Obama's Kenyan half-brother is 'linked' in sex assault on 13-year-old British girl

Via Memeorandum, the Times of London:

Barack Obama's half-brother has been refused entry to Britain after reportedly being accused of an attempted sex attack on a 13-year-old girl on his last visit.
Samson Obama, who runs a mobile phone shop in Nairobi in Kenya, was on his way to the president’s inauguration in January when he tried to stop over in Britain to visit relatives. But he was turned away by immigration officers who declined to issue a visa on the grounds of deception.
Biometric tests carried out at East Midlands airport showed that he was linked to the attack on a girl in Berkshire last November but never charged, according to a report last night. Further checks identified Samson as the half-brother of President Obama, leading to a hurried call to the White House.
A Home Office source told the News of the World: "This was obviously an extremely sensitive issue when it was flashed up by the database." Officers had noticed that one of the documents that Samson had supplied with his visa application was false which led them to make further inquiries, according to a Home Office spokesman.
Details on the database suggested that he was the same man who had been arrested by police in Berkshire after approaching a group of young girls, including a 13 year-old, and allegedly trying to sexually assault one of them, the News of the World reported.

The original News of the World exclusive is here. Obviously, the president is not responsible for the (alleged) misconduct of his siblings, but (a) exactly how many half-siblings does he have? and (b) imagine the media reaction if there was a case like this involving a relative of Sarah Palin.

UPDATE: Tim Graham's memory is helpful:

Clinton's White House aides complained about all the British press clips the "Clinton haters" used to start up negative coverage in the United States. . . . . I'd venture that if American media outlets found it newsworthy that President Bush's niece Noelle falsely tried to grab a prescription for Xanax in 2002, a teen-sex controversy over a half-brother might be worth a few sentences.

A few months before I joined the staff of The Washington Times, the Clinton White House put together a 331-page report entitled "The Communication Stream of Conspiracy Commerce." The object of the report was to explain how scandal stories about the Clinton administration originated outside the big mainstream press (New York Times/Washington Post/TV networks) and subsequently made it into the mainstream. The Washington Times figured prominently in that conspiracy theory, as did the Telegraph and other British newspapers.

The Fleet Street Formula
OK, to get into a wee bit of journalistic "inside baseball" here, you have to understand the "Fleet Street" mentality of the British press. God bless 'em, the British tabloids are utterly without shame. They have the insane belief that the object of journalism is to sell newspapers, and they go about with admirable capitalistic insight: Give the customers what they want.

It's a simple formula: Celebrities, sports, sex, crime and scandal. The ideal British tabloid story would be if Victoria Beckham were having an affair with a member of Parliament whose mutilated corpse turned up in the trunk of the Saudi ambassador's car. (Adding the irresistible "wog" angle to the story, you see.)

To a British reporter, the president of the United States is merely another celebrity, whose name and picture on the front page can help sell papers, especially if there is some kind of scandalous whiff of sex, crime or scandal involved.

Trust me, the boys at the British tabs were saying "thank you, God" when Sarah Palin was announced as the Republican vice presidential candidate. A good-looking bird is always news on Fleet Street. (Old Benny Hill joke: "What's the hottest part of the sun? Page Three!")

Beyond the obvious insight that "sex sells" (Rule 5C) British editors seem to understand the power of news as publicity. This was something that my hero, Hunter S. Thompson, figured out early in his journalism career: At some level, a lot of what a reporter does is to publicize people and events. (Thompson learned this in his early career as a sports editor, which he recounts briefly in the "Epitaph" at the end of Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72.)

Trump, Gotti and Vince Foster
To understand the value of this insight, consider how the New York Post -- the nearest U.S. equivalent of a Fleet Street tabloid -- made celebrities of John Gotti and Donald Trump. Gotti was just another mobster in a town with lots of mobsters, and Trump was just another real-estate developer. But because of the way the NY Post lavished these two figures with front-page coverage, they became celebrities. The same is true of Amy Fisher, the "Long Island Lolita."

Which brings us back to the Clintonian conspiracy theory of White House scandal coverage during the 1990s. That 331-page report (which was accompanied by a wacky-looking chart that used to be prominently displayed in one assistant editor's cubicle at The Washington Times) evidently began with an effort to figure out how the Vince-Foster-Was-Murdered story became a continuing headline saga.

Vince Foster was an old Little Rock law firm colleague of Hillary Clinton's who became a minor official -- Deputy White House Counsel -- in the Clinton administration. And then one day in July 1993, his body was found in Fort Marcy Park with a bullet through his head. Every investigation into Foster's death has ruled it a suicide but, as with the assassination of JFK, suspicious minds were . . . well, suspicious.

Here's the thing to understand: Until he shot himself, Foster was obscure, but in death he became a celebrity. Why? Because, among other things, you can't libel the dead.

Dead men don't file libel suits, which is why the skeptic must keep a container of salt handy when considering all those tales of JFK's notorious womanizing. There is abundant reliable testimony that JFK wantonly indulged his voracious sexual appetites, but the story of any specific Kennedy liaison (e.g., Marilyn Monroe) must be scrutinized with profound skepticism simply because (a) we'll never hear JFK's side of the story, and (b) the journalist who alleges the affair can never be sued for libel.

Britain's libel laws are much more plaintiff-friendly than U.S. law. An American journalist sued for libel knows that the burden is on the plaintiff to prove his story false; a British journalist must prove his story true. But in England as in America, you can't libel the dead, and after he reached room temperature, Vince Foster was fair game.

It was an Irishman, Brendan Behan, who is credited with the famous P.R. maxim, "There is no such thing as bad publicity," although the full quote is: "There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary." And Foster's obituary was very bad publicity, indeed.

The fact that Foster had been involved in helping the Clintons deal with the Whitewater scandal -- once famously described as "a cover-up in search of a crime" -- generated a massive tsunami of fresh reporting on a story that the Clintonistas wanted to go away. And thus the administration assigned White House staffers to prepare the "Conspiracy Stream of Commerce" report, in an effort to explain how a story by Christopher Ruddy of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review or Jerry Seper of The Washington Times ended up getting ping-ponged around until it was big enough news that Peter Jennings felt obligated to mention it for 40 seconds on the ABC Evening News.

Spiking the Scandal
Naturally, the Clintonistas had a propaganda objective: To convince mainstream journalists to stop reporting Clinton White House scandals. "No story here. Asked and answered. Next question." And this pushback against negative reporting had a real impact.

Everybody journalist in Washington knows that Newsweek's Michael Isikoff had the Monica Lewinsky story wrapped up about two weeks before it finally made the front page of the Washington Post. It was Matt Drudge (who figured prominently in the "conspiracy stream of commerce" theory) who broke the news that Isikoff's story had been spiked, setting off a furious scramble by D.C. news organizations to confirm the Lewinsky story.

I'd only been in town two months at that point (I started with The Washington Times in November 1997) but I'll never forget how close one of our reporters came to beating the Post on the Lewinsky scandal. The Post and Newsweek are part of the same operation, so the Post's reporters had the inside line, but it was nonetheless a close contest. And the main reason we couldn't beat them, of course, was that the people pushing the story didn't want the story to break in a "right-wing" publication; they wanted a respectable "mainstream" publication to be the first with the story.

