Czar d'Oz Episode VI: Sandog

by Smitty



Start with the Czar d'Oz Announcement

Synopsis: In the year 2112, the characters retreated to a basement shelter to weather a monster tornado. Making an early trip to the local seat of government, they uncovered information pertaining to an experimental time machine located in Seattle. Making good their escape in the experimental TOTO vehicle, they have made it to the territory of the Southwest Czar. They've survived an encounter with two surreal characters en route Las Vegas. In Vegas they form an alliance with Jefe, the Southwest Czar, to take a short cut to the Emerald City.

"General quarters, general quarters…"

[A pier. The screen shows a warship in profile. An unseen crane is lowering TOTO to the tiny flight deck of the ship. Captain Horatio Frothinghampton, Julius, Peter, Martin, and Zeda are on the pier. Frothy holds a document with thick fold lines in front of himself, and addresses the four.]

Frothy: What kind of a fool's errand is this? "Spec Ops Team", my Neon. White. Ass. You two [nodding at Julius and Peter] have obviously never fired anything heavier than a PowerPoint bullet. Ms. Zeda here could easily beat either one of you. What's that hint of a smile, Julius? Martin is the only one of you worth a fart in a firefight. Sorry Dorothy.

Can I talk you out of bringing the chariot? That car on USS Alinsky has the appeal of a brickload on a greyhound. Orders are orders, but loyalty to country and crew requires I at least ask.

And what's this "Infiltrate Seattle?" You realize that there is a vessel traffic safety system in Puget Sound? They'll have mustered a full-on pipe band to greet the four of you geniuses at the pier.

Forget I said any of that. Czars are Czars. Eternals are Eternals. Other than informing you that this trip is as transparent as a lie on a politician, I've no need or desire to know any of the details.

Ms. Zeda, you'll sleep in the sick bay. Julius, Peter, and Martin, I believe the Executive Officer has you in the Chief's Mess. High tide's in six hours. I request you be aboard, with your last bit of toiletry shopping done, in four, so we can set the Sea and Anchor Detail smoothly. I like it smooth.

"All hands man…"

[A bridge scene in red light, with darken ship set. Martin talks to Frothy, who is seated in his Captain's chair. They have coffee.]

Frothy: How are your compatriots doing?

Martin: Zeda's wishing she'd gone into the Navy instead of hotel management. Julius is winning the quantitative end of the barfing contest. I think Peter still has the edge in distance. Those guys are laid out in the stateroom. Trying to keep them hydrated.

What's it like in the modern Navy, Captain?

Frothy: It's all the same. We swear the same oath we always have. The President has the regional Czars. The Northwest Czar owns the 7th Fleet, since they were retracted from Japan in 2059. I work for the Southwest Czar, of course. 3rd Fleet has been out of San Diego since Noah was a bosun. Each fleet still keeps one aircraft carrier in commission, though parts and funding are hard to come by, and deployments are irregular. Why deploy when the two West Coast carriers have to share an air wing?

The bulk of the Navy is small sea control units like Alinsky. This is about the 4th generation of the Littoral Combat Ship concept. Alinsky, of course, is the best damn ship in the Navy. We've just been in the yards for hull cleaning and refit--she was looking a bit rough when I took command, I'll admit, but she's clean and ready for action.

Martin: How do you call a ship named for a man a 'she'?

Frothy: Why are all German rabbits der hase? One could say it hearkens back to a pre-Obama gender consciousness. One could also say that Saul Alinsky was a bitch. Or, one could just accept that we have these traditions older than the US Constitution, and no amount of political wind-shifting shall alter this cultural glue that holds us together.

Martin: Fair enough. Where are you from?

Frothy: I'm from just outside of Portland, Oregon. I've been sailing these waters all me bloomin' life, and will probably retire to be a ship's pilot around here.

And what of you? You're a veteran of that expedition into Zambiniland at the end of Patrick Daley Obama III's administration 20 years back, no? I presume that's how you got so shot up. That is, if you're inclined to speak of it.

Martin: What's to say? Zambiniland didn't pay their vig. Or their leaders got uppity. Or some Eternal wanted to clear out the territory for a new golf course. Or the arms merchants needed to clear inventory. Or the Pentagon wanted live fire training. Or the Indo-Russian alliance needed taming. Or all of the above. Davos gave the signal. We packed up and deployed. We got there and were mostly bored, with occasional firefights. And severe injuries. Also, lots of civilian casualties.

Frothy: I was an Ensign. We spent the whole conflict anchored at Fernando Poo. This was due to low fuel, and the Zambini Navy, of which exactly no units in their Order of Battle ever got underway. Your analysis is as good as any I've heard, by the way.

Martin: Well, I'm getting some sleep. We're two days out of Seattle?

Frothy: Yes. Around tomorrow midnight we'll be near the mouth of the Straits of Juan de Fuca, or Straits of Wanna Shagya, as they say. We'll take the low-traffic entry at night and aim to be in Seattle in the early morning.

Martin: Great. Thanks.

"…your battle stations."

[Morning. General quarters. The bridge. Frothy, wearing binoculars, bridge-to-bridge handset at the ready, stands at center stage by a pelorus. The helm and lee helm are manned. There is a flashing light both at stage left and right. A quartermaster is at the light at stage right. Everyone is in battle dress. Zeda, Martin, Julius, and Peter are at stage rear, out of the way. Martin and Julius are both hanging from a cable running from left to right across the bridge in the overhead. Their heads hang down in exhaustion.]

Frothy: Belvedere, what is the status?

Commander Belevedere, the Executive Officer (XO): Sir, the USS Ayers, one of our 7th Fleet sister ships, under command of CAPT Jeremy Murdoch, has signaled intent to stop and search us.

Frothy: Screw me gently with a chainsaw. [Keys the bridge-to-bridge radio] Ayers, this is Alinsky: Murdoch, lay by your dish.

[The quartermaster codes furiously on the light. The words scroll up the right half of the screen at stage rear like a chat room transcript.]

