Why am I so neglectful toward the ladies? Ask my beautiful wife, who has put up with my horrible thoughtlessness for 20 years.
Or ask lesbian blogger Cynthia Yockey, who catapulted me to irresistibility. (Cynthia is pictured here with Jason "Big Sexy" Mattera, who is obviously trying to make someone jealous.)
Cynthia and I met at CPAC and began what I thought to be a strictly platonic friendship. After all, I am happily married and she's playing for the other team. We were just a couple of conservative bloggers, trying to advocate on issues, increase our traffic and make a gazillion dollars. What could possibly be wrong? How could anyone even suggest . . .?
But you know what? She sure likes big wieners. NTTAWWT. (She's even got a photo of somebody with a big wiener in their mouth.)
Could it be that, in fact, Cynthia is a hetero hottie trapped in a lesbian's body? Stranger things have happened, you know. Meghan McCain recently turned a guy gay.
As a matter of fact, Cynthia once expressed interest in a guy from Ohio, but he broke her heart. So I'm thinking that Cynthia is bisexual.
Back when I was kid, I thought that word meant you'd ride your bicycle over to a girl's house and . . . well, anyway. When I tried that, the girl told me that yes, as a matter of fact, I was bisexual, because the only way I'd ever get it was if I paid for it. (Buy-sexual, get it?)
Later on, as I got older, I thought that "bisexual" meant when it was so good, you wanted to do it twice, but before I ever got to that, I spent a few years being trisexual. I kept trying, but wasn't getting sexual. (Try-sexual.)
Finally, however, somebody explained to me the real meaning bisexual. They said the great thing about being bisexual was, it doubled your chances for a date on Saturday night. Unfortunately, that wasn't much help to me, since two times zero is still zero.
So I got married. Now we've got six kids. My wife tells me that this means at least one of us has had sex a few times.
I support abstinence education. The way I look at it, if young people don't learn to do without sex before they're married . . .
Cynthia is in favor of same-sex marriage. I think that must be where you have a lot of sex, but it's always the same. I believe in traditional marriage, which isn't like that at all.
In a traditional marriage, you have Republican sex, which is the kind that begins with "I do" and ends with "till death do you part." My wife says if I keep telling these dumb jokes, the "death do you part" might be sooner than I expect.
But the main thing is, go over to Cynthia's site, where she can show you that big wiener.
UPDATE: Obi's Sister has car-lust for a Camaro. Driven by a guy with a mullet, no doubt.
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