Merry Christmas, Marty Beckerman

My favorite Jew has a holiday column entitled "WHY CHRISTMAS KICKS THE LIVING S--- OUT OF HANUKKAH":

Not to sound like arch-conservative television host Bill O’Reilly . . . but when hysterical Jewish parents (are there any other kind?) protest secular mentions of Christmas in the public square, I want to shove mistletoe down their Grinchy throats. For example, earlier this month a Jewish mother temporarily convinced a North Carolina elementary school to ban "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" from its kindergarten concert . . . .
By the way, this hysterical Jewish mother is probably unaware that a Jew wrote "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." In fact, Jews are behind such secular holiday classics as "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)," "Holly Jolly Christmas," "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," "Silver Bells," "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," "Sleigh Ride," "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," "Let It Snow! Let it Snow! Let It Snow!" and "White Christmas," the perennial favorite of neo-Nazis around the world.

Marty's got a point: Jews trying to ban Christmas music are self-haters trying to cheat their fellow MOTs out of ASCAP royalties. (BTW, a friend just informed me that Kohl's -- one of the few department-store chains to use "Christmas" in their sales ads -- was started by a family of Russian Jewish immigrants.)

Marty's also got a larger point, namely that Jewish attacks on public expressions of Christian faith are ultimately self-defeating. This is especially true because evangelical Christians are some of the most enthusiastic Zionists on the planet. Your typical Southern Baptist views the Middle East from a perspective that makes the Likkudniks look like pacifist sellouts.

The myth that Christian fundamentalists are anti-Semitic is absurd. Christians love Jews so much that genocide-by-assimilation is the only threat (ask Marty's goy girlfriend!) and if it weren't for the high birth rates of ultra-Orthodox Jews (who are more pro-life than some Catholics I know) we'd probably have already run out of Jews to intermarry with.

UPDATE: Wait a minute. By calling Marty "my favorite Jew," I didn't mean to insult my Jewish cousins in Alabama. Yes, I said, "Jewish cousins in Alabama." Everybody makes fun of Southerners and their cousins, but . . . hey, you ought to see my cousins! Here's Mandy:

And here's Elizabeth:

Zaftig, y'all!