Alinsky QM: (WTF?)

Ayers QM: (Murdoch pissed, screams you're smuggling. Frothy won't get by him.)

Frothy: Ahead flank 3.

Helmsman: All ahead flank 3, aye. Port and starboard engines ahead flank 3.

Murdoch B2B: Alinsky, Ayers: Heave to. Steer course 190 at 5 knots. Let's have a cup of coffee.

Frothy: This Murdoch has been an upward-failing loser his entire life, like that degenerate brother of his, Justin. [Keys the B2B, snarling] Ayers, Alinsky: Why don't you tell me what you read in the news today, Plebe? [Puts down the radio] What I'm about to do simply couldn't happen to a bigger jackass.

[The screen at stage rear shows the tracks of the two ships. Ayers comes down from the North, Alinsky up from the South. They pass several hundred yards apart, Alinsky East, closer to shore.]

Frothy: Left full rudder.

Helmsman: Left full rudder, aye. My rudder is left full.

[The stage tilts towards stage left, and Julius and Peter sag and moan. The quartermaster on the flashing light moves laboriously across the stage using the wire to man the other flashing light.]

Ayers QM: (Murd yells, flank 3, we chase. Our XO warns CO to calm down.)

Alinsky QM: (Frothy in yr CO's head.)

Murdoch B2B: Alinsky, Ayers: You're in my waters. I'm within my rights. Don't make this worse than necessary.

Frothy: [Eyeing pelorus] Rudder amidships. Steady course 090.

Helmsman: Rudder amidships, aye. My rudder is amidships. [The stage returns to level.] Steady course 090.

Frothy: [Keys the B2B] Ayers, Alinsky. Plebe, you have neither any idea what you're talking about nor business standing on the bridge of a warship endangering good sailors. Break off pursuit now, and I'll forget the ass you've already made of yourself.

Ayers QM: (Murdoch threw XO off the bridge.)

Alinsky QM: (No f'ing way.)

Ayers QM: (Way)

[The left side of the screen shows the two ships driving at the Oregon shore at high speed.]

Frothy: [Bending over pelorus intently, shooting an angle out in the right side of the audience] Quiet! In about 40 seconds, I will be giving an order for left full rudder, and we'll shoot a narrow gap in a submerged ridge that only a local would know about. Murdoch's crew should be telling him to do a crash back right now and avoid the shoal waters, or not. Stand by…LEFT FULL RUDDER! [The stage again tilts towards stage left, and the quartermaster works his way back to his original position.]

Helmsman: Left full rudder, aye. My rudder is left--.

Frothy: RUDDER AMIDSHIPS! ALL AHEAD ONE THIRD!

Helmsman: Rudderamidshipsaye, myrudderisamidships. Allaheadonethirdaye, allaheadonethird.

Ayers QM: (Aground!)

Frothy: Left standard rudder.

Helmsman: Left standard rudder, aye. My rudder is left 15 degrees, no new course given.

Frothy: Steady as she goes.

Helmsman: Steady as she goes, aye. Steady course 080.

Frothy: Very well. [Keys the B2B] Ayers, Alinsky. Standing by to render assistance. What is your status?

Ayers XO: Sir, Ayers XO here. I have assumed command. Captain Murdoch is down. We are in radio contact with 7th Fleet, they're dispatching a wrecker to assist us getting off of this rock. Respectfully recommend that you lock up your logs and put in to Everett, Washington to await the admiralty hearing, sir. Ayers out.

Ayers QM: (CO struck a lookout. Bosun got up. Laid CO out. CO very still.)

[Another officer, the Chief Engineer, enters from stage rear.]

CHENG: Captain. I'm not sure if a propeller knicked the seamount during the gymnastics, but I've got a hot starboard line shaft bearing, and I recommend we don't go above all ahead one third until I've had time to stop things and inspect it.

Frothy: Very well. XO, you have the deck. Get us moving towards Vancouver, Washington at one third. I have to draft a message to 3rd Fleet explaining what I understand to be the situation, that a 7th Fleet ship is aground, and I have an engineering casualty requiring immediate attention. I also have to call some people in Vancouver to make arrangements.

Next Episode: Vancouver.

Copyright 2009, Christopher L. Smith

I Blame Troglopundit

by Smitty (h/t Grandpa John)

That Automotivator is just too much fun:

Props to LMA for putting up that photo. I could have a go myself, but

1. I don't want to make Dan Riehl sick again, and
2. hairy man-cleavage only works if your name is Jamie Farr

NY23: Don't believe the MSM

The Washington Post must get dizzy from the spin:

In the latest Siena College poll released on Oct. 15, Owens led the field with 33 percent followed by Scozzafava at 29 percent and Hoffman at 23 percent. But, it was Hoffman who had gained the most since an Oct. 1 Siena survey; Hoffman moved up seven points in that time while Owens gained five points and Scozzafava lost five points. (Sources on both sides of the partisan aisle suggest that internal polling shows Scozzafava in third place now.)
Opinions vary on whether Hoffman can rise higher or whether he has reached the limit (or close to it) of his support.
Conventional wisdom suggests that while the North Country seat leans to Republicans in terms of registration -- as of April 2009 there were roughly 46,000 more GOPers than Democrats in the district -- there are simply not enough Republicans to split the base vote between Hoffman and Scozzafava and have either one win. (The district has long been represented by a Republican but President Obama carried it with 52 percent in 2008.)

OK, Chris Cillizza has nearly got it right here, including the belief that Scozzafava could be headed for a third-place finish, which I included in my American Spectator article today. However, the suggestion that Hoffman "has reached the limit" is nuts, as is any assertion that there are "not enough Republicans" in the the district. McHugh, with a 74% ACU rating, got 2-to-1 majorities even in the bad-for-Republican years of 2006-08.