Fortunately for Monica Lewinsky, she didn't have to turn up dead in Fort Marcy Park -- or crash into the side of a mountain in Croatia, like Ron Brown -- to become a celebrity. My advice to Samson Obama? Don't forget to pay your life-insurance premiums.

Senate condemns ACORN; House expected to approve Hannah Giles bikini photos

Charles Johnson could not be reached for comment:

A poverty-rights group that has drawn the ire of conservatives suffered another setback in Washington on Monday when the U.S. Senate voted overwhelmingly to deny it access to federal housing funds. . . .

"Poverty rights"? I guess that means ACORN fights for people's right to be poor. NTTAWWT, but I don't remember "poverty rights" in the Constitution. Let's see if we can find something a bit more fair and balanced:

A growing number of Republican lawmakers are calling for congressional hearings and IRS audits of ACORN following the release of three videotapes that show the group's employees offering advice to a "pimp" and a "prostitute" on how to skirt the law.
Rep. Steve King, R-IA, said a video released Monday that shows filmmaker James O'Keefe, 25, and Hannah Giles, 20, getting advice from ACORN employees in Brooklyn, N.Y., on how to launder their earnings and avoid detection while running a prostitution business is "another reason to turn it up" on ACORN.

Much better. Now let's try Ed Morrissey:

Senator Mike Johanns (R-NE) introduced an amendment to the HUD and Transportation appropriation bill to strip ACORN of all federal funding. A week ago, Johanns wouldn’t have gotten the amendment to the floor. Today, however, after three straight days of BigGovernment.com’s video exposés of ACORN offices in Washington DC, New York City, and Baltimore offering assistance to pimping, tax evasion, and trafficking in underage Salvadorean girls, Johanns not only got his vote — but he got an impressive bipartisan showing. The Senate passed the Johanns amendment 83-7

Wow, 83-7! Coincidentally, that's exactly the ratio of e-mails I'm getting in favor of my publishing the Hannah Giles bikini photo.

At this point, however, I owe a big hat-tip to Ace of Spades, who taught me almost everything I know about the running-gag method of building blog-reader loyalty. Ace blogs with personality and, though his actual self bears an oft-noted resemblance to an Ewok with a law degree, the outrageous humor of his online persona is what sets him apart from grim, humorless bloggers about whom we need not say anything specific at this point.

Humor wins. Humor persuades. And, as Ronald Reagan so often demonstrated, no humor is as winningly persuasive as self-deprecating humor. The guy who tells jokes on himself is telling others, "Hey, I comprehend that I am not exempt from the general ridiculousness of human folly." So when Ace jokes about swilling Valu-Rite vodka and beating up hobos -- he's notoriously hobophobic -- he invites readers to laugh at him, but also with him.

Ace is an acknowledged master of the running gag, and after a while, the running gag becomes an inside joke. Longtime readers bust a gut when he references the Paul Anka Integrity Trip, and part of the joy of recycling an old joke is the fact that only longtime readers will get it. This rewards reader loyalty, you see. "Membership has its privileges," and the longtime AOSHQ Moron gets a special payoff when Ace throws in a Scandi-hating reference to filthy lutefisk-gobblers.

Blog junkies may never get to this level of abstract theory about what makes AOSHQ so darned good, but if you're a middle-aged journalist who just quit the newspaper business and you need to grow a blog readership fast, you're like the engineer at KIA trying to reverse-engineer a Jaguar XJ. That was the kind of raw desperation that led to "How to Get a Million Hits On Your Blog In Less Than A Year."

OK, so one of the terms that Ace taught me is "blog-o-bucks." Readers of a major blogger like AOSHQ picture Ace living the high life in posh surroundings, lighting his imported cigars with twenty-dollar bills and generally, as P.J. O'Rourke once said, "farting through silk."

Alas, it's not as lucrative and as glamorous as all that and, despite his outrageously enviable success, Ace is unlikely to be buying a Gulfstream anytime soon.

If longtime readers suspect this is all leading up to a request that you hit the tip jar -- hey, there's your payoff. Membership has its rewards, and Dave C. at Point of a Gun shows why your contributions to the blog-o-bucks are desperately needed -- to help us blogger dudes hang out with biker chicks who come to D.C. for protest marches.

You really should hit the tip jar, because it enables me to play the comic role of the over-the-hill ladies' man, trying to convince himself he's still got the magic. Which is why I'm so grateful to lady-bloggers like Barbara "Angry Mob" Espinosa:

[T]he night was icing on the cake my new best married friend the infamous Robert Stacy McCain aka The Other McCain in the blog world and famous author arranged what he calls a Smittypalooza at the Army Navy Club. . . . This group of blogger's are the most knowledgable, nicest patriotic Americans you could ever meet. We had a wonderful time talking with a group of intelligent good looking guys who carried on conversations about current events with a few jokes and jabs at each thrown in to keep them on their toes. Afterwards a few of us went out for a bite to eat and always a gentlemen as well as a scholar Wombat Rampant walked us back to our hotel as The Other McCain drove over to the hotel to help me with my computer.

"Help me with my computer." Nudge, nudge. I bet you say that to all the bloggers, Barbara. IYKWIMAITYD. While Mrs. Other McCain is usually jealous of my girlfriends drinking buddies Internet consulting clients, for some reason, she's OK with Barbara.

Oh, yeah -- the string of crossed-out descriptors is another running gag. Schtick, as they say. (Or is it schtupp? I'm confused. Maybe I need to buy a Yiddish-English dictionary. So hit the tip jar.) You might have noticed that Mrs. Other McCain's jealousy is also schtick. Or schtupp. Whatever . . . hit the freaking tip jar.

Now, you're probably wondering what any of this has to do with Hannah Giles bikini photos. Well, if it weren't for Hannah Giles portraying the role of "Kenya" the prostitute, the Senate wouldn't have condemned ACORN. After the ACORN video made news, I started getting random Google hits from people searching for her photo -- which I had posted in July's coverage of the annual YAF conference.

As soon as I realized this, I posted another Hannah Giles photo and, almost immediately, commenters began requesting Hanna Giles bikini photos -- another payoff to loyal readers, who know how I shamelessly milked curiosity about Sarah Palin bikini pics and Carrie Prejean nude for traffic.

This involves a Stupid Blogger Trick known as the Google-bomb, and is also part of the reward of Rule 5, which rivals Rule 2 in popularity in "How to Get a Million Hits On Your Blog In Less Than A Year."

Rule 5A: Everybody loves a pretty girl. And the category of "everybody" includes sick freaks who search for naked photos of celebrities. (Cynthia Yockey actually gets Bea Arthur nude traffic. These people are sick, I tell you.)

These freaks are not just sick, but stupid. Perversion makes people stupid, as you might have concluded from watching TV shows about idiots who haven't yet figured out that every 13-year-old girl in an Internet chat room is either (a) an undercover cop or (b) Chris Hansen of "Dateline NBC."

