The evil women of Pittsburgh

When I decided to make a mad dash to Pittsburgh yesterday for the RightOnline conference, I knew it would be unwise to make the trip alone. The conference was held at the Sheraton Station Square Hotel in the city's westside riverfront district -- notorious for its liquor, dancing and wicked women.

So I brought along my 16-year-old son, James, not only to remind me that -- in the words of Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story 2 -- I'm a married spud, but also so that he might see for himself the sorry fate that awaits those who stray from the path of righteousness.

While I had attempted to warn him about the infamous women of Pittsburgh, young James was still shocked at the utter shamelessness of these big-city hussies. The poor lad stared, visibly filled with feelings of pity and horror by the sad spectacle of vixens, tramps, sluts and outright harlots brazenly strolling down West Station Square Drive, all gussied up in their tight dresses, dyed hair, gaudy jewelry, even lipstick and other such sinful things.

"Gosh, Pa, I never saw the likes of them in Hagerstown," James said, as one gaggle of these tawdry strumpets strutted past, smelling of whiskey and cheap perfume.

"Yes, I know, son," I answered, shaking my head sadly. "Now you undestand why all those decent upstanding Republican ladyfolks left town the minute the conference ended, rather than to risk being seen down here by the river after dark. Bad enough during the day, but if word ever was to get around that they'd been here at night, people might think they were . . . liberal."

"Yeah," James said, astonished by the sight of a woman sashaying past us in tight short-shorts and high heels. "Maybe even . . . progressive."

"Hush, boy. Your mama would wash your mouth out with lye soap if she heard you use such shameful language," I said. "Even about a woman who is so obviously . . . a Democrat."

It was then that I shared with the lad a famous poem inspired by the fallen women of Pittsburgh:

You wouldn't read my letter if I wrote you
You asked me not to call you on the phone
But there's something I'm wanting to tell you
So I wrote it in the words of this song

I didn't know God made honky tonk angels
I might have known you'd never make a wife
You gave up the only one that ever loved you
And went back to the wild side of life

The glamor of the gay night life has lured you
To the places where the wine and liquor flows
Where you wait to be anybody's baby
And forget the truest love you'll ever know

I didn't know God made honky tonk angels
I might have known you'd never make a wife
You gave up the only one that ever loved you
And went back to the wild side of life

RightOnline: Just the Facts, Ma'am

Neutral, objective journalism:

PITTSBURGH, Pa. -- Donna Scala was surprised to find she felt so at home among her fellow attendees at this weekend's RightOnline conference.
"I've never been in a room with this many conservatives before," Ms. Scala, a Democrat from Beaver Falls, Pa., said after attending the two-day conference sponsored by the Americans For Prosperity foundation.
During Saturday afternoon's final panel discussion, Ms. Scala drew applause when she stood up to ask a question, which she prefaced by introducing herself as "a Democrat who did not vote for Obama." . . .

Read the whole thing. And hit the tip jar. Oh, yeah, Erik Telford is here, too:

That's Peggy Venable, AFP Texas director, the surprisingly cheerful Telford, and Texas grassroots hottie activist Nina Sidoryanskaya.

It would probably be wrong to beat Telford into a coma in front of the ladies. But I haven't ruled it out.

UPDATE: I just helped my new blog buddy, Barbara Espinosa, install SiteMeter and Technorati on her blog. Please visit Barbara at American Freedom blog.

UPDATE II: Michelle Malkin had to catch a plane before I arrived, so I didn't get to see her, as I'd hoped. Maybe next year?

Humor-Impaired Commenter Syndrome

This rare condition can strike without warning:

If you want to know why Erik Erikson was invited to speak and not you, go to Alexa and compare your stats to Redstate. Orders of magnitude, buddy.
Why the difference? Redstate is about issues. This blog is about three things: 1) Who does and doesn't link to you, 2) Your resentment over real and imagined insults, 3) Begging for money in every post.
You want to be a player in conservative circles? Write about something that matters to a national conservative audience. And no, that would not be a two-part, line-by-line dissection of a column written two weeks ago by an unknown kid in a newspaper read only by people who eat whale blubber. Nor would it be a book-length rehashing of your personal disappointments at the Washington Times.
Seriously, this is the fourth time you've posted profoundly juvenile fantasies about hurting Telford because you're not on the program. If you ever do make it, your blurb will say, "We invited Stacy so he would stop whining."
-- "plarson," 7:55 a.m.

Research indicates that anonymity is closely associated with Humor-Impaired Commenter Syndrome, perhaps because people are afraid to advertise -- under their own names -- the fact that they are too stupid or ignorant to get the freaking jokes.

Or that they are too stupid or ignorant to tell the difference between (a) a Republican discussion board about "issues" and (b) the personal blog of a journalist who has been called (by L.J. Miller of Red State, ironically enough) "the conservative Hunter S. Thompson for today."