It's a special election! Turnout will be low and a grassroots conservative pro-life candidate like Hoffman has all the advantages in such a contest. Obama's 52 percent in 2008 is irrelevant, because (a) that was before the economy sunk out of sight, (b) Obama's not a candidate in this election, so Owen won't have the magic coattails of Hope, and (b) Obama was running against John McCain, who was a lot more like Scozzafava than Hoffman.

If the voters of NY23 are in a mad-as-hell, pox-on-both-your-houses mood, Hoffman's their guy. Take McHugh's 65% vote in 2008 as a barometer of the basic partisan alignment of the electorate in NY23.

If that vote splits fairly strongly for Hoffman, then the likely outcome will be something on the order of Hoffman 40%, Owen 35% and Scozzafava 25%. But I'm guessing the conservative advantage over the RINOs in terms of "ground game" -- elitist pro-choice Republicans can't match the pro-life Catholic grandmas in terms of walking precincts and manning phone banks -- will make the margin even wider.

Should Scozzafava finish under 20% (and she easily could), then you could see Hoffman get 45% or more -- a solid plurality. Were I a gambling man, I'd definitely bet this one Hoffman to win, Owens to place and Scozzafava to show.

NY23: 'Dump Dede' PLUS: UPDATE on my New York trip

That's the name of Dana Loesch's new blog in the crucial Nov. 3 New York special congressional election:

Republicans in New York’s 23rd District have chosen to nominate and support an ACORN-backed, Working Families Party-endorsed liberal over conservative candidate Doug Hoffman. Newt Gingrich called this shift to the left the "new revolution." It's not the new revolution: it's political death. . . .

Read more at Dump Dede. You can e-mail tips to Dana Loesch, who's pretty sharp -- already linking my exclusive about the Hoffman campaign's concern about ACORN-connected vote fraud.

BTW, I want to thank my good friend Nathan for the big hit on the tip jar, and there are many more of you who are deserving of thanks. Once I find a reliable blog intern to help me, I promise to catch up on all my thank-you notes. In the meantime consider this little shout-out my acknowledgement for your support. When you pray for an angel, sometimes God gives you "angels unawares."

Right now, I'm on deadline for a Wednesday column about the NY-23 special election. Dick Armey's going to be campaigning for Hoffman on Thursday. So I plan to leave either late Wednesday or early Thursday to cover it in person. Your continued generosity to the Shoe Leather Fund is necessary to this effort.

It's 400 miles -- about a 6-hour drive -- from my house to Watertown, N.Y., near the western end of NY23. Figuring cost at 20 cents per mile:

• A donation of $10 will take me 50 miles.
• A donation of $40 will take me 200 miles.
• $80 will take me all the way to Watertown.

It's another 160 miles from Watertown to Plattsburgh, N.Y., near the Vermont border at the eastern end of the district. At 20 cents per mile:

• A donation of $16 will get me halfway there.
• $32 will take me all the way to Plattsburgh.
• For an extra $4.60, I can add a 23-mile detour to Ogdensburg, N.Y., walk to the Canadian border and urinate on the other side. Just sayin' . . .

So, if I also stop to relieve myself on Canadian soil on the return trip -- and doesn't Neil Young deserve it? -- that's a round trip of 1,166 miles x .20 = $233.20 all the way. If you figure I'll probably get lost a couple of times during the trip and meander around the countryside a bit, add another 84 miles x .20 = $16.80 -- $250 total for travel.

For reasons that I'm not at liberty to discuss -- protecting my sources and making sure I'm not scooped by rivals -- my plan is to depart at 11 a.m. Wednesday and make a trip to an undisclosed location near D.C. for an important meeting. That's a 70-mile detour, so give me $14 for that.

If you'll include your phone number on the tip-jar Pay Pal form, I'll try to give you a phone call and might let you talk to "one highly placed source" when I stop north of Syracuse, N.Y. -- near Exit 29 off I-81 -- for an important meeting Wednesday evening.

You see, dear readers, I've eliminated the middleman. It's me and you. I've made a phone call or two to those of y'all who gave me money for the Kentucky trip, And, as always, there are expenses in addition to travel:

• $145 gets me Wednesday night at a Hampton Inn near Syracuse, N.Y.
• $155 gets me Thursday night at a Hampton Inn near Plattsburgh, N.Y. (I always prefer Hampton Inn, but if you want me to stay in a sleazy cheapo motel, look up the rate, hit the tip jar for that amount, and add another $15 for lice shampoo.)
• Two packs of cigarettes ($5 each x 2 = $10) per day for three days = $30
• Six cups of coffee per day at $2 per cup for three days = $36
• Two fast-food cheesburger combos per day at $5 each for three days = $30
• $20 "accidentally" handed with my license to state trooper who clocks me at 92 mph on U.S. 11 east of Pottsdam, N.Y.
• $10 tip for waitress to seat me next to Scozzafava campaign staff in restaurant.
• $8 per vodka-and-cranberry cocktail (x 3 =$24) for naive Scozzafava press aide amused by drawling charm of funny guy at next table, inadvertantly revealing scandalous inside information . . .

You get the idea. A reporter must be prepared to take advantage of every opportunity and a ready supply of cash -- $5, $10, $20 -- is necessary to the job.

Memo to the Grassroots: Stop Asking What You Can Do and Start Doing What You Can

Tucker Carlson's had six months to launch a news Web site -- still MIA -- and I've had scoop after scoop after scoop doing it low-budget from the Shoe Leather Fund. Plus delightful fun with Meghan McCain and other ridiculous boobs. The daily entertainment value alone ought to be worth a buck or two, so hit the freaking tip jar. (What Would Jimmie Bise Do?)

Deadline looms, and I'm waiting on calls, so come back and stay tuned for more exclusive gonzo coverage of the NY23 special election. When the going gets weird, the weird . . . go to Cicero, N.Y.?

VIDEO: Jeri Thompson talks about NY23 and Hoffman on Neal Cavuto show

(Via DOUG HOFFMAN CAMPAIGN SITE.)

