Sunday, August 16, 2009

The evil women of Pittsburgh

When I decided to make a mad dash to Pittsburgh yesterday for the RightOnline conference, I knew it would be unwise to make the trip alone. The conference was held at the Sheraton Station Square Hotel in the city's westside riverfront district -- notorious for its liquor, dancing and wicked women.

So I brought along my 16-year-old son, James, not only to remind me that -- in the words of Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story 2 -- I'm a married spud, but also so that he might see for himself the sorry fate that awaits those who stray from the path of righteousness.

While I had attempted to warn him about the infamous women of Pittsburgh, young James was still shocked at the utter shamelessness of these big-city hussies. The poor lad stared, visibly filled with feelings of pity and horror by the sad spectacle of vixens, tramps, sluts and outright harlots brazenly strolling down West Station Square Drive, all gussied up in their tight dresses, dyed hair, gaudy jewelry, even lipstick and other such sinful things.

"Gosh, Pa, I never saw the likes of them in Hagerstown," James said, as one gaggle of these tawdry strumpets strutted past, smelling of whiskey and cheap perfume.

"Yes, I know, son," I answered, shaking my head sadly. "Now you undestand why all those decent upstanding Republican ladyfolks left town the minute the conference ended, rather than to risk being seen down here by the river after dark. Bad enough during the day, but if word ever was to get around that they'd been here at night, people might think they were . . . liberal."

"Yeah," James said, astonished by the sight of a woman sashaying past us in tight short-shorts and high heels. "Maybe even . . . progressive."

"Hush, boy. Your mama would wash your mouth out with lye soap if she heard you use such shameful language," I said. "Even about a woman who is so obviously . . . a Democrat."

It was then that I shared with the lad a famous poem inspired by the fallen women of Pittsburgh:
You wouldn't read my letter if I wrote you
You asked me not to call you on the phone
But there's something I'm wanting to tell you
So I wrote it in the words of this song

I didn't know God made honky tonk angels
I might have known you'd never make a wife
You gave up the only one that ever loved you
And went back to the wild side of life

The glamor of the gay night life has lured you
To the places where the wine and liquor flows
Where you wait to be anybody's baby
And forget the truest love you'll ever know

I didn't know God made honky tonk angels
I might have known you'd never make a wife
You gave up the only one that ever loved you
And went back to the wild side of life

5 comments:

  1. It's apparent when you guys left this Texas Lady you didn't go straight to the car. Shame Shame subjecting baby James to the likes of those awful Democratic wench's

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  2. I'll cover your "heh" and up you a "Snee"

    Not that I've been reading rsmccain or drinking beer or nothing.

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  3. You should've brought the young lad to my neighborhood (mountains east of da 'burgh). Then he could've seen what REAL 'burgh women are!

    It's a shame he had to see the elite of Ravenstahl's Realm.

    Hope his vision returns soon!

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