So it isn't necessary to actually post nude photos of celebrities in order to get Internet traffic from idiots looking for nude photos of celebrities. If a female celebrity makes news, or if any good-looking woman suddenly becomes famous, the smart blogger who acts fast can get traffic by betting on the predictability that perverse idiots will be seeking nude photos, topless photos or bikini photos of her.

It is a fact that, in the 5 a.m. hour, 31% of my traffic was from Google freaks searching for Hannah Giles photos. A fact, but not an accident, because I don't believe in accidents. So any liberal scumbag or Perez Hilton celebrity-blogger slimeball who thinks he's going to cash in on Hannah's sudden fame . . .

Dude. Nobody beats the Rule 5 Google-bomb king. Hannah is protected, you see, and certainly not by the Google-bomb alone. Not even a denunciation by notorious God-hater Charles Johnson can harm her.

Considering that I'm sharing very valuable advice with conservative bloggers here, maybe somebody should hit the tip jar. But if you are actually so stupid as to believe I'm going to post Hannah Giles bikini photos . . . hey, you're in luck!

Despite the fact that Hannah is a devout Christian girl the same age as my own daughter, despite the fact that her father, Doug Giles, is a friend of mine and a Christian youth leader -- well-known for his skill with firearms and martial arts -- I am indeed going to post a photo of Hannah in a bikini:

That's Hannah on the left, and there's no need to name the tall blonde on the right. (A good reporter never burns his sources, especially tall blonde sources from Texas.) But if you'll click on the image, it will show the whole photo.

Genius? Maybe, although I'm sometimes kind of sloppy with the HTML code, so e-mail Smitty if you have any problems with that link . . . you sick freaks.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. . . . Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
-- Proverbs 31:10, 30 (KJV)

As Doug Giles could certainly tell you, there are lots of people who won't sit still for a sermon, but they love to hear a good joke. Deo Vindice.

Who is Lily Allen?

Why is she at Cannes? Why is she flipping people off? And why doesn't she wear panties?

The thing about celebrity blogging is you have to keep up with this stuff regularly, or else you end up blogging about half-dressed drunk women you never heard of before.

How is it that these idiots become celebrities without actually being famous? These bloggerazzi don't even tell us whether Lily Allen is a drunk movie star, a slutty pop singer or just some hanger-on floozy with a rock star boyfriend. If being drunk, rude and half-naked were the same as being famous, they could have the Cannes festival during Spring Break at Daytona and there'd be "celebrities" all over the place.

Violence at Atlanta music festival

Drunken rednecks brawling at a Skynyrd concert . . . well, not actually:

DeKalb County police spokesman Marcus Hodge said gunfire erupted at a celeb-filled party held at Club Dreams at 3595 Clairmont Road around 3:30 a.m.
The party, which kicked off the third annual So So Def Summerfest weekend, was hosted by Atlanta-based music mogul Jermaine Dupri.
Hodge said the shooting occurred after some patrons were allegedly double-charged by security guards to enter the VIP section of the club.
Hodge said some patrons became rowdy after allegedly being double-charged and were escorted outside the nightclub, where the shooting took place. . . .
Hodge said none of the celebrity guests, which included R&B singer Usher, rapper Nelly, actress Regina King, actress Gabrielle Union and actor Larenz Tate, were injured. Many other celebrities were in attendance. . . .
"The shooting was an isolated incident," said a representative for So So Def Summerfest Weekend.

Yet another isolated incidence of hip-hop violence, just like the murders of Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. and Jam Master Jay. These completely random occurences are so mysterious.

Has talk radio jumped the shark?

Genghis at AOSHQ rips into leading conservative talk-radio hosts, whom he accuses of being "entrenched in power and way too comfortable for their own good." Apparently, he's got no problem with Laura Ingraham or Mark Levin, since their names don't make his list.

Of the six hosts Genghis names, I don't get to hear Glenn Beck or Lars Larson that often, and O'Reilly's already said he's giving up his pathetic attempt at radio. I like Michael Savage, eccentricities and all, simply because he's a populist hell-raiser who speaks his mind without any concern for whose toes he steps on. So, that leaves us to discuss Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

I don't like Sean on TV, but his radio show has very strong production values. It's fast-paced with lots of sound bites, he gets big-name guests and, best of all, he seems to pay attention to the conservative blogosphere. If a headline sparks outrage with Malkin, HotAir or Instapundit, you can be pretty sure that Hannity will be talking about it.

Hannity has two really bad habits: First, every issue is cast as a titanic struggle between the forces of Good and Evil, as if to justify that Carmina Burana snippet in his hourly opening. Second, as Election Day nears, Hannity inevitably goes into GOP cheerleader mode, shaking his pompons and doing somersaults for every politician with an "R" beside his name. The Manichean melodrama and the shameless partisanship are both turnoffs for me.

Genghis complains (a) Rush takes too many days off, and also (b) "Half of the show is devoted to the Pittsburgh Steelers and his golf game."

As to (a), I'd just say that listener discontent about Limbaugh's vacation days is mainly caused by the vast gulf between Rush and his guest-hosts. Rush is just so damned good that it's always a disappointment when you switch over at 12:06 p.m., get stoked by that Pretenders bass riff and then . . . Mark Belling? Click. Time to switch to the FM classic-rock station and hope they're playing some tasty ZZ Top.

On point (b), I don't mind Limbaugh talking about golf or football for a few minutes on Monday, or any of the other little personal diversions he talks about from time to time. Politics is not the only interesting topic in the universe and, hey, it's his show. He's the most successful radio phenomenon since Alan Freed, and if he occasionally feels like chatting about his hobbies, why should I complain? It's a free country and if I get bored, all I have to do is punch a button and I'm listening to Zeppelin's "Black Dog" or Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein."

I think Rush is vastly underappreciated. As a journalist, I've interviewed lots of celebrities -- from Peter Jennings to Tom Wolfe -- but the one guy I'd most like to interview is Rush Limbaugh, simply because he is so influential and such an innovator. Most people don't realize how Limbaugh revolutionized the talk-radio medium by introducing "rock bumpers" (the music intros to each segment) and the use of audio actualities (aka "sound bites").

Rush is to radio what Columbus was to geography -- he discovered new territory by sailing off to do what nearly everybody said couldn't be done. There was never a national political talk radio program until Rush did it, and he did it against the unanimous advice of all the "experts" in the business. You can grumble all you want about his vacations and golf talk, but it's like questioning Joe Montana's Hall of Fame credentials because he sometimes threw an interception.

The man is quite literally irreplaceable and one of these days, when Rush is dead and gone, your grandchildren will be asking you to tell them what it was like to live in The Limbaugh Age.

Apology to a Bay-area 'Iron Man' fan

Monday morning, I appeared as a guest on San Francisco's KSFO with Brian Sussman, to discuss the problems afflicting the Obama campaign. While I was on hold waiting for the segment to begin, there was a news report about the huge weekend box office for "Iron Man," starring Robert Downey Jr.

Morning talk-radio is usually lighthearted -- kind of a "zoo crew" scene -- and whenever I'm on a morning show, I try to get in the spirit of things, so Monday I added a little topical humor. The hosts enjoyed it, kept me on for an extra segment, and said they'd love to have me back soon.