NY23 EXCLUSIVE: Hoffman asks Obama for Justice monitors to prevent vote fraud

2:45 p.m. ET BREAKING: The campaign of Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman is preparing to request that President Obama send monitors from the Justice Department to prevent vote-fraud efforts in the crucial Nov. 3 special election in upstate New York's 23rd district.

UPDATE 2:55 p.m. ET: Concerns about the potential for vote fraud in NY23 were sparked by revelations of forged ballots in Troy, N.Y. A press statement from the Hoffman campaign is expected within minutes.

UPDATE 3:10 p.m. ET: Meanwhile, reacting to news that police were called when a reporter tried to ask questions of a liberal candidate backed by the national GOP, Hoffman campaign spokesman Rob Ryan said in a telephone interview:

"The only thing the police need to investigate in this race is if Dede Scozzafava is impersonating a Republican."

UPDATE 3:25 p.m. ET: Press release from Hoffman campaign HQ:

HOFFMAN:DO THE RIGHT THING
President should defund ACORN and send DOJ monitors to 23rd CD

Doug Hoffman, the conservative Republican for Congress (NY-23), today called on his Democratic opponent, Bill Owens, to request that President Obama "take immediate action to defund ACORN" and place Justice Department monitors in the district to prevent the Working Families Party from stealing this election. Owens is in New York City today to attend a fundraiser thrown on his behalf and featuring President Obama.
Doug Hoffman said: "Today, I am calling on Bill Owens to do the right thing and, when he is with President Obama tonight; ask him to take immediate action to defund ACORN and block the flow of any and all federal funds to the scandal ridden organization and its numerous subsidiaries. In addition, Bill Owens should request that Justice Department monitors be put in place to insure that ACORN's political arm in New York State, the Working Families Party, does not steal this election. In Troy, New York, just South of the 23rd Congressional District, a special prosecutor is currently investigating the forgery of absentee ballots in September's Primary elections and the Working Families Party is the focus of that investigation. Its common knowledge that ACORN and the Working Families Party have absolutely no respect for the law and I know I am the one candidate they want to defeat."
Both Bill Owens and Dede Scozzafava have strong connections with the Working Families Party. Assemblywoman Scozzafava was on their line last November, sharing the ballot with then candidate Barak Obama, and Bill Owens is leading their ticket this November. Since 2002, Scozzafava’s husband Ron McDougall has made over 60 donations to the Working Families Party.

UPDATE 3:45 p.m.: Obama will not speak, but will appear at NYC fundraiser for NY23 Democrat Owens:

President Obama is attending a fundraiser for Democrat Bill Owens this afternoon in New York City, but he will not be speaking, the White House press office clarified today.

UPDATE 4:25 p.m.: Pamela Geller at Atlas Shrugs, Jim Hoft of Gateway Pundit and Moe Lane of Red State have commentary on N.Y. vote-fraud case involving ACORN-connected Working Families Party. More at Memeorandum.

VIDEO: Jeri Thompson promotes Hoffman campaign on Fox News Neal Cavuto show.

MORE COVERAGE OF NY23 HERE

Czar d'Oz Episode V: Vegas

by Smitty



Start with the Czar d'Oz Announcement

Synopsis: In the year 2112, the characters retreated to a basement shelter to weather a monster tornado. Making an early trip to the local seat of government, they uncovered information pertaining to an experimental time machine located in Seattle. Making good their escape in the experimental TOTO vehicle, they have made it to the territory of the Southwest Czar. They've survived an encounter with two surreal characters en route Las Vegas.


"Look, they're lying."

[In the office of the Assistant Dean for Advanced Progressive Liberal Diversity Studies at UNLV. A desk, a bored secretary at stage center right, with Julius, Zeda, Martin and Peter at stage right. A wall divides the stage in two, with Assistant Dean Wentworth in a chair, picking his nose.]

Julius: Hello, I'm Julius Crowe, from Patrick Daley Obama University in Topeka. I'm wondering if Dean Wentworth has a moment to spare?

Secretary: [Nasal voice] I'm afraid he's occupied.

Julius: I should mention that I'm an article referee for the Journal of Hope and Change, and I have some questions for Dean Wentworth regarding a special issue we're preparing to support the election this Fall.

Secretary: [Nasal voice] I'm afraid he's digging in deep on his current task.

Julius: [Sighing] Oh, and another topic at hand is a research grant proposal from the Flyover Czar to inquire about the "Effects of the Crash of 2047 on the Racial Fairness of Gaming Rights in Southern Nevada," emphasizing of course the terrible plight of the several hundred Uighur poker dealers who migrated to Topeka.

Secretary: [Nasal voice] Oh, well, let me see if he has a moment, then. [Addressing an intercom] Dean Wentworth, sorry to bother you, but a Julius Crowe is here to see you.

"How, exactly…"

[Julius enters the office at stage left, leaving the other three with the secretary.]

Julius: Zoggie, old boy: your secretary is new and rather difficult to get 'round.

Wentworth: Oh, well, you know how it has gone. Working diligently to expand the field. The problematic nature of the cultivation of understanding amongst these Eternals, and worse still, the Czars. The academy is so little respected! Would you care for some tea, old chap?

Julius: I'm afraid I left some fellow-travelers to the mercy of your secretary. There has been a bit of a road trip, as a result of the recent weather in flyover country, you see.

Wentworth: Oh, dear. I'm afraid I haven't got any convenient visiting professorships to offer, though, come to think of it, the Inter-species Mating Rights and Habits Studies may have a…heh…opening. Sorry.

Julius: Well, I wasn't really out for a job so much as a bit of parking and some directions to where the Southwest Czar might be found.

Wentworth: Is that all? How am I to place you eternally in my debt if you don't take any liberties? I still owe you deeply for saving my skin back during the--

Julius: I'll hear no more of that talk. Though, if there is a visiting professor bungalow I could mooch for a day or two, as a base of operations.

Wentworth: Sure. Here are the keys. The address is…

"…I'm not sure."

