any resident of Kentucky or Maryland about the "butterface" women of the Mountaineer State. Sports reporters dread the day they are assigned to cover a game at WVU, where the cheerleaders are known as "The Two-Bagger Squad."

Even among Pennsylvanians -- who have foisted upon an unwilling world a disproportionate number of those heinous women known locally as "Pittsburgh Bridge Trolls" -- there is this common saying: "Just because she's ugly, doesn't necessarily mean she's from West Virginia."

Should Don Surber wish to provide photographic evidence of a West Virginia woman who is not a poster girl for birth control, he is welcome to do so. Otherwise, I can only refer him to the Ohioans, who universally agree that West Virginia women make even the coyote-ugly girls of Toledo look "sexy" by comparison.

No need, of course, to mention the proverbial advice commonly given to desperate and unattractive men in Charlottesville, Staunton and other parts of the Old Dominion: "Either go gay or go to W-V-A." (Which most folks in Richmond consider to be less strictly a comment on the looks of West Virginia women than an allusion to their infamous promiscuity.)

The point is that this is not my opinion, but an objective fact, verifiable by testimony of millions of witnesses. My personal opinion is moot, and not merely because I am a professional journalist.
Like Dr. James Joyner, my judgment of beauty is permanently biased by having attended college in Alabama, where at least two-thirds of Waffle House waitresses are more attractive than whatever tragedy of aesthetics is annually dubbed "Miss West Virginia."

UPDATE: Jimmie Bise is from the Eastern Shore of Maryland, a popular vacation destination for women from West Virginia. Jimmie says this is why folks in Ocean City refer to August as the "Dog Days of Summer."


  1. I'll second you on the AL comment, but, of course, I may be a little biased.

  2. Know why there's real grass in WVA's football stadium?
    So the cheerleaders can graze at halftime...

  3. Prettiest girls? Same place as the best football is played! Gator gals know football, and hotness!

  4. I have to add that Michigan woman tend to push that scale to an eleven. I might be a bit biased because I married one..

    But with S. Logan being exhibit A in a court of evidence regarding AL women, there will be no objection from me.

  5. Meant to add..

    For a good cross sampling of the pretty woman population you need to go to East Lansing and NOT Ann Arbor.

    Too many granolas in AA.

  6. Your challenge is met. I accept your sword and return it to you. You are an honorable man who should take defeat with great grace.