Posts
Or ask lesbian blogger Cynthia Yockey, who catapulted me to irresistibility. (Cynthia is pictured here with Jason "Big Sexy" Mattera, who is obviously trying to make someone jealous.)Cynthia and I met at CPAC and began what I thought to be a strictly platonic friendship. After all, I am happily married and she's playing for the other team. We were just a couple of conservative bloggers, trying to advocate on issues, increase our traffic and make a gazillion dollars. What could possibly be wrong? How could anyone even suggest . . .?
But you know what? She sure likes big wieners. NTTAWWT. (She's even got a photo of somebody with a big wiener in their mouth.)
Could it be that, in fact, Cynthia is a hetero hottie trapped in a lesbian's body? Stranger things have happened, you know. Meghan McCain recently turned a guy gay.
As a matter of fact, Cynthia once expressed interest in a guy from Ohio, but he broke her heart. So I'm thinking that Cynthia is bisexual.
Back when I was kid, I thought that word meant you'd ride your bicycle over to a girl's house and . . . well, anyway. When I tried that, the girl told me that yes, as a matter of fact, I was bisexual, because the only way I'd ever get it was if I paid for it. (Buy-sexual, get it?)
Later on, as I got older, I thought that "bisexual" meant when it was so good, you wanted to do it twice, but before I ever got to that, I spent a few years being trisexual. I kept trying, but wasn't getting sexual. (Try-sexual.)
Finally, however, somebody explained to me the real meaning bisexual. They said the great thing about being bisexual was, it doubled your chances for a date on Saturday night. Unfortunately, that wasn't much help to me, since two times zero is still zero.
So I got married. Now we've got six kids. My wife tells me that this means at least one of us has had sex a few times.
I support abstinence education. The way I look at it, if young people don't learn to do without sex before they're married . . .
Cynthia is in favor of same-sex marriage. I think that must be where you have a lot of sex, but it's always the same. I believe in traditional marriage, which isn't like that at all.
In a traditional marriage, you have Republican sex, which is the kind that begins with "I do" and ends with "till death do you part." My wife says if I keep telling these dumb jokes, the "death do you part" might be sooner than I expect.
But the main thing is, go over to Cynthia's site, where she can show you that big wiener.
UPDATE: Obi's Sister has car-lust for a Camaro. Driven by a guy with a mullet, no doubt.
Possibly the funniest post I've ever read.
ReplyDeleteSo I got married. Now we've got six kids. My wife tells me that this means at least one of us has had sex a few times.See, 'cause I've been wondering why you have me do these Rule 5 Sunday posts...
ReplyDelete-- In a traditional marriage, you have Republican sex, which is the kind that begins with "I do" and ends with "till death do you part." --
ReplyDeleteJeez, how much longer is that venerable phrase going to be mangled? It's not "till death do you part;" it's "till Death does its part." Indeed, "Death, do your part!" is a sentiment commonly expressed by spouses of either sex, party, and creedal allegiance.
Way to turn an old high school joke into a hilarious post. The only thing missing was the mullet and the Camaro.
ReplyDeleteAside: Francis - I'm gonna have to remember that one, "Death do your part!"
In a traditional marriage, you have Republican sex... Well if Republican sex is this much fun, who needs Democrat sex? Because in typical Dem fashion, there would no doubt be a lot of guilt involved, and worse yet, someone would take the nanny role and yammer on and on about how to do it the prescribed governmental way, which would be safer, more careful, and predictable. And then you'd have to pay a tax on it. Meh.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Stacy,
ReplyDeleteI was worried that you were not speaking to me on account of the post I wrote about you and that hill! However, I find you can take it as well as you can dish it out, so you are my kind of man. Well, if I had a kind of man.
I linked you in my update acknowledging your post here in my post that you linked of the Obama photo -- are you still with me? -- and at 6:19 pm an Instalanche began for that post. So -- you have gained much good karma with this post and the gods of traffic have smiled upon both of us. Thank you. Please tell your wife I send my love.
Hugs and kisses,
Cynthia