Then last night, I get this e-mail:

Dear Mr. McCain,
I was listening to your interview with Brian Sussman and Officer Vic on KSFO Radio on the morning of May 5, 2008. You started off the interview by responding to Vic's news report about the "Iron Man" movie starring Robert Downey, Jr. making over $100 million on its opening weekend by saying something along the lines of "Maybe with all that money, Robert Downey, Jr. can buy some more blow!"
I became deeply offended by that particular comment about Mr. Downey. It was a needlessly mean-spirited, immature, and ignorant comment to make about one's past personal problems. I'm not here to rationalizes or make excuses for Robert Downey, Jr.'s past drug problems. What I will say is that the fact that he has been able to go from the personal depths that he went to now, starring in a smash hit blockbuster about a comic book icon like Iron Man should be commended, not ridiculed.
It just wasn't the appropriate context to be making tasteless cocaine jokes when discussing the weekend box office results. When will people first be judged by their success than their personal problems. And God forbid, you're not the only person in the world who doesn't have your own demons.
Sincerely,
[NAME]

Let me begin by saying that I mean no offense to "Iron Man" fans. People say it's a great movie (3-and-a-half stars from Ace) and I'm actually delighted to see Robert Downey Jr. make such a strong comeback. He's a talented actor, and I remember his work all the way back to his Brat Pack days in "Weird Science" (I'm a big fan of of Brat Pack movies.) All that said . . .

For crying out loud, man, if I can't make a joke about Robert Downey Jr. and cocaine, what can I make a joke about?

The dude's been in rehab more times than Charlie Sheen's been with hookers. OK, that's an exaggeration. Nobody's done anything more than Charlie Sheen's been with hookers. But still, my point is, the faults and foibles of celebrities have always been fair game for humor.

When I was a kid, I remember watching Don Rickles busting drunk jokes on Dean Martin and Ed McMahon, just like he did mobster jokes about Frank Sinatra and ex-wife jokes about Johnny Carson. It's a shtick.

Is cocaine addiction somehow sacrosanct? Why? Because coke is a favorite indulgence of the rich and famous? Robin Williams (who certainly did his share of toot) once famously observed that coke is God's way of telling you you've got too much money. Just imagine the fortune that Robert Downey Jr. snorted up back in the '80s and '90s! (In addition to coke, he's also been busted with marijuana, heroin and various pills over the years.)

Every late-night comedian in the country tells drug jokes about Robert Downey Jr., simply because he's quite possibly the most notorious dope addict in the world. If Cheech and Chong ever reunite, they could do a whole album on the dude.

Yet I somehow crossed a line by joking that the huge box office of "Iron Man" might finance another excursion to the Bolivian snowfields for Downey? Such a joke is "needlessly mean-spirited, immature, and ignorant"? As to my own "demons," I was a teenage dopehead until, at the age of 19, I had a severe hallucinogenic experience involving cocaine and psilocybin. (Just say no, kids.)

Well, OK, I had bad drug experiences, and gave up dope. Downey had bad drug experiences, and kept doing dope. So why didn't I spend two decades feeding a coke habit and popping in and out of rehab umpteen times like Downey? Because I couldn't afford it, that's why!

What you're doing, in telling me I can't crack a joke about Downey's coke habit, is telling me that he's off-limits because he's rich. Well, screw that. There are too many people truly deserving of my sympathy for me to waste any sympathy on a rich Hollywood pretty boy who's so stupid that he lost Sarah Jessica Parker over his dope habit.

There are guys at Walter Reed who got their legs blown off in Iraq. There are abused women worried sick that their violent ex-boyfriend's going to break the restraining order and come kill them. And don't even get started on the millions and millions of people living in parts of the Third World so poor they don't even have clean water, much less medicine or proper nutrition. (Fact: The average life expectancy in Botswana is 34.)

There are people genuinely suffering in this world, and Robert Downey Jr. is not one of them. So get off my back about a silly joke. If you don't have a sense of humor, that's not my problem. Besides which, most dopeheads are on self-pity trips anyway. Being sensitive toward their "personal problems" is the exact opposite of what a dopehead needs.

Excuse me for being so unapologetic, but this ain't 17th-century France, and a guy like me doesn't have to kowtow to a guy like Robert Downey Jr. just because he's a movie star. I routinely crack jokes on senators and presidents, and if Downey thinks he's better than Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton or Larry Craig, he's got another think coming. (On second thought, I take back the part about Ted Kennedy. Downey has never driven off a bridge and beat the rap for vehicular homicide, so he is better than Ted Kennedy. But that's not saying much.)

Now that I've gotten myself into such an ill mood, I need to get some sleep to be ready for the Tuesday primary results. Here's some cool dopehead music for you in the meantime:

Video: Britney update!

She's back in Los Angeles, where she almost caused a paparazzi riot on her arrival at LAX. In watching that video, I'm thinking:

• The advent of relatively cheap autofocus digital cameras has swollen the ranks of semi-pro paparazzi. The cost of film would keep most of them out of the game.
• Celebrities could avert this kind of scene if they'd stop trying to play the hard-to-get recluse, surrounded by bodyguards shoving photographers aside. Britney could have come out the arrivals gate, held an impromptu photo session, and then said, "OK, boys, you've got your pics. Now, I need to go catch my ride, so please let me through."

Think about it. There are other stars as big as or bigger than Britney who don't routinely cause paparazzi mob scenes. She's just not handling them correctly.

UPDATE: Britney's sister, trailer-trash role model Jamie Lynn Spears, is also back home after giving birth to a 7-pound, 11-ounce bastard girl.

Evil racist attack ad

Please watch this ad from the McCain campaign and see if you can spot the hateful message:

Yeah. Me, neither. Nor could any reasonable person see "hate" in that ad. Britney, Paris, Obama -- celebrities, famous for being famous -- an ad obviously intended to raise the question of whether Obama (who's only been in the Senate since 2005) has the experience needed to lead the country in this difficult time of crisis at home and abroad.

Yet somehow, the media see a racist message. Why? Well, because the Obama campaign told them the message is there. See, in case you didn't notice, Britney and Paris are both Caucasians, and because Obama's father was Kenyan, this proves that the GOP is being mentored by the departed spirit of Theodore Bilbo ... or something like that.

It's absurd beyond words, a paranoid delusion, a martydom complex on the part of Democrats who (a) insisted on a very inexperienced liberal as their presidential nominee and then (b) cry "racism" the minute Republicans point out that he is ... a very inexperienced liberal. But since it is apparently "racism" to depict Obama in the vicinity of any white female, what are they going to do about this hatemongering image?

Why, it's practically an outtake from "Mandingo"!

UPDATE: Another hateful attack:

I think he could put his entire energy policy on the back of a cocktail napkin with plenty of room for his foreign policy left over.

This is obviously racism. Where do we find cocktail napkins? In bars. And why do guys go to bars? To pick up women. Hint, hint. The racism is subliminal, but it's there. It's got to be. Because the only reason anyone ever criticizes Obama is racism.

