What parents worry about

Today I went upstairs for a cup of coffee and noticed daughter Reagan watching the Disney Channel in rapt attention. When I came back downstairs, I posted a message on Twitter:

My 7yo daughter now watching "Parent Trap" starring young Lindsay Lohan. Considering how Lindsay turned out, should I be worried?

To which question the only answer is, "Of course, you should be worried." Every halfway decent parent perpetually worries about how their kids will turn out. Even though I know my eldest daughter -- recently engaged to the Argentine Romeo -- watched and re-watched her VHS of The Parent Trap when she was about 10 without succumbing to moral corruption, I still worry about her baby sister.

My wife is worried about how we'll pay for the eldest's wedding, while I'm worried about whether the Pasadena trip will result in financial disaster. So, despite accusations of "whining," I'm still rattling the tip jar -- $5 or $10 might help soothe the parental jitters. Being a Dad is scary, when you consider that tabloid-trashy Lindsay Lohan (who has apparently rejoined the hetero squad and is on Twitter, BTW) was once so sweet and innocent:

P.S.: The photo at the top was found on a blog post by journalist Daniel Lehman:

Ask a Casting Director: What advice do you have for parents of child actors?

My answer: Don't let them become child actors! Your kid might turn out to be the next Lindsay Lohan or -- Heaven forbid -- Danny Bonaduce. (My 11-year-old redheaded son plays drums. That's got to be worth $20 in worry.)

A Mission for Jason Mattera . . .

That is, if you think you could handle this mission:

Not, that's not Hannah Giles. Lindsay Lohan says she's a lesbian, but I heard she broke up with her girlfriend, and when I saw this linked at Conservative Grapevine, it occurred to me that you're splitsville with Suzanna Logan now, so . . .

C'mon, Big Sexy. "Win one for the Gipper," eh?

Once you've got Lindsay wrapped, your next assignment . . . Well, let's just say a little birdy at 30 Rock tells me that someone's been doodling in her notebook like a sixth-grade schoolgirl.

Mrs. Jason Mattera
R. M. Mattera
Rachel Mattera
Rachel M. Mattera
Rachel Maddow-Mattera . . .

Show her some of that Brooklyn action, old buddy. IYKWIMAITYD. Because, as everybody knows, once they've had Puerto Rican, they never go back.

URGENT BREAKING NEWS!

EASTER MIRACLE

EX-DISNEY STARLET LINDSAY LOHAN REPORTEDLY DUMPED BY LESBIAN GF SAMANTHA RONSON . . .

DETAILS TO FOLLOW . . .

UPDATE 7:15 P.M. ET: OK, apparently this isn't so much news as it is "news to me," since I've been wrapped up in other stuff and haven't kept up with my celebrity news (via WeSmirch).

Welcome to the Blog Age: You start paying attention to "work" and next thing you know, you're so far out of the loop that Saturday you report as "urgent" news that actually broke on Monday:

She was shunned from the party and locked out of her love nest. Now, Lindsay Lohan exclusively tells E! News that reports of her breakup with Samantha Ronson are true: "We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself."
The decision was made Monday morning following a rather rough weekend. First, the 22-year-old was barred entry from a Ronson family party on Friday. Then a locksmith was seen paying a house call to Ronson's abode, where Lohan had resided in recent months.

OK, maybe you're like me. You've been so busy with trivial stuff -- piracy in Somalia, gay marriage in Iowa, your job, your family -- that you also missed this earth-shattering development in America's cultural landscape. Don't worry: I'll catch you up on the whole sordid story in subsequent updates. First, however, let us all agree that Samantha Ronson was unworthy:

As they say on "Sesame Street," one of these things just doesn't belong here. OK, sensitive tolerant guys understand that Lindsay's not obligated to enact some Bob Guccione-scripted lipstick-lesbian fantasy in her personal life. However, even a vicious sexist homophobe could have been somewhat understanding if Lindsay had hooked up with a really butch type, like one of those bulked-up pro wrestling chicks from WWE, but . . . Sam Ronson?

Nah, that's just wrong. It's the gay equivalent of Britney's quickie Vegas wedding to that stupid hometown loser. And so naturally, I'm thinking, Cry for help. This Sam Ronson fling was just Lindsay playing the LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation) game that dweeby college girls use to avoid the whole ugly date-rape-herpes-and-abortion scene of 21st-century campus heterosexuality.

While we await the oddsmaker's line on the gay/straight scenario, my money says Lindsay will next make headlines as arm-candy for an NBA player. NTTAWWT.

UPDATE 7:58 P.M. ET: Still doing background research on the LiLo/SamRo breakup, but meanwhile Professor Douglas provides linkage and hometown eye-candy, which should keep you sick freaks busy for about 10 minutes.

UPDATE 8:09 ET: Speaking of wasting your life online, I cite this testimonial from loyal reader Bob:

Funny…it all began when I started commenting on a discussion between McCain and Jimmie over the merits of Battlestar Galactica. I only found his site in the first place because I was researching Grace Park for my doctoral thesis on Asian schoolgirl uniforms.

Understand that on his way to coffee-spewing LOL, Bob's online journey through the smear machine took him to the site of a disgruntled former colleague of mine who, when last I heard anything about him, was being evicted by his own sister. It's a crazy world, and it helps to have a sense of humor.

EXPECT FURTHER UPDATES . . .