NY23: Another Hoffman Miracle!

First, he got $40 out of the World's Cheapest Conservative, and now Conservative Party candidate achieves the impossible again. Hot Air world exclusive:

Not surprisingly, the CFG ad invokes the specter of Madam Speaker as a chief reason not to vote for Scozzafava. King’s not blowing smoke, though: As noted in Saturday’s post, Scozzafava led until Hoffman started surging, and now the Democrat’s up by a few points as GOP voters split between the two of them. Exit question via Stacy McCain: Why hasn’t Sarahcuda endorsed Hoffman yet? Doing so would irritate and potentially alienate the national leadership, but if she’s serious about fashioning herself as the “true conservative” outsider, here’s a golden opportunity. Maybe she figures it’s too much of a gamble for too little gain? If she shows up to stump for Hoffman and he loses, it’s a blow to her prestige. She’s probably just playing it safe.

That's right: ALLAHPUNDIT LINKED ME! Brothers and sisters, this is a sign!

Long months of uninterrupted non-linkage (Allah Hates Me, Because I Suck) have been ended in one fell swoop by the miraculous power of Hoffmania.

Clearly, this man is destined for victory, and I'm going to New York to cover this historic election! Hit my tip jar, people, and start spreading the news . . .

Yeah, I know, it's upstate New York, but it's the thought that counts. Hit the freaking tip jar!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE NY23 COVERAGE!

Balloon Boy? Total PWN!

Just watching the Sheriff's press conference. Oh, there will be thoughtful essays written about the 24/7 cable TV environment, the voracious demand for cheap programming that led to the "reality TV" genre, the resulting fame-quest of obscure idiots, "American Idol," et cetera, et cetera.

But nobody will pay me to write one of those essays, so I'll leave it to the "Style" section of the Washington Post or whoever else gets paid for such stuff.

Moral of the story? People watch too much TV. They begin to believe that being on TV (i.e., what is meant today when we say someone is "famous") is synonymous with wealth, popularity, happiness, et cetera. So they devote their lives to a sort of pilgimage, worshipfully seeking their own place on the idolatrous TV shrine.

These people are fools. TV makes them stupid. Turn the stupid thing off occasionally and read a book, fools.

If anyone actually wants or needs more than that, hit the tip jar for $50 and I'll post an insightful, thought-provoking 1,000-word column by tomorrow morning.

Allah won't link it, but Allah never links me. Allah Hates Me. Because I Suck.

Memo to Oslo

My wife cancelled the ground-line phone service we'd been getting via the cable company, without realizing that this would also require us to get a new cable-modem connection for the high-speed DSL Internet service.

So Friday morning, I had no Internet and -- because my wife was working lunch shift as the school cafeteria lady -- it fell my duty to go to the cable company and get this mess straightened out, a task for which my impatient temperament makes me particularly ill-suited. (Please hit the tip jar, so I can hire an intern to deal with mundane crap like this.)

After a 10-minute wait behind the herd of mouth-breathing subliterates demanding service -- Why did the cable company cancel their pro-wrestling premium pay-per-view? Can payment be made in food stamps? -- until it was my turn to talk to the friendly woman at the counter named Vonda, who accepted the old Internet modem I was turning in and disappeared into the backroom.

Tempus fugits and time is money, and every minute I waste standing in line at the cable company is a minute I'm not doing something for which I might be paid money. By contrast, Vonda is being paid $20 an hour, no matter how slowly and inefficiently she performs her job, but can't be fired unless her employer is prepared to spend the money necessary to fight a wrongful-termination suit.

Vonda is a woman and is therefore a "protected class" under state and federal law. She has full benefits and a salary, but any actual work she does is strictly optional. Her company has a government-licensed monopoly on cable service in our county, and I can't even get online to rattle the tip jar. (Thanks to Randall in Ohio, Eric in Texas, and Barry in Missouri for their contributions. Whether it's $1, $10, $25 or $50, every donation is appreciated by my wife and six kids.)

Welcome to the 21st century, you see. So my time is wasted while Vonda goes to the backroom and I stand there at the counter amid the mouth-breathing wrestling fans. Well, as my late father said, "Whoever told you life was supposed to be fair, son?"

Vonda returns to tell me that it will be a few minutes before the new modem is ready. Does this mean I'll have time enough to go smoke a cigarette? Yes, probably, says Vonda.