UPDATE II: First it was cocktail napkins, now it's "beer goggles"! Oh, these evil racists are everywhere, I tell you . . .

Mother Teresa with an AK-47?

"All my life, from birth, it's been a fight. And it always seemed to be another man's war. I always seemed to be fighting for someone else. But it always came back to me. The Word says we're born into sin, and sin always comes back to war."
-- Sam Childers

Lots of do-gooders want to help poor people in Africa. You can turn on the TV and see celebrities talk all about Africa at their charity concerts. And you can turn on the TV and see politicians yammer on about Africa. But while the rock stars and senators were talking, one courageous missionary was already there, fighting to save lives. When God's people in war-torn northern Uganda and southern Sudan needed help, God sent a Pennsylvania steel-worker's son, a two-fisted biker who wasn't afraid of a fight.

Another Man's War: The True Story of One Man's Battle to Save Children in the Sudan will be released next month, but you can pre-order it now at a special price.

The New York Times has a report on the effort to hunt down Joseph Kony and his LRA terrorists, who have inflicted evil in Africa for two decades. Last week, two of Kony's lieutenants said they're ready to surrender.

'It has happened far too much . . .'

. . . for it to be a coincidence," says a commenter:

What the hell is it with trolling left-leaners being the first to post a negative, argumentative, misleading or outright false comment to any Obama-related post in many moderate-to-conservative websites? I've seen it time after time after time in perhaps 30-40 websites. It has happened far too much for it to be a coincidence.
I think there are actually so many deranged Obamites that they can mount a monitoring campaign on virtually every current-event or political website with a moderate or conservative bent which gets a noticeable number of hits. I can't explain it any other way.
I am absolutely serious. Start paying attention and see what you think.

Well, of course, it is not a coincidence, my anonymous friend. It's called "organization," and the Left is far more organized online than the Right is. The Democratic Party and its affiliated liberal groups have devoted millions of dollars to the development of online resources, the Republican Party and its affiliated conservative organizations have not, and that's one of the big reasons we've been getting our ass kicked since 2005.

Look, I could write a book -- and will, I'm sure, at some point -- about what's wrong with the conservative/GOP leadership at this point, but if I had to boil it down to a single sentence it's this: Over the past decade or so, the conservative movement has increasingly operated on a top-down, centralized-control, hierarchical model.

There is a lack of organizational spontaneity on the Right. The Right's donor base is older and more set in their ways, compared to the Left, which has made tremendous inroads among newly affluent information-industry entrepreneurs.

Major conservative donors tend to be in their 60s and 70s. In return for their contributions, they expect to go to an annual banquet with congressmen and Cabinet officials, get a slick quarterly magazine, and see some kind of brick-and-mortar headquarters with a paneled lobby and a bunch of well-groomed, well-mannered young "policy analysts" and "senior fellows" sitting in offices.

These donors respond to snail-mail appeals featuring well-known names -- Reagan administration Cabinet officials and other political celebrities they recognize from Fox News -- affliated with well-established organizations. The people who run these major conservative organizations then spend these contributions in the cautious, responsible way their cautious, responsible donors expect.

This is all fine and good, except that it has resulted in the organizational equivalent of arterial sclerosis. The structure of the conservative movement is fairly rigid. Innovation is difficult and improvisation impossible.

Furthermore, much of the movement is subdivided into a number of speciality operations -- e.g., "family values," "defense and security," "economics," etc. -- each with their own resources and donor bases. Which is necessary and useful, except that the specialization prevents effective mobilization of the entire strength of the movement. A policy analyst at a think tank who specializes in abortion-related issues isn't going to be any help when tax policy is front and center, and a defense-policy researcher has nothing to offer when the key issue is gay marriage. The revenue streams of these various specialty groups are more or less locked in, and results in a sort of soporific bureaucratism.

I've merely skimmed the surface of the problem. I could talk about the generational problem -- the fact that most big operations on the Right are run by 60ish people who don't know basic HTML, much less understand the dynamics of the blogosphere. Or I could talk about Republican Party campaign operations run by people who see bloggers as lackies to be manipulated and exploited, not sponsored and consulted. (Don't ever start me talking about GOP staffers, especially their habitually hostile attitude toward the press, unless you've got all night to hear me rant.)

These problems -- and, I repeat, I've just skimmed the surface -- are not isolated and episodic, but systemic and intrinsic. And so long as Republicans are winning elections with the existing structure, so long as bigwigs at major conservative organizations can keep their donors believing that they are effectively advancing a conservative agenda, it will never change.

But ... where was I before I descended into venomous ranting? Oh, yes: Why the leftoid trolls always seem so far ahead of the game.

Ever hear of "Google alerts"? Feedreaders? Or else, keep a steady eye on Memeorandum and look for threads on subjects of interest.

Who are these leftoid trolls? Possibly (a) professional operatives paid to do what they do, or (b) fanatically motivated graduate students, or (c) people bored at the office, surfing the 'Net instead of doing whatever it is they're actually paid to do.

Go look at the comment fields on left-wing blogs and you'll discover that there is an online army of these liberals who seem to have nothing better to do than comment on blogs. Some left-wing blogger posts up an open thread and -- presto! -- 400 comments within an hour. Amazing, but I guess liberals are the kind of people who would rather do that stuff than look at pinups.

Thank you, Bush 41!

Oh, sweet mother of ironies:

First Lady Michelle Obama is kicking off a White House push to underscore the importance of volunteerism in San Francisco on Monday -- a move that will have political figures here elbowing each other to get in the frame with her.
But step aside, folks, it's California First Lady Maria Shriver who snags that honor before all. . . .

(Editor's note: Remember how all those celebrities in California strove to "get in the frame with" Laura Bush? . . . Hello? Is this thing on?)

Then, Michelle Obama delivers the keynote at Moscone Center, before the 2009 National Conference on Volunteering and Service. That meeting, hosted by the Corporation for National and Community Service and the Points of Light Institute . . .

Ah, the "thousand points of light" hailed by President George H.W. Bush as he celebrated that "kinder, gentler America" which he handed on a silver platter to Bill Clinton four years later and which his son delivered, gift-wrapped with a festive bow of "compassionate conservatism," to the Obamas. (Read My Lips: No More Bushes!)

Michelle Malkin links this S.F. Chronicle story to point to an angle that interests me very much:

Guess where the First Lady will be on Monday?
Why, she’ll be delivering the keynote address at the 2009 National Conference on Volunteering and Service in San Francisco.
And who is co-sponsoring the conference?
Why, the Corporation for National and Community Service (CNCS)!
Yes, that’s the same CNCS that is the parent organization of AmeriCorps.
It’s the same CNCS that last year suspended Sacramento mayor/Obama crony Kevin Johnson from receiving federal funds after then-inspector general Gerald Walpin blew the whistle on massive fraud and abuse of AmeriCorps dollars for personal and political gain. . . .

If you haven't read the whole thing (including The Other Michelle's California itinerary), then most certainly you should read the whole thing. However . . .