[In the Great Hall of Czar's Palace, the casino floor has been emptied and replaced with a vast garden of plants that grow tall from halogen lighting. A dais is at stage left, with a few craps tables in front of it. Then the garden begins. Peter, Zeda, Martin, and Julius enter at stage right and advance, looking around, toward the dais. Czar Carlos ("Jefe") Schwarzenegger IV sits on a throne in a Miami Vice suit.]

Peter: Greetings, Czar Schwarzenegger!

Jefe: Please, call me Jefe. Formality is crap.

Peter: Fair enough. We're come from the territory of the Flyover Czar, as a result of the wreckage of that tornado, as you know. When it became obvious that other players in Topeka were going to have the upper hand on us, we thought we could add the most value to the country and our own well-being if we found somebody who could appreciate something possibly helpful.

Jefe: Go on.

Peter: As it turns out, there was a son of Czar d'Oz exiled to Topeka. The damage to his office uncovered certain information that, played properly at the New Chicago Vortex, cold hurt both the Flyover Czar and Czar d'Oz, conveniently in time for the election in November.
We request your aid in travelling to Seattle, were we might link up with the Environmental Czar, Phelandria Garofalo-Maddow, the infamous "Phlegm", to start a disinformation campaign that will weaken both of them, thereby strengthening you.

Jefe: No, I will not ally with any Eternals 'reproducing' by unspeakable means. But some aspects of your idea do not suck completely. The story that will accidentally leak is that you're travelling up I-5 to sneak into Seattle and discredit old d'Oz. You're disguised, albeit ineptly as union muscle sent to Southern Oregon to help with the election.

Meanwhile, you and your fellows get down to San Diego, where one of my 3rd Fleet ships will take you and your gear for a ride up the coast. That will save you time and hassle. Who would be good for this job? Oh, Captain Horatio Frothinghampton on USS Alinsky will likely be just the man and ship for the job. When you get to Seattle, I'll need to have you track down a certain Barry Cuda at a bar called the Mohican in Pioneer Square, who will help you get in touch with the Pacific Rim Czar. PRC is far more sympathetic to my cause than Phlegm.

Come back here tomorrow at nine o'clock for the orders to take with you. None of this is handled electronically, you understand? The wires cause fires.

Peter: We are in your debt, Jefe.

"This entire plan…"

[The four leave. An aide comes to the dais.]

Jefe: Look, they're lying. How, exactly, I'm not sure. This entire plan is bollocks. But it's low-risk, high-gain bollocks. If they survive the journey, i.e. if Frothinghampton doesn't find them out and give them a swimming lesson, then we'll see if "Barry Cuda" Kleindrubble can use them. Or PRC.

Aide: Very good, Jefe.

Next Episode: Sandog.

Copyright 2009, Christopher L. Smith

Reply to Barrett Brown

The communication director of the Godless Coaltion sent an e-mail last night, taunting me about the allegatiions made against me by himself, Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs and others. I replied:

A rare occasion, Mr. Brown, when any of those who've chosen to attack me even bother attempting to contact me. Of course, no one ever contacts me in advance: "Hey, did you actually write X, Y, Z? If so, why? What did you mean? What are your opinions about these things?" Instead, they leap to assumptions (if it's on the Internet, it must be true) and the fact that certain things have been endlessly repeated online leads to the assumption that these things are true.
How often, since Charles Johnson began attacking me, have I emphasized that, during the years I was at the Washington Times, I was not permitted to address these allegations? And how often have I remarked that "white supremacy" is quite contrary to my observed conduct among those who actually know me?
You are, I gather, a young man, and quite arrogant. Not an unusual combination, really, but neither should you mistake your own arrogance for knowledge. Try Googling my name in combination with the phrase "Hayekian insight." There are in the near-infinite number of things you don't know certain facts that may, I suspect, be far more important than those tacts you know. And it may be that you are mistaken about some things you accept as facts.
Well, I've had more time to study all this sort of thing than you could imagine. You desire to make me look like a villain, for whatever selfish motive, and therefore assemble a prosecutor's case -- the Ransom Note Method. This you present with a lot of noise and clamour: "A-ha! I have exposed the dangerous villain, whose stealthy evil had never been fully known until now!"
Now, what is *expected* of me in response is that I will address your "evidence" point-by-point or, failing that, that I will Deny, Denounce and Repudiate: "Oh, I'm not actually friends with Person A, and I abhor the thought of being associated with Person B."
Ah, but there is never an end to it, you see? Were I to answer charges A, B, C, you would then proceed to interrogate me about D, E, F, etc. To address your accusations in such a manner would ultimately avail me nothing, while tacitly acknowledging your authority to act the part of the interrogator. Further, such a response would ssuggest that there is some legitimate cause to suspect my good faith, to cause others to believe that perhaps I harbor a hidden hatred which must be rooted out and renounced. You invite me to a Maoist re-education camp, with yourself playing the role of commissar. The cloud of suspicion is thrown upoin me, and I must prove myself innocent!
Except that I don't. We live in a free society and I am not even a candidate for public office. I am not paid for having the correct opinion about anything. Opinions might be profitable to Bill Kristol or George Will, but I am not one of those big-shot pundits. It is my skill and hard work, and not my opinions, which are my stock in trade.
What you and Johnson and others apparently wish to do is to cast upon me a stigma, which you may then use as part of a campaign of guilt-by-association smear against various of my friends. You seem to assume that my friends are fools and cowards, and will automatically disassociate themselves from me, lest you then say, "A-ha! So-and-so associates with Robert Stacy McCain, who is a hateful racist!"
Except that I'm not a hateful racist. And this, sir, is the big point that you seem to have missed entirely. People know me, and the people who know me know that I have no hate in my heart, and if they felt it necessary to speak up on my behalf, you might be surprised at who would sing my praises. Their silence you mistake for fear, is rather an expression of their contempt for your malicious behavior.
Whatever you say about me, I am certain you will fail to convict me of hate, Barrett. I don't even hate you.

