Celebrity update

We read the tabloid dirt, so you don't have to:

• Lindsay Lohan planning a lesbian wedding?
• Lindsay's miffed about L.A. police chief Bill Bratton saying in a recent interview, "If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving, Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue."
• Former "Married With Children" star Christina Applegate diagnosed with breast cancer. She's only 36.
• "Indiana Jones" star Shia LaBeouf's hand was "crushed" in last week's auto accident, says the actor's lawyer, who also suggestied that LaBeouf, who was cited for DUI after the accident, may not have been at fault because the other driver ran a red light.
• More rumors that Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers band is dating "Bratz" blonde Chelsea Staub.
• "Mini-Me" actor Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend for $20 million. Dude, she's an "aspiring actress" -- where's she going to get $20 million?
• Britney Spears denies she's dating the hired help. Not that anybody's volunteering to date her for free or anything.
• People magazine wins the competition to feature Brangelina's twins, beating out OK!, which scored three consecutive celeb baby cover-photo coups (Jamie Lynn Spears on July 21, Jessica Alba on July 24 and Matthew McConaughey on Aug. 4).
• Why did Lance Armstrong dump Kate Hudson? She was too emotionally needy, a source says.
• Penelope Cruz talks about kissing Scarlett Johansen in the new Woody Allen movie.
• Nude photos of Ann Hathaway were among the items seized by the FBI when they raided her embezzler ex-boyfriend, Raffaello.

Don't worry, guys: I've already filed a Freedom Of Information Act request for those photos. "The people's right to know," and all that. Meanwhile . . .

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