When you come back from reading the whole thing, let's talk about something very important: The reason Barack Obama is president is because the people in charge of the Republican Party are stupid. And I'm not talking about SAT scores. I'm talking about the kind of stupid that thinks:

• Republicans can win by trying to beat liberals at the "compassion"/"social justice" schtick;
• Republicans can create government programs that won't be taken over and subverted to expand the Democratic Party the next time Democrats win an election; and
• Republicans who think it's a good idea to nominate a short, bald, grumpy 72-year-old for president.

Perhaps you fall into one of those three categories, in which case, you should never look into a mirror without seeing a face blushed with shame for having elected Obama president. Had the Republican Party stuck to its knitting, The Other Michelle would not be first lady, but because of "compassion" and Crazy Cousin John . . . On Super Tuesday 2008, somebody wrote this:

McCain is not a conservative, he will lose in November . . .

And the same person wrote this:

John McCain lost the election Sept. 24 and Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States. Nothing that is likely to happen between now and Nov. 4 can change this outcome.

Really, shouldn't being right count for something?

But it doesn't count for . . . well, it doesn't count for much. Why is this? Because the stupid people who run the GOP (are you listening, John Cornyn?) invariably heed the voices of The Republicans Who Really Matter.

Someone recently called attention to the fact that a certain writer is "enthralled with the leftosphere's 'association with academia,'" like Professor Glenn Reynolds is chopped liver and Professor William Jacobson is a side order of fries. Attention was called to this backhanded insult to conservative academic bloggers by the pickle on the lunch plate, Professor Donald Douglas, observing that the bearer of insults "argues like a lefty." Gee, ya think so?

Some of you might have noticed that there was actual news today, while some of us were distracted by other matters. I'm tired of being distracted. Remind me one of these days to write an essay entitled, "Exhaustion Has Consequences." Think Small.

BTW, I just had to borrow Ed's troll-hammer and delete a couple of comments on a thread. Use your own bandwidth, Anonymous. You've abused my hospitality once too often. Also, sensei Moe Lane points out that he's got some practical tips on blogging to offer.

There is a saying revered among the sensei: Thou shalt not suffer a troll to waste thy bandwidth. Few are the sensei, and many are their sayings.

Anything else? Yes. Little Miss Attila. More sensei wisdom: When in doubt, link Little Miss Attila.

UPDATE: Daley Gator is praying for me. TrogloPundit is moved to pity. Trog, you know who you should pity? The Wisconsinian with whom you partied in Minneapolis last August.

When I was driving down to D.C. on Thursday, I was so furious I was ready to dismantle that boy. Fortunately, I restrained my wrath, and he bought me a cup of coffee. Then I spotted a sign next to an elevator that directed me to the office to which your friend should have taken me immediately upon my arrival.

The most valuable qualities in journalism are aggression and resourcefulness. When other reporters are eating your lunch and your sources aren't answering their phones, you get angry. You are being paid to get the story, and if you aren't getting the story, you're cheating your employer out of a paycheck.

Faced with the alternative of becoming a worthless laughingstock, you get in your car and start driving with one idea in mind: Finding that son of a bitch who stands between you and your story.

Well, Trog, on Thursday, your buddy was that son of a bitch. Ask Mrs. Other McCain what kind of mad Celtic fury had gripped my soul when I left the house that afternoon. Ask Rick Moran what sort of bloody imprecations I was shouting into my cell-phone as I blazed down the freeway at 90 mph en route to what, for all I knew at the time, was going to be a fruitless run-around by the son of a bitch who wasn't returning my calls.

Trust me. I was going to leave Washington with the story, or else I was going to become the story. Maybe the story was going to be my obituary, but . . .

Anyway, when I have to drive 70 miles, pay $9 to park and walk three blocks because you didn't answer your phone, don't expect me to be in a pleasant mood when I arrive. And I'm prepared to make that trip again, if necessary.

Busting the Chavezistas

Over at NewsBusters, Matthew Vadum does a number on the Friends of Hugo:

QUESTION: What do you get when you help terrorists seek dirty bombs, give sanctuary to Hezbollah and Hamas, taunt America, and threaten war on U.S. ally Colombia?
ANSWER: Hugs and kisses from members of Congress like Senator Chris Dodd and Congressman Dennis Kucinich, academics like Cornel West, and Hollywood celebrities like Danny Glover – and a pass from the press.
And what’s there not to love about Venezuela’s Marxist strongman Hugo Chavez, who crushes dissenters, muzzles the media, and takes from “the rich” to give to “the poor”? With a Kennedy clan member as his spokesman, he even gives discounted home heating oil to the shivering masses of the U.S. oppressed by the capitalist system. ¡Viva la Revolucion!

Definitely read the whole thing. As disgusting as Chavez is, his American supporters are even more disgusting.

Alyssa Milano doesn't follow me on Twitter

She is, however, following Mickey Kaus and re-tweeting his Slate posts:

Why do the searches for "tweets" that mention various twitter celebrities -- Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, and Alyssa Milano, and even CEOs like Klein -- almost invariably turn up such pleasant comments?

I don't know the answer to that question, and I don't care. What I do know is that Alyssa Milano has more than 300,000 followers, whereas she's following fewer than 450 people.

If, just once, Alyssa Milano were to re-Tweet one of my blog posts . . . Dude. She's like Instapundit! Except, of course, she's a hottie.

Follow me on Twitter. Even if you're not Alyssa Milano.

Obama & his celebrity base

My column at The Conservative Voice:

Barack Obama may be annoyed by the McCain campaign's ads tagging him as "the world's biggest celebrity," but that won't stop the Democrat from attending a star-spangled Beverly Hills fundraiser tonight.
Barbra Streisand will headline a $2,500-per-ticket concert at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, following a $28,500-per-plate dinner at the Greystone Mansion. Organizers of the Hollywood spectacular -- expected to raise a record $9 million for Obama -- include movie moguls Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen, Variety reports.
Meanwhile, John McCain and Sarah Palin will be campaigning this afternoon at a rally in Vienna, Ohio.
The glamour gap between the Democratic and Republican campaigns could hardly be more dramatic. In fact, according to the Center for Responsive Politics, Obama has already raised more than $5 million from the TV, movie and music industries, compared to less than $900,000 that the McCain campaign has collected from show-biz types.
Obama's Hollywood totals might be even larger, if not for the fact that many in the entertainment community supported Hillary Clinton during the Democratic primaries. Clinton collected more than $3.6 million from the TV/movies/music sector, according to CRP. All told, show business donors have given more than $10.1 million to Democratic presidential candidates (including also-rans John Edwards and Chris Dodd), compared to less than $2 million for Republicans.
The throng of celebrities who attended the Democratic Convention in Denver -- including Danny Glover, Cyndi Lauper, Ashley Judd, Chevy Chase, Sean Penn, Eva Longorio, Ann Hathaway and Fran Drescher -- emphasized the overwhelming leftward tilt in Hollywood.
Yet the boost in McCain's poll numbers following Palin's addition to the GOP ticket seems to have set off a panic in Tinseltown.
Hollywood liberals "are passionate about the idea of Obama being president," William Morris CEO Jim Wiatt told Variety, adding that many stars are concerned that "the polls are fluctuating so much." One of those involved in tonight's fundraiser told Politico: "People are really scared that McCain is gaining. ... In my 20 years here, I have never seen folks write checks like this."
Streisand, who was among Hillary's most ardent supporters in the primary campaign, denounced McCain's selection of Palin as his running mate.
McCain "demonstrated that he is willing to put his desperation to win this election above the welfare of the American people," Streisand wrote on her blog. "This calculated, cynical ploy to pull away a small percentage of Hillary's women voters from Barack Obama will not work. We are not that stupid!" Streisand emphasized that last sentence with 19 exclamation points.
"Bourne" star Matt Damon added his own fears to the mix, telling the Associated Press in a video interview the Palin nomination is "like a bad Disney movie," and wondering "if she thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago or if she banned books or tried to ban books." That outburst prompted Andrew Breitbart to observe that Damon and his celebrity pals seem to have more fear of Alaska's Christian governor than of Islamic terrorists.
Damon's devotion to Marxist historian Howard Zinn, Breitbart said, helps explain "why a beautiful and accomplished woman from Alaska poses such a threat to Hollywood and the Democratic Party -- and why so many people in heartland America are rooting for her to win."