Best regards,
--Robert Stacy McCain
Co-author (with Lynn Vincent) of DONKEY CONS: Sex, Crime & Corruption in the Democratic Party

Strange to say, writing that e-mail cheered me up. I had been feeling kind of down in the dumps, but there is nothing like teaching a seminar to cheer me up. Pay attention, class. This might be on your final exam.

John McCormack: Hunting the RINO

They called the cops on the Weekly Standard reporter when he got too aggressive with Dede Scozzafava.

Sigh. Wish somebody would pay me to go to upstate New York to cover the 23rd District contest. But they won't. They gave all their money to Tucker Carlson.

Government-funded expert warns of 'resurgence in right-wing extremism'

"We are in the middle of a resurgence in right-wing extremist criminal activity that really started following Ruby Ridge and Waco," said Mark Pitcavage, director of the Ohio-based SLATT (State/Local Anti-Terrorism Training) Program. The program, for law enforcement agencies, is conducted in conjunction with the U.S. Justice Department and the non-profit Institute for Intergovernmental Relations.
"It shows no sign of letting up at this point," said Pitcavage, who earned a doctorate from Ohio State University as one of the few expert scholars in right-wing extremism.
-- Seattle Post Intelligencer, Aug. 12, 1999

Oh, the dangerous right-wing menace, about which the federally-funded Dr. Pitcavage warned us 10 years ago -- which happened to be two years before Mohamed Atta and friends struck on Sept. 11, 2001.

Janet Reno's "anti-terrorism" effort was misdirected at the wrong threat. Thought about that lately?

Neither had I, until last night. It's a long story, as I've said many times before.

Oh, the joys of Internet anonymity!

Kind of weird how I finish dealing with one troll, turn around and encounter even more. It's very difficult to "consider the source" when you've got no idea who the source is.

Whatever. Some fanatically diligent character has decided to do the Ransom Note Method on me, using the familiar recycled chaff-cloud hodgepodge of This, That and the Other.

Suggestion: Stop the obsessive Googling, and try Nexis-Lexis. Every byline I ever contributed to The Washington Times -- and there were hundreds over the course of a decade -- is available via Nexis-Lexis. There may be stuff you like or don't like, but at least you'll be dealing with authentic materials.

At least the pseudonymous Ransom Noter was using his own bandwidth, rather than trying to smear me in the comments of my own site. That crap gets old, especially when its done at the behest of LGF's totalitarian dictator, who bans anybody who downdings Sharmuta.

ObamaCare Efficiency Studies

Smitty (h/t Moonbattery)

And if all y'all bi-zatches don't quit yer bitchin', we'll put a wrecker on the front of this train. In the name of streamlining the system, of course.

To the Anonymous Palin-Hater

Listen, pal: The comments here are moderated.

When I see three consecutive anti-Palin comments, written in the same dumbed-down cornball style, all of them by "anonymous," and two of them praising Mitt Romney . . .

Well, why is Romney hiring brain-damaged trolls?

Is this some kind of equal-opportunity thing? "Governor Romney believes in fairness! Look, he hires the mentally impaired . . . to work in our New Media department!"

Anyway, you get an "E" for effort. Now get on the short bus and go back to whatever Republican Campaign Operative Training School sent you here to annoy me.

Rule 5 Special: ZZ Tops Oba Mao

by Smitty

Michelle Malkin has a clip of some Beijing shop hawking Oba Mao t-shirts.

The concept of a girl in a t-shirt is nothing new. It has been thoroughly explored by noted Rule 5 experts, facial hair cultivators, and old-school American badasses ZZ Top. Here is a brace of "Girl in a T-Shirt" clips for your consideration:

Because you just can't get too much overkill:

Sorry, Michelle. It's my duty.

Update: Rule 5 Sunday would like to extend a mea boob-boo to The Daley Gator, whose Rule 5 Sunday submission, while not exactly a girl in a t-shirt, still merits your attention.

NY23: Another Hoffman Miracle!

First, he got $40 out of the World's Cheapest Conservative, and now Conservative Party candidate achieves the impossible again. Hot Air world exclusive:

Not surprisingly, the CFG ad invokes the specter of Madam Speaker as a chief reason not to vote for Scozzafava. King’s not blowing smoke, though: As noted in Saturday’s post, Scozzafava led until Hoffman started surging, and now the Democrat’s up by a few points as GOP voters split between the two of them. Exit question via Stacy McCain: Why hasn’t Sarahcuda endorsed Hoffman yet? Doing so would irritate and potentially alienate the national leadership, but if she’s serious about fashioning herself as the “true conservative” outsider, here’s a golden opportunity. Maybe she figures it’s too much of a gamble for too little gain? If she shows up to stump for Hoffman and he loses, it’s a blow to her prestige. She’s probably just playing it safe.

That's right: ALLAHPUNDIT LINKED ME! Brothers and sisters, this is a sign!

Long months of uninterrupted non-linkage (Allah Hates Me, Because I Suck) have been ended in one fell swoop by the miraculous power of Hoffmania.

Clearly, this man is destined for victory, and I'm going to New York to cover this historic election! Hit my tip jar, people, and start spreading the news . . .

Yeah, I know, it's upstate New York, but it's the thought that counts. Hit the freaking tip jar!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE NY23 COVERAGE!

VIDEO: Club for Growth Ad Calls Hoffman 'Common Sense Choice' in NY23

New TV ad airing in the three-way Nov. 3 special election:

(Via Memeorandum.) Dude, this is brutal!

"Tired of choosing between two liberals for Congress? There is a better choice. . . . Hoffman opposes government-run health care. He knows jobs are created by lower taxes and less spending, not bigger government. Doug Hoffman: The common sense choice to stand up to the Pelosi Congress."

Oh, that's gonna leave a mark on that worthless RINO, Dede Scozzafava. Remember, this is Club for Growth PAC, not the Hoffman campaign. Doug Hoffman still needs your help!

