Friday, February 20, 2009

'Malkiphobia'?

Of this I've been accused by Dan Collins at Protein Wisdom. Actually, I suffer from a chronic case of bloggernoia, defined as the sneaking suspicion that other bloggers aren't linking you on purpose.

That is to say, it's not merely an oversight, or the fact that your blog sucks, or that blogospheric giants like Glenn Reynolds and Michelle Malkin get 2,000 e-mails a day from pesky little blogwhores begging for linkage. Rather, the bloggernoiac fears that there is some malevolent intent behind the non-linkage. In the rampant stage of this incurable disorder, the bloggernoiac may fear that other bloggers are talking behind his back, conspiring to deprive him of his righteous share of traffic.

"Is Ace angry that I stole his shtick with that last hobo joke?" or "Did my defense of Ann Coulter offend Charles Johnson?" Or, in the really dark moments of despair: "Has my utter shamelessness become so disgusting that people are embarrassed to link me?"

Bloggers, believe it or not, are human beings and, as such, have been known to harbor grudges and seek retribution and -- because they are scattered across a continent, sitting alone in front of their computers unbathed and unloved -- such foibles aren't exactly unknown among bloggers.

So when it seems like months since I've been linked by Pam Geller, can you blame me for being paranoid? I love Pam, she's prominently linked on my page, we had a grand old time at CPAC last year. What's up with the non-linkage?

Me not know. Me primitive Unfrozen Caveman Blogger. Me fear bad mojo.

Having been obnoxious since birth, whenever things go bad, I always figure it's my fault. And I'm always right. Somewhere, there's always someone sticking pins in a voodoo doll of me, or praying to Ba'al that I should be smitten with a plague of warts. Whatever I did to deserve such curses and vows of eternal enmity, there can be no doubt that I do indeed deserve them in the cosmic, kharmic scheme of things. I am wretched beyond words.

So when the traffic sags and nobody's clicking the tip jar, I start wondering if today's the day all that bad mojo's finally going to come down on my head -- car repossessed, electricity shut off, evicted from my home, abandoned by my family, living in a cardboard box under the bridge without even a decent WiFi connection to comfort me. But if I could just get one more Instalanche before that tow truck shows up to take my car . . .

UPDATE: Oh, no -- they've discovered my secret!

UPDATE II: Dan Collins now accuses me of "stalwart naivete" for believing that bloggers are human. And he's got a point -- not all of them are. For example:

  • Dr. Helen is actually an advanced prototype fembot.
  • Although many say Ace of Spades resembles an Ewok, in reality he is a satyr.
  • Thomas J. Marier is a large douchebag.
  • Jonah Goldberg is only half-human. His mother is Vulcan.
  • Jeff Goldstein is a spectral image projected by the spirit of an ancient Ninja warrior.
  • "Rusty Shackleford" is, in fact, an Internet alias shared by a cell of rogue CIA operatives. The guy who showed up at the YAF 2007 West Coast Conference using the name "Rusty Shackleford" was merely one member of the cell. This national security secret was revealed in the scandal known as RoofieGate, when several College Republican girls claimed they had been drugged and molested by "Rusty." The rogue CIA cell is believed to have killed the agent who compromised their security. Ironically, it wasn't "Rusty" who molested the coeds. However, sources say, everyone with knowledge of the true identity of the perpetrator or perpetrators has been sworn to secrecy, in order to protect the Toronto-based Ruhypnol cartel that funds the rogue agents.
You see why I'm paranoid?

9 comments:

  1. Dude, they're just not that into you.

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  2. Sweetie, you're doing it wrong.

    When you feel that you've been obnoxious since birth -- and I've always known that about myself-- you're supposed to think that everything is SOMEBODY ELSE's fault.

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  3. Oh, Ace never links me, even though I don't steal the hobo shtick. I think it is policy, is all.

    As for Pam, I think she prefers that one be obnoxious in person.

    I hate those blogwhores. I've given up trying to get Glenn's attention, because he makes me feel like a really ugly tranny hooker.

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  4. Now THAT'S FUNNY.

    I'm offended on your behalf that you're not getting linked here.

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  5. I'm waiting for your article on the 10 things you won't do to drive traffic. Will it be a short or long read?

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  6. Mr. Jacobsen, as to traffic enhancment methods I wouldn't attempt, I probably wouldn't consider switching to the custom URL, "britneyspanties.com."

    Probably, I said.

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  7. Fine. But don't forget: spending more time on your frequent major topics is what *keeps* the audience. Who cares how may links you get if much of what we see when we come here is inside-baseball-type stuff about blogging? (okay, some of it is cool, especially when laced with the vitriol and/or humor we expect.)

    For example, where is your smackdown of Ponnuru over his slam of conservatives4palin.com?

    It's been two days, man!

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  8. I'd noticed over the past month or so that you don't seem to be linked from Memeorandum as often. Bloggers find out about stuff through Memeorandum, so perhaps that's the problem.

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