PREVIOUSLY:

• 9/15: Guess the GOP can write off the failed former child star vote
• 9/15: Democrats panic
• 9/12: 'I can't stand her. She can suck it.'
• 9/12: Elite rage against Palin
• 9/8: Shaking their confidence daily

Rule 5 Sunday

by Smitty

Rule 5 Sunday is once again upon us. Great roundup, as we seem to have more participation from the ladies and some of the big names in the blogosphere. Let us pause for refreshment in positive things.

• Reader Cindy suggests we start with Emily West as a palate cleanser. This blog concurs in an ow-that-pebble-hurts kind of way.
• Late for the International BikiniFest, Engadget does something with 15 bikini models and wiring to make a synthesizer. I don't know how he kept a straight face, either.
• Mallika Sherawat appears to have been slightly late for the bikini-synthesizer gig, but makes up for it by being stunning.
• The Instapundit, to whom we never hesitate to direct more traffic when we can, links a Life Magazine collection of celebrities in bikinis. Three Beers Later had gone flat by the time the entry arrived, alas.
• Daphne, at Jaded Heaven, admits a brunette bias.
• Vodkapundit links a clip of bikini-clad women reading the script to Star Wars. I'm not sure if the absinthe is working for you, Steven.
• Chad at the KURU Lounge suggested Jana Defi. We can agree on this much: Jana is a healthy lady.
• The Troglodarity Department feels it is time to bring back Britney. And Carrie Prejean. We're also treated to Sophie Milman. Have you ever wanted to be a microphone? Me neither, until I saw that clip.
• Morgan Freeberg presents Meghan Fox in a clip that is new to me, but may have offended some already in its potty-mouthed hyperbole. Troglopundit linked it too, and his comment function is about an order of magnitude less painful than Freeberg's.
• Powerline is finally seeking that special traffic boost that only Rule 5 can give. Here is some serious reporting on the Miss Universe Pageant. Follow-up posted here. Again, the Miss Universe Pageant refused to let Stacy McCain be a judge, so I guess he's boycotting.
• In sports news, Dennis the Peasant has a Rule -5 example. I'll admit: I find that picture strange, yet compelling for some reason. Psychoanalyze me in the comments.
• Dustbury contributes Nadja Auermann, for those who admire the leg as a special art form.
• Ed Driscoll at Viral Footage linked The Onion's tweaking of PETA. Ed Driscoll.
• Obi's Sister goes hi-brow (NTTAWWT) with a montage of silver screen heroes set to Bach #3 for the ladies. That wasn't me, either, playing the Bach, though I should really practice on the pipes and post a clip. Browbeat me, readers.
• Paco favors the clarinet over the violin in suggesting Ginny Simms
• Jeffords quotes a woman in lingerie sitting on a piano amidst roses as saying "Mel Gibson is a visionary". Trust Jeffords. He is a professional.
• In health news, the WyBlog examines the Ratched future of nursing under Obamacare, and comes up with some attractive alternatives.
• The Classic Liberal continues the health care thread with a study in Avril Lavigne. The swerve into energy policy at the end was a bit of a mind frak. It will require several more reviews to determine whether or not it works.
• Staunch Rule 5 aficionado Bob Belvedere has several entries, a testament to his shamelessness. Here is Stella Stevens. There was a study in Suzanne Pleshette. He also recommends Julie Christie.

And how can we ignore the temptation from the last caption to squeeze in the fruit of another YouTube clip?

That concludes us send updates, cheers and jeers to Smitty. Peace, out.

Update:
Now that we've made sure the Myers has been fed (they shut down the buffet in his wake), let us attend to the correspondence.

• The Daily Gator had some edgier cheesecake on offer.
• Superpowers That Be is a Mad Men fan, then.
• 'Nation of Cowards' recommends Julianne Hough.
• I Am Classical Liberalism, And You Should, Too! (that' a blog name, not a Stephen Colbert riff) suggests Summer Altice.

Celebrity update

Lindsay Lohan gets jiggy in a toilet with the son of Bobby Brown? A believe-it-or-not week for the red-carpet crowd, via We Smirch:

• Clint Eastwood and Spike Lee trade insults.
• Ashley Tisdale does not have HIV, her publicist says.
• Keira Knightley, "My Fair Lady"?
• Reese Witherspoon's ex moves on.
• Kate Beckinsale . . . dude, don't even ask.
• Disney pre-starlet vows abstinence.
• Ed McMahon homeless?
• VF sticks by Gershon-Clinton rumor.

And finally . . .

• Some Swedish "model" bimbo nobody ever heard of has a "Britney moment" that is, er, tranparently staged.

Just when you think you've seen the low ebb of Western civilization, it always sinks a little lower. When wannabe celebrities now resort to this kind of stunt for the paparazzi . . . how desperate for fame can you get? Cue the Brad Paisley.

Japanese cell-phone porn junkies

Actually saw this on Ace's sidebar yesterday, but then Conservative Grapevine linked it, so here's Bloomberg News on the phenomenon:

Takeshi says he pays 6,300 yen ($66) a month to NTT DoCoMo Inc. for unlimited Internet access, allowing him to download adult movies on his mobile phone.
"A mobile is far handier than a computer for Internet access -- I seldom use a PC outside the office," said Tokyo travel agent Takeshi, 32, who declined to give his surname.
Takeshi and other pornography fans are feeding a surge in demand for movie downloads in Japan, home to the world's first third-generation wireless network. While profiting from the traffic, Tokyo-based mobile carriers DoCoMo and KDDI Corp. say they've been forced to impose limits on the heaviest users as the $74 billion network feels the strain.

Read the rest, just in case you thought I was joking when -- in explaining the rationale of Rule 5 -- I said that recovering porn addicts might need the occasional dose of methadone. The SiteMeter sees all and, as the blogger obsesssively refreshes to discover where his traffic is coming from, even I am sometimes surprised by the bizarre Google search terms that bring people to a conservative political blog. The fact that I got my two months of heaviest traffic with the help of Sarah Palin bikini pics and Carrie Prejean nude is mute testimony to an enduring truth: Sex sells.