UPDATE: More news on the crucial special election in upstate New York from The Hill:

[T]he NRCC has spent $567,000 on Scozzafava's behalf, and the DCCC has spent $387,000 on Owens's behalf.
Also in recent days, SEIU has gone up with a $100,000 radio ad buy for Owens -- its first investment in the race.

NRCC spending Republican money on RINO Dede, the DCCC and SEIU spending money on Democrat Owens, what are you spending your money on?

Memo to the Grassroots:
Stop Asking What You Can Do,
and Start Doing What You Can

UPDATE II: My old buddy Brian Faughnan calls attention to a story about how RINO Dede is trying to hide her record from voters. The Watertown (N.Y.) Daily Times:

one of her biggest campaign contributors during her decade in the state Assembly -- the organization of gay and lesbian Republicans called the Log Cabin Republicans -- is notably absent from her press releases, despite the group's enthusiastic support for her to fill the congressional seat vacated by former Rep. John M. McHugh, R-Pierrepont Manor.
That Ms. Scozzafava would not highlight her alliance with gay rights advocates is no surprise, given the conservative backlash she has faced in the three-way race and the campaign cash she needs from national Republican sources. Her spokesman, Matthew A. Burns, replied with just five words when asked to elaborate on her views about gay marriage: "Her position is well documented."
Translation: she voted twice in the Assembly to allow gay marriage, in 2007 and this year.

Classic RINO move: Dede Scozzafava is ashamed of being in favor of gay marriage! Wonder what proud conservative lesbian Cynthia Yockey will have to say about that?

Thanks Brian for this news tip, and I hope everybody who's following me on Twitter will also follow Brian Faughnan -- he's my kind of conservative!

UPDATE III: Dick Armey confirms to Red State that he will campaign this week for Hoffman in NY23.

I had reported this news from the Hoffman campaign Friday, but when Dick Armey wants to confirm this, he doesn't call me, he calls Red State, and I don't even get credit for being first to report it. Why? Blame Erik Telford! (One of these days, I'm going to have to explain that joke. But no time now. Why don't I have time to explain? Blame Erik Telford -- everything is his fault!)

Michael Calderone asks a good question

And gets an interesting non-answer from the new management of my former employer:

Brett Decker, the managing editor of the [Washington Times] editorial and opinion pages, has been fulfilling [editorial page editor Richard] Miniter's duties the past few months, said staffers.
When reached for comment, Decker did not discuss Miniter, but commented more broadly about the opinion pages in a statement to POLITICO:
"The Washington Times has been putting a new Opinion team in place incrementally this year," Decker wrote. "We're plugging different people into different slots to see what works best. That process is still ongoing as we fine-tune our lineup."

Miniter was at the The American Spectator's Pig Roast three weeks ago, enjoying some fine Virginia whiskey and a Dominican cigar, but the one thing we did not discuss was his job at the Times. Richard reportedly had a heart attack shortly after he took that job, and I don't envy him. I've often remarked that if I ever told the story of my 10 years at the paper, the title of the book would be I've Served My Time in Hell.

The Washington Times is arguably one of the world's most important newspapers, and during Wes Pruden's tenure as editor-in-chief, there were times when there wasn't really much argument about it. The job of the Times, as Mr. Pruden conceived it, was to cover the stories that the liberal media tried to ignore -- and to cover those stories with such accuracy and relentlessness that the liberal media was forced to pay attention.

To work for Wes Pruden was not always an easy job, but it was a job to be proud of -- kind of like playing football for Bear Bryant. Even if you cussed the Old Man sometimes, when all was said and done, there was a genuine pride in being part of his team.

Since they changed editors in January 2008, the Times has gone through what 'Bama fans might call their "Ray Perkins Era" and, if you believe some of the gossip, it's sometimes gotten perilously close to the Bill Curry brick-through-the-window stage. But I never burn my sources, so I'll invoke my Miranda rights here.

Brett Decker's got a very impressive resume -- he once worked for Bob Novak, that "Unpatriotic Conservative" == so I reckon he knows his stuff. With no effort at all, I could name a dozen people who'd be qualified to run that editorial page (hello, Jed Babbin), and another three dozen who think they'd be qualified (hello, Tucker Carlson).

It's a coveted and prestigious job, and plenty of people would crawl half a mile through broken glass to get it (which may explain whatever problems Richard Miniter has experienced in the job). So we'll see what happens "incrementally."

Perhaps Decker will consult Mr. Pruden, who's still a regular columnist with the title of editor emeritus. Maybe the managing editor of Human Events could offer some useful personnel advice. Or ask Scott Rasmussen who he'd recommend for the job. Just sayin' . . .

(Via Memeorandum.)

Czar d'Oz Episode IV: Porch

by Smitty



Start with the Czar d'Oz Announcement

Synopsis: In the year 2112, the characters retreated to a basement shelter to weather a monster tornado. Making an early trip to the local seat of government, they uncovered information pertaining to an experimental time machine located in Seattle. Making good their escape in the experimental TOTO vehicle, they have made it to the territory of the Southwest Czar.

"I have some people…"

[A porch at stage left with two men sitting in chairs on it. A Colorado flag flies by the porch, along with a ObamaUS flag, bearing BHO's face and the usual red and white stripes. There is a sound of a car door slamming offstage. Zeda, Martin, Julius and Peter walk onstage.]

Stacy: Are you guys from the Post Office? Did you bring the O-Dough?

Zeda: Are you Brutals running a bakery?

Smitty: That's pretty funny, but no. By the way, I'm Smitty, and that is Stacy.

Peter: Then just what are you two doing here, if I may be so inquisitive?

Stacy: Waiting for the big bailout. The Obama Administration has promised to fix all woes, to tissue all tears, and to line all wallets with frogskins. While there have been delays, we patiently await the reward for our patience.

Julius: Just how long have you been waiting?

Smitty: We're what? The second or third generation?

Stacy: I don't know. Who cares? We've just been waiting all this time.

Peter: Who is President now?

Smitty: An Obama, like always. Peace be upon him.

Peter: Which Obama?

Smitty: Barack Obama.