And speaking of "issues," let's have an informal poll. Please read the following statment aloud:

A major problem of the Republican Party today is that in recent years the GOP has attracted too many humorless self-important blowholes who take everything literally and who only want to talk about "issues."

Do you (a) strongly agree, (b) agree somewhat, (c) disasagree somewhat, (d) disagree strongly, or (e) froth with rage because you're the humorless self-important blowhole "plarson" who is belatedly realizing what a complete fool you have made of of yourself?

Of course, a poll measures what is merely a matter of opinion. As a professional journalist, I am trained to deal strictly with neutral, objective facts.

Important fact: I arrived late to the blogosphere. In 2003, one of my interns at The Washington Times, a promising young feature writer named Amy Doolittle, came to me with the suggestion of writing a story about something called "blogs," a term she had to explain was short for "weblogs."

Miss Doolittle began to explain the concept of these do-it-yourself personal online journals, and my reaction was, "Oh, you mean, like MichelleMalkin.com or The Corner at NRO?"

Yes, kind of like The Corner, answered Miss Doolittle, but she then told me that, although some of these "blog" things were about politics, they could also be about . . . anything, including the personal hobbies and daily activities of the individual bloggers. Some of these sick freaks even blogged about their cats.

This seemed rather an obscure sort of topic for a feature article in America's Newspaper, but young Miss Doolittle had her heart set on it. So we presented the idea to assistant managing editor Maria Stainer who, while perhaps even more mystified than I -- "OK, now, explain to me one more time: Why do we need to do a story about this?" -- nevertheless approved the proposal, rather than to break poor Miss Doolittle's heart.

Fast forward to December 2006: Having survived the final deadline required to complete the manuscript of Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party, I'm on the phone with my co-author Lynn Vincent, discussing the promotion and marketing of the book.

"We must have a Donkey Cons blog."
"Well, a Web site, maybe, but why a blog?"
"Because we must. Everybody does blogs to promote their books nowadays."
"Stacy, a blog will eat your life."

Lynn had been assigned blog duties at World magazine, where she was features editor, and thus knew whereof she spoke. Did I heed her warning? Oh, no, no, no.

So at 10:55 a.m. on Friday, January 13, 2006, the Donkey Cons blog made its inauspicious debut. Immediately, I was confronted with a problem: If an author writes in the blogosphere and nobody reads it, why bother blogging at all?

What followed was a crash course in what are known as Traffic Enhancement Strategies, a subject subsequently explained as "How To Get A Million Hits On Your Blog In Less Than A Year."

There are people who make money writing books and teaching seminars about this topic -- including the kind of important people who get invited to RightOnline -- but I am notoriously averse to expert advice and, indeed, have been known to share Hayekian critiques of the entire concept of expertise.

Having never been a big fan of self-help books ("Dr. Phil's Guide to Sexually Abusing Interns"), the last place you'll ever find me is sitting in a hotel conference room listening to some neurasthenic geek drone on about SEOs and Web 2.0 social networking technology.

Sorry, geek-face, I don't roll that way. What I know, I learned by the bootstrap trial-and-error method and, proud though I may be, I am not too proud to occasionally display the scars that are the inevitable result of the "error" part of that process. Mr. "plarson" is invited to read the motto atop this blog:

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up."
-- Arthur Koestler

It would be a disservice to my readers if I were less than honest about my own motives. "I Write For Money," as I once explained to that notoriously self-important blowhole Rod Dreher. Tthere is nothing I hate worse than a professional writer who, in a sort of bait-and-switch marketing scheme, endeavors to attract a gullible readership prone to believing that he, the writer, is a disinterested philosophe who has no interest in grubbing for filthy lucre.

This is not a blog for chumps and suckers. If you're too stupid to recognize that "crunchy" conservatism is a crooked game of three-card monte, if you don't get the ongoing schtick when I indulge in self-deprecating mock-Gonzo humor, you are obviously reading the wrong blog.

The correct reader for this blog is a certain mischievous resident of Cincinnati, Ohio, who just hit the tip jar for a full Benjamin, and included this double-dog-dare-ya message: "Roadtrip to PA. GO! Tell MM, Hi from Sharon. She does not know me."

So while I would like to stick around here and expend another 1,500 words explaining exactly what I meant to say when I started this post, there is now no time to waste. Sharon in Cincinnati must have a personally autographed copy of the Best. Book. Evah! and there is only one man in the blogosphere who can get it for her.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro . . . and hit the freaking tip jar. Erik Telford's going to be buying the beer in Pittsburgh tonight, but man does not blog for beer alone.

