Monday, June 9, 2008

A letter to Mr. Bush

From Slublog:
This afternoon, I put $35 worth of gas into my car and at $4 a gallon, that wasn't enough to fill it up. If I owned an SUV, that might be understandable, but I own a Saturn. A small one.
Now, as a conservative, I don't normally look to government to solve market-based problems. This case is different. Government may not be the solution, but it sure as heck is contributing to the problem. All I want it to do in this case is get out of the way. Our ability to increase the supply of oil has been limited by politicians eager to please special interest groups at a time we can't afford the luxury of such pandering.
The Democrats have opposed drilling in ANWR, drilling off the coasts and drilling in the west. So my question is this - why are you being such a mealy-mouthed wimp about it? . . .
Read the rest here. The answer, my dear Slublog, is that a Bush is a Bush. They're born with some sort of defective New England WASP chromosome that makes them want to play nice with liberals.

Normal humans cannot relate to the sufferers of Bush Syndrome. I mean, OK, I get the whole "compassionate conservatism" thing, but shouldn't that compassion be reserved for human beings? Why should I be compassionate toward a freaking caribou? What have the caribou ever done for me?

As far as I'm concerned, caribou is just a fancy Alaska word for "venison." I say we get the NRA to put the word out to all the deer hunters to go up to Alaska and hunt those caribou to extinction. Because once a species becomes extinct, they're not endangered any more, and then we can go get that oil.

Same thing with the spotted owl. If it were up to me, we'd put a bounty on those endangered pests that are putting loggers and lumber-mill workers out of jobs. Hunt 'em down like the feathered cockroaches they are, so we can get back to clear-cutting old-growth forests like we used to, back when America was a red-blooded manly country.

We need to stop pussyfooting around with these weakling species. It's not our fault they're on the losing end of Darwinism, incapable of adapting to the dynamics of a changing habitat.

I mean, screw the salmon. Put hydroelectric dams in all the rivers, and if those stupid fish can't figure out how to walk up the river bank to their spawning grounds or else get jiggy in deep water, how is that my problem?

These misfit loser species are obstacles to progress, people. Hey, I'm paying $4 a gallon for gas, and I don't see any arctic wildlife offering to chip in on the next tank. So I say, it's us or them. Survival of the fittest. If the caribou want to stop us from getting that oil in Alaska, just let 'em try it.

You hear me, caribou? Vamoose, buddy. You're on our oil, and if you don't get out of the way, we're gonna come gunning for you. My advice would be for you caribou to high-tail it over to Canada right now. 'Cause you're making me angry and, trust me, you don't want to see me angry.

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