So I go outside, fire up a Parliament Light and start flipping through my cell-phone, trying to find someone I need to call, perhaps to get some usefulness out of this time I'm being forced to waste at the cable company. (Fact: Hunter S. Thompson never had to deal with this kind of two-bit crap.)

Ah, Stogie at Saberpoint! I call to thank him for his services and -- since I haven't seen any news the past 14 hours -- ask him what's up. He tells me that Obama has just been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. We talk a few more minutes before Vonda comes trotting out the front door of the cable company office, waving some paperwork I need to sign.

Great. Well, good-bye, Stogie. Hello, Vonda.

No justice in the world, you see? Even Obama admits he's done nothing to merit the Nobel Prize, while I'm compelled to deal with Vonda and the cable company, merely to get my Internet service re-connected. He's the Leader of the Free World, the object of worldwide admiration, and I'm an inconsequential peon, dealing with the cable company.

People ignore my e-mails and don't return my phone calls. Allahpundit hasn't linked me in months and you can go count the trackbacks at my Hot Air Greenroom special report to see how little interest conservative bloggers have paid to my reporting on the Sparkman case in Kentucky. Even Moe Lane won't link it.

Why? Because I suck, which is why Erik Telford makes sure I'm never invited to attend important conferences like the Defending the Dream Summit.

Dad was right. Life is unfair. You'd think a middle-aged man would be mature enough to deal with that. And now Obama is a Nobel Peace Prize winner. Because I suck.

Ah, well, I've still got the Paco Award. They can't take that away from me, can they? Hit the tip jar.

UPDATE: 5:25 p.m.: Michelle Malkin notices that the DNC Humor Commissars have now classified sarcasm as terrorism, which means we're all doomed to be waterboarded at the Blogospheric Gitmo.

The Blogger Whom Allah HatethGets No Credit for His Scoop

Allah hates me -- I own that Google-bomb -- and the complex algorithm of Allahpundit non-linkage contributes enormously to situations like this:

In October, a truck driver traveling through a low-income district of Jacksonville, Fla., saw a billboard advertising a program that offered free cell-phones for the poor. The truck driver tipped me, and I reported it on my blog.
Sunday, the New York Times finally did a feature story about Lifeline, a federally-subsidized, federally-mandated program.
The blogosphere is excited about this story. Do I get any credit for my scoop? Of course not. Because I suck.

People have asked me why I keep pointing out how much I suck, but it is Allah who -- by his eternal non-linkage -- continuously points this out. I merely note the fact, so that when my friends behold with sadness my poverty and obscurity, they need not wonder why.

UPDATE: Woe unto ye, Ed Driscoll, for it is a proverb among the wise that there is hatred sufficient to encompass all who link the blogger whom Allah hateth.

Ed Driscoll doesn't suck

I just wanted to point that out. Even if he's not as "hot" as Andy Levy, Ed's OK with me. But then again, as Mike says, I hang around with losers.

How bad do I suck?

Explained at The Green Room, illustrated here:

UPDATE: Dan Collins recoils from the frightening implosion of "cosmos-bending suckitude." Avert your eyes, children, or your retinas will be permanently scarred.

UPDATE II: The possibility that Katie Couric sucks worse than me? Nah. Allah could never muster up that much hate for Katie.

UPDATE III: I can so totally relate to this:

"To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else — she treated like s**t."
-- Donald Trump, referring to the recently-fired Miss California, Carrie Prejean

Get the point? In other words, if you're somebody important -- someone like Trump whose approval matters -- then people are nice to you. They praise you and solicit your favor. But if you're me? You're less "hot" than Andy Levy.

It is the blunt expression of contempt ("You're not on TV and you barely have 1,000 Twitter friends, therefore your existence need not even be acknowledged" ) that is so painful.

But it's OK. Little Miss Attila still likes me. Right? . . . Right? Hello? Is this thing working?

A. Because I suck, that's why

Q. Why is The Other McCain not on Wikio's listing of "Top 100 Political Blogs"?

UPDATE 6/10: John Hawkins' list of "Thirty Best Conservative Columnists for 2009" confirms the infinite vastness of my suckitude.

UPDATE II: Suckitude illustrated. Suckitude explained. (Although, of course, mere words can never suffice to explain how much I suck.)