Erik Telford offers 'peace for our time'

"My good friends, for the second time in our history, a British Prime Minister has returned from Germany bringing peace with honour. I believe it is peace for our time . . . Go home and get a nice quiet sleep."
-- Neville Chamberlain, Sept. 30, 1938

On Thursday, July 21 -- 24 days ago -- I posted this in reference to my non-invitation to RightOnline:

No, my feelings aren't hurt. I'm chopped liver, and chopped liver doesn't have feelings. But why does Americans For Prosperity hate me so much? What did I ever do to Erik Telford to deserve this purposeful snub?

Puzzled and hurt, I intended merely to make mention of this, to serve notice that this insult -- this backhanded assault on my personal dignity -- had not escaped my attention.

A brief explanation: In D.C. Republican circles, if you allow yourself to be treated like Fredo Corleone getting slapped around by Moe Green, you might as well get "Chump" tattooed on your forehead, because you will never be treated with any courtesy or respect.

You've got to understand how these D.C. Republican operatives think. They're all sadistic sociopaths by nature. Maybe Erik Telford is so powerful, and I am so insignificant, that he can slap me around like Fredo and not have to worry about it. But if I don't even mention that he's slapping me around, Telford might start to thinking I'm so stupid I don't even know when I've been insulted.

OK, so on July 21 I merely noted the insult and was prepared to move on. Then, on Saturday, July 25, after speaking at the Richmond Tea Party, I ran into Ben Marchi, Virginia state director of Americans For Prosperity, and asked him if it was Telford's habit to casually insult Hayekian public intellectuals:

When I mentioned Erik's name, Ben reminded me that Telford recently made No. 2 on Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list. As usual, Olbermann gets the facts wrong -- Telford's No. 1.
That surge of registrations for RightOnline the past two days was caused by my friends signing up for a seminar Telford left off the Pittsburgh conference agenda: "I've Got T-Shirts Older Than You, Punk: Stacy McCain Explains Why He Just Beat the Crap Out of Erik Telford in the Sheraton Lobby."

That was three weeks ago and Telford, perhaps hoping nobody else had noticed, continued ignoring me.

Finally, this morning sometime after 1 a.m. -- no doubt after toasting his buddies in the Sheraton hotel bar, as they all laughed while Telford recounted how he'd insulted me -- and in response to an earlier post, someone claiming to be Erik Telford left a comment.

This commenter offered to have me as a featured speaker at RightOnline 2010, and invited me to a future "Beer Summit" to make amends. That comment was rejected for three good reasons:

• There was no independent verification that it indeed was posted by the actual Erik Telford. No responsible journalist could permit a potential "Erik Telford" impostor to perpetrate online fraud. Exactly why someone would wish to impersonate Telford, I don't know, but these Nigerian scam artists are cunning devils, and you can never be too careful.
• The commenter claiming to be "Erik Telford" left a telephone number which could not be verified and which, for all I know, might be the number of a transvestite escort service. Exactly why someone claiming to be Telford would use such a subterfuge to lure unsuspecting blog readers into calling "Vonda, the Shemale of Your Dreams, I don't know, but these Nigerian scam artists . . . well, you can never be too careful.
• Finally, even if this commenter was the real Erik Telford (and neither Nigerian nor a transvestite hooker) I fear that accepting an invitation to a "Beer Summit" could prove a prelude to disaster, like Chamberlain's 1938 summit in Munich.

How can I be sure that this "Erik" -- and readers will note the suspiciously Aryan name -- is really who he says he is, and that this is a sincere offer of peace?

What Would Reagan Do? Trust, but verify!

If the real Erik Telford truly desires to secure a lasting peace . . . Mr. Telford, come to this blog! Mr. Telford, hit this tip jar!

Of course, we encourage all our regular readers -- including Nigerian scam artists and transvestite hookers -- also to hit the tip jar.

I haven't seen Michelle Malkin in person since CPAC. It's 184 miles one-way to Pittsburgh, less than two hours drive, if the Pennsylvania State Highway Patrol hasn't been alerted that I'm on my way.

Whether or not I'm actually crazy enough to race westward on I-70 at 110 mph in order to ambush Telford and beat him into a coma, it's important that he believe I might do it. So hit that tip jar, folks. Gas, coffee, cigarettes, donuts, bail money -- expenses can add up on a spur-of-the-moment road trip like that.

"Go home and get a nice quiet sleep," Telford. And keep an eye out. Because you never know . . .

UPDATE: Humor-Impaired Commenter Syndrome.

