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Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. So what? Is it racist for a black Republican to endorse a black Democrat? (Rush Limbaugh, George Will and Pat Buchanan seem to think so.) Or is it even more racist for a white Republican to say that it is racist for a black Republican to endorse a black Democrat?
I am agnostic on these questions, but I'm also giddy beyond words. With all this fingerpointing about "racism" going on, and nobody pointing the finger at me, I'm starting to feel like an exemplar of enlightened tolerance. If all you bigots and hatemongers will keep this stuff going for another couple of weeks, the NAACP is likely to give me an award just for staying out of this mess.
The polls ... eh, talk to Nate Silver or just go to Real Clear Politics and see for yourself. More than two weeks ago, when McCain pulled out of Michigan, I said the election was over, and I've gotten nothing but grief from my Republican friends ever since. Most of the complaints were to the effect that the polls don't mean anything, unless the polls predict a Republican victory. So why even bother to look at the polls, if I'm not allowed to draw any conclusions from them without being accused of bad faith? I've already got all the enemies I need.
That's all the political news. In sports, Texas, Alabama and Penn State are atop the college football standings, which is like a 30-year flashback to 1978, when I had a puffy golden shoulder-length shag haircut and looked good in my 28-waist skintight jeans. Speaking of golden oldies . . . in Madonna news:
- The 50-year-old "singer" wants to get pregnant (which would mean that some unlucky guy is going to need a blindfold and a lot of Viagra).
- She accuses her ex-husband of mental cruelty for saying she looks like a "granny" (which is unfair to grannies, some of whom are actually attractive).
- Her friends blame a horse for the divorce. (Insert joke here.)
- In Malawi, the poor farmer who is the biological father of Madonna's adopted son says the boy would be better off with him. (Sir, best to lay low for right now, or otherwise the shriveled hag might show up with a blindfold and some blue pills.)
- David Duchovny, self-confessed "sex addict," had an affair with his tennis coach. (Also, he had an affair with his maid, his secretary, some chick he met at a party, and the girl serving soft drinks at the local Taco Bell. The difference between a "sex addict" and every other guy in the world is that, unless you're a rich TV star who looks like David Duchovny, women usually say "no.")
- Billy Bob Thornton denies having an affair with Tea Leoni. OK, that makes two guys --- Billy Bob and David Duchovny -- who aren't having sex with Tea Leoni. Plus me, so that's three. Anybody else care to confess that they aren't shagging Tea Leoni?
- The boyfriend of some starlet you never heard of was shot dead in Hollywood.
- Embarrassing photos of the boyfriend of a slightly more famous starlet.
- Pictures of Britney's child-visitation day.
- Eminem has just written a memoir, and it's not impressionistic like Renoir. It's more just like a scene out of film noir, except without a blonde dame in a peignoir. Marshall Mathers grew up poor near the Eight Mile. He was moody even though he had a great smile. Of all the local rappers he was the most white. He should have called me, 'cause I know how to ghostwrite . . .
- Is Will Smith bisexual? The rumors are contextual, but two more jokes and next you will think my humor is exceptional.
- Supermodel in a $5 million bra. (You've never heard of her, but she's a "supermodel," so she is by definition a celebrity, and I know you're thinking: "Like Obama said, babe, share the wealth -- lose that bra.")
- Hip-hop star Lil Wayne announces he's going to be a father. (Rumors that he received a strange package of congratulatory gifts from Madonna could not be immediately confirmed.)
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