Well, then, if porn freaks are Googling for sexy hot pictures of world-famous celebrities -- or searching the 'Net for that notorious Michael Jackson sex video -- should conservatives allow TMZ and Perez Hilton to monopolize such a lucrative market niche? If kinky Japanese are seeking hentai redhead ladyboys, are we to eschew any effort to redirect them to Austrian School discussions of free-market economics?

I say, "No!" Maybe the snobs at NRO don't feel the need for outreach to the Japanese porn-freak community. However, if that traffic is heavy enough to shut down a cell-phone network, then don't be surprised when the phrase "spanking schoolgirls" makes an appearance in a serious educational policy debate.

Jules Crittenden is not ashamed to be Marie Osmond's lesbian daughter, Cynthia Yockey owns the Bea Arthur nude Google-bomb, so if any of those disgusting perverts in Tokyo want to see Michael Jackson with Macaulay Culkin, they've come to the right blog.

If conservatives don't practice shameless capitalism, who will?

Celebrity update

Because politics gets boring, we read the tabloid gossip trash, so you don't have to:

• Mischa Barton topless. Another one of those, "Huh, who is she?" starlets I never heard of before. She first popped up in "The Sixth Sense," then starred in "The O.C.," a show that no adult ever watched.
• Also topless: Sienna Miller, partying at a Mediterranean resort with very married father of four Balthazar Getty. Just in case you don't know who she is either, she's a British actress who played Edie Sedgewick in Factory Girl and was once engaged to Jude Law (The Talented Mr. Ripley/Cold Mountain).
• "Mini-Me" Vern Troyer wins a lawsuit to prevent distribution of a sex tape. There is a God.
• Miley Cyrus wet T-shirt picture. Seems that 15-year-old Miley has a habit of sending sexy photos to her boyfriend, Nick Jonas (of the Jonas Brothers band, with whom she's currently on tour) and somebody's hacked her account.
• Speaking of the Jonas Brothers, brother Joe just graduated from high school.
• Miley bids fair to follow in the tabloid footsteps of another former Disney starlet, Lindsay Lohan, who partied with her lesbian girlfriend last night. (But, you know, come to think of it, I don't really remember Lindsay's name ever being romantically linked with any guy stars, so maybe she's been gay ever since The Parent Trap.)
• In other ex-Disney starlet news, Britney Spears has almost settled her custody dispute with K-Fed.
• You know the comedian Carrot Top? Here he is at a Hollywood restaurant. Notice the chick he's with. Yeah -- in Hollywood, even B-list celebrities like Carrot Top hang out with beautiful blondes.

As usual, we get all our celebrity trash from WeSmirch, the gossip aggregator.

And you think YOUR life sucks

Let Howard Kurtz tell you about the newspaper business:

When Arthur Sulzberger Jr. refused to talk to his own reporter about the financial condition of the New York Times Co., it was the latest sign of an industry in deep trouble. . . .
Sulzberger . . . declined to comment for an article last week that described the Times Co. borrowing $25 million at 14 percent interest from Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim Helu -- described by the paper two years ago as having a "robber baron reputation"-- while trying to arrange a sale-leaseback of its Manhattan headquarters and unload its stake in the Boston Red Sox.
The Times . . . has barely cut its 1,300-person newsroom, the largest in the business. . . .
Online ad revenue remains far too modest to support the sizable reporting staffs that make newspapers worth reading and enable them to do real digging. . . .
A wave of newspaper shutdowns seems likely this year as revenue continues to plummet. Tribune Co. and the Minneapolis Star Tribune are bankrupt. The Seattle Post-Intelligencer and Rocky Mountain News are for sale and will probably close if buyers cannot be found. Layoffs, buyouts and cutbacks are endemic. Even among the biggest papers, the Times has folded its Metro section into the paper, while The Post has killed its Sunday Source section and is dropping Book World as a separate section. . . .

Well, you can read the whole thing -- click the link, support poor Howard. Give him some pity traffic, people. Because, no kidding, journalism is on the verge of become charity work:

[T]he New Yorker's Steve Coll, a former Post managing editor, [say] an endowment should be raised to support quality journalism -- a $2 billion fund that, he says, could underwrite The Post's news operation by spending 5 percent a year. But that not only treats newspapers as a charity case, it raises ethical concerns: Who would manage the fund, who would contribute, and how could the newsroom be protected from donors' political influence?

"Ethical concerns"? Yeah -- you're producing goods for which there is no demand, or at least, less demand than would be necessary to make a profit. The fact that something can no longer be done for a profit is a sign from the market, telling you that you should stop doing whatever it is you're losing money at.

Give it up, Howard: Print journalism is going the way of the buggy whip. An industry dependent on reading cannot survive in a post-lterate culture.

Try riding a Metro train sometime and pay close attention to the younger riders, those under 30. They're not reading newspapers. They're not reading magazines. They're not reading books. They're not reading anything. Young people don't read anything any more, except maybe text messages: c u later lol

You picture the college dorm-room scene:

STUDENT 1: Dude, wazzup?
STUDENT 2: Reading a blog.
STUDENT 1: Why?
STUDENT 2: Just reading.
STUDENT 1: I mean, like, for a test?
STUDENT 2: No, just reading.
STUDENT 1: Dude, that's retarded.

So what does this mean for the future of the newspaper business? It means the newspaper business has no future, except as a streamlined, bare-bones, low-budget operation. Oh: With lots of photos of celebrities. The Three S's: Sex! Scandal! Sports! Something like the London tabloids or the New York Post.

And no more layers and layers of management. If your ambition in the newspaper business was to become assistant managing editor, you're screwed, because the managing editor of the future will have no assistant. He'll have a clerk/receptionist maybe, but none of this stuff with people paid to sit in offices and attend meetings all day.

The only people who will work at the newspaper of the future will work at the newspaper of the future. That weekly "advanced planning meeting"? Cancelled -- permanently. People in the newspaper of the future will just know their job and do it, and there won't be any time to sit around planning what you're going to do in two weeks or two months.

Every reporter will be a news reporter. The Robin Givhans of the world --- the low-productivity "style" writers -- are a luxury that the newspaper of the future cannot afford.

The newspaper of the future will have fewer specialists, more generalists. And everyone in the office will be expected to do their share of the drudgery -- helping compile the columns of briefs and "community news" and maybe covering a Friday night high school football game, too.

If you want to work at the newspaper of the future, forget about the eight-hour day and get used to the 50- or 60-hour week, working from home on weekends. Vacation? Forget that, too. Maybe you'll get a three-day weekend once in a while.

The newspaper of the future will be nothing like the bloated, boring bureaucratic behemoths over which the Pinch Sulzburgers of the world have accustomed themselves to presiding. And that is a good thing.

Andrew Klavan: RAAAAACIST!

"Boys, Andrew Klavan out-celebritied me and I ain't never gonna be out-celebritied again!"

(He's right that liberalism contributes to the degeneracy of celebrities. Can you say McKenzie Phillips?)

And remember: There are five A's in raaaaacism.

Update: (Smitty)
We are now embedded with raaaaacists.