Erik Telford, Internet expert

The guy who didn't invite me to Right Online -- who cannot even be bothered so much as to send an e-mail to explain this insulting omission -- finds time to give an interview to Dan Nephin of the Associated Press:

The Netroots Nation conference is much larger, at about 1,800 people, and lasts four days. RightOnline has about 700 people and lasts two days.
Erik Telford, executive director of RightOnline, concedes the left has been better about using blogging and social network sites such as Facebook and Twitter.
"I think for the past few years, they (the left) have had an advantage, but the tables are turning and rapidly so," he said. "The Internet is a great place for people to turn when they want to get involved. And people really want to get involved when they're locked out of power."
Telford pointed to the right's activism on "Tea Party" demonstrations across the country against stimulus spending and town hall meetings on health care as examples.
Conservative leaders were slow to embrace online activism, he said.
"But the fact of the matter is, the paradigm has flipped completely upside down. And we can either embrace it and succeed, or we can remain in denial about it at our own peril," Telford said.
"At Americans for Prosperity, we realize we can't just give marching orders to our activists. They have access to these tools. We want them to self-organize. We want to rebuild the movement from the bottom up," he said.

"Rebuild the movement" = Don't invite me.

Remember this, if you're a conservative organization for "people [who] really want to get involved." Whatever you do, make sure you leave me out, the way Erik Telford of Americans for Prosperity did, because you wouldn't want your event covered by a mere conservative journalist.

Whenever important bloggers gather . . .

. . . I'm not invited. Two weeks ago, I was not invited to the Red State Gathering in Atlanta. This week's big blog shindig to which I am not invited is Right Online in Pittsburgh.

Ed Morrissey is a featured speaker at Right Online and Twitters who he's hanging out with in Pittsburgh:

Having dinner with ... um .... everone. @ewerickson, @saorendayton, @boteleprompter, @E_lizabethCrum, @oetaxpayer, @johnhawkinsrwn

Also at dinner: @seanhackbarth, not eating.

Hey, @katiefavazza just showed up, kind of like my AIP columns ... just a wee bit late. ;-)

Right Online is organized by Americans For Prosperity, which assigned Eric Telford not to invite me.

Telford, who's every bit of 26 years old, probably thinks I was only joking about driving to Pittsburgh and whupping his impudent young ass. And probably I was.

On the other hand, I just did a Mapquest (184 mi – about 3 hours 11 mins) to the Pittsburgh Sheraton Station Square Hotel, and I've been known to do far crazier things than drive two hours -- hey, I drive fast -- for the pleasure of laying a long-overdue ass-whupping on an arrogant sumbitch who did me wrong.

If only I had enough gas money . . . but nobody loves me, because my blog sucks.

Richmond Tea Party Report: Liberty 101

Among the Virginians I met at Saturday's "Liberty 101" event in Richmond was the charming Kayrn McDermott who files a report today at the Examiner:

[Richmond talk-radio czar] Doc Thompson . . . told the assembled throng how his political views were formulated after reading Ayn Rand’s tome ‘Atlas Shrugged’ whilst in his twenties. Thompson then went on to introduce over ten speakers . . .

. . . including some guy who gave "a fiery yet humorous address," so read the whole thing.

You meet the most fascinating people at these Tea Party events. The temperature was more than 90 degrees Saturday, so I went searching for ice water amid the vendor tents at the shade-deficient Chesterfield County Fairgrounds.

This thirsty quest led to a conversation with Patrick McSweeney of Restore the Founders' Vision, a Virginia-based grassroots organization, and Ben Marchi, Virginia state director of Americans For Prosperity.

Of course, my feelings were still sore that AFP's Erik Telford insulted me by leaving me out of next month's RightOnline National Conference in Pittsburgh with Michelle Malkin. When I mentioned Erik's name, Ben reminded me that Telford recently made No. 2 on Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list. As usual, Olbermann gets the facts wrong -- Telford's No. 1.

That surge of registrations for RightOnline the past two days was caused by my friends signing up for a seminar Telford left off the Pittsburgh conference agenda: "I've Got T-Shirts Older Than You, Punk: Stacy McCain Explains Why He Just Beat the Crap Out of Erik Telford in the Sheraton Lobby." But I digress . . .

Among the folks attending the Richmond event was John Berlau, director of CEI's Center for Investors and Entrepreneurs and author of Eco-Freak: Environmentalism Is Hazardous to Your Health. Yesterday's blazing July sun was a health hazard, so John had slathered his face in sunscreen, but I told him, "Why bother with that stuff? If you get skin cancer, ObamaCare's got you covered!"

Gadsden Flags abounded at the event and the Second Amendment Sisters were out in force. Nothing like a woman packing heat to get a fellow's attention. And, yes, I finally got some ice water at the Protest Warrior tent, where I met the famous Concrete Bob of Free Republic.

Alas, as Pink Elephant Pundit Tabitha Hale informed me, At The Point of a Gun's Dave C. had a family emergency, so I didn't get a chance to meet him.

Glenn Reynolds has more on the Richmond "Liberty 101" event and other Tea Party events. Hey, professor, want to come up to Pittsburgh for the RightOnline conference? I noticed Telford left you off the schedule, too. If that punk's still conscious after I get through pounding on him, Jimmie Bise has called dibs on seconds, but you can have a shot if there's anything left when Jimmie gets done. Which isn't likely, but still possible.