Peter: Which? There has been Barack Hussein Obama, Barack Hussein Obama II from 2057 to 2065, and we're under the second administration of Barack Soros Obama in the year 2112, or year 104 of the Era of Hope, if you're one of those.

Stacy: We knew all that.

Julius: And do you know that Washington DC ceased to be the capital at the Tri-Centennial? And did you know that the shift to the New Chicago Vortex was a complete joke, since the de facto capitol of the US, and also the world, has been the Davos, Switzerland Vortex since 2074?
Smitty: I was led to believe there would be no history lesson connected with your visit. I just want my O-Dough.

Peter: This is the point: there IS NO O-Dough. The currency is WorldThalers, but a Brutal like you won't get any of them.

"….at UNLV…"

Stacy: How dare you, sir! Why not?

Peter: It's all patronage these days. If you want to get anywhere in life, you have to find your local Eternal and convince them that you have something to offer. You might get hired, but, more likely, you'll be given something menial to do. You offspring, should any woman be so desperate, might have a chance of promotion to Eternal, if you hang around the Vortex long enough.

Smitty: But the health care? The bailouts? The O-Dough? The environmental justice? The end to racism?

Martin: You can get some of that in the military. The Service is going to have to spend some time getting you two right in the head first.

Stacy: How can you call us wrong? Promises were made. Understandings shared. Assurances proffered. Our rights are at stake here.

Zeda: The only promise that was kept was that the wealth would be re-distributed. And it has been. Across the whole flipping world. The Vortex concentrated power. Elected officials became the Eternals. The elite among the Eternals are the Czars. The rest of us "little people" are Brutals, enslaved to feeding the machine.

The Constitution is fetished like something pornographic. The speeches and writings of Barack Hussein Obama are consulted like legal opinions by the so-called judges.

Oh, they went on and on about more "rights". Those could be summarized as the right to be treated like little children regardless of age. And they took liberty in the name of providing those "rights", the swine. And sovereignty from our country. And money from our wallets. And, in the case of you two, the brains out of your heads. Just how old are you clowns?

Smitty: Oh, we're both North of 50.

Julius: Oh, really? Well, you're encouraged to remain healthy then. ObamaLife starts to taper off past three-score for Brutals. Like we said, it's not likely that you guys can do much down at your local Vortex to get in good with the Eternals. Now, if you're related, and have enough tissue similarities, they may let you swap parts, to keep each other going.

Stacy: Yeah, we're brothers.

Smitty: Are you sure?

Stacy: That's what my father said.

Smitty: That's not what my father said.

Zeda: This is getting creepy.

"… that owe me a favor."

Peter: *Ahem*. Do you know the Southwest Czar, by the way?

Stacy: He was by, was it four years ago, five?

Smitty: It wasn't the Southwest Czar proper, mind you: it was one of his captains gone rogue.

Stacy: Rogue? He sure had a fancy uniform and all.

Smitty: Face it, Stacy: he had run up a tab he couldn't pay, and killed a man at the Czar's Palace down in Las Vegas. He was fleeing. He only put on them airs so we'd stash him under the porch when the rest of the Czar's troops came by.

Stacy: Well, that explains much. I couldn't understand why an officer in the Czar's service would want to be so secretive about it. And the O-Dough he gave us to hide him sure wasn't much.

Peter: That's an interesting idea, seeing the Southwest Czar. I know some staffers there. We could perhaps gain some intelligence about Czar d'Oz, if we play it right.

Martin: We could also find ourselves vanishing mysteriously. TOTO taken. Our quest cancelled. Our bodies ventilated. I'm against the idea. Wait. Stacy, Smitty: what was the name of the guy you stashed under the porch?

Stacy: Raina Petkoff?

Smitty: That was his alias. When he was giving us the WorldThalers, his identification fell from his pocket. I picked it up to give to him and saw that his name was Jacob Kleindrubble.

Martin: Thanks.

Julius: Now, I have some people at UNLV that owe me a favor. Let's swing by, hide the car, and do some scouting.

Zeda: A real hotel room and some shopping would also be appreciated. Stacy; Smitty: do either of you have plans?

Stacy: Why yes. Yes, we do. We're waiting for O-Dough. Our investment in waiting is too big to fail.

Next Episode: V. Vegas

Copyright 2009, Christopher L. Smith

Tucker Carlson's Daily Caller: MIA?

On May 26, Tucker Carlson of Fox News was front and center at the Heritage Foundation's weekly blogger luncheon, and began his presentation this way:

"I'm grateful to be here and I know a lot of you are already signed up to contribute, and I appreciate that. I know some of you have already come over and played poker or sampled our open bar, and I appreciate that, too. More where that came from.
"I'm editing a site called the DailyCaller.com, which ought to be up in about three weeks . . ."

"In about three weeks." Nearly six months have gone by and, whatever the status of the poker games and open bar, as of 7 a.m. ET, DailyCaller.com was still "coming soon."

While the site the Carlson was hired to edit has gone through the longest three weeks of development in the history of the Internet, Andrew Breitbart's Big Government last month had one of the most smashing debuts in the history of Internet news. More from Carlson's May 26 spiel:

"We are a general interest, which is to say, large, newspaper-type format site. Roughly along the lines of the Huffington Post . . ."

Breitbart himself designed the Huffington Post. Breitbart and Carlson are friends. I have no idea of what, if any, involvement Breitbart has had with the DailyCaller.com, but surely I'm not the only news professional puzzled that it would take six months to design and launch an Internet news site -- especially one which was announced with such fanfare.

Given that Carlson said six months ago that many of the attendees at the Heritage blogger luncheon were already signed up as contributors, they've got to be wondering just what it is they've signed up for. What has the DailyCaller.com got so far? Well, there's a Facebook page with some 600 "fans" and this description:

The Daily Caller will be a comprehensive news site, providing original reporting, constantly updated links to the latest news, analysis of current events, satire, research on current policy issues, columns from thought leaders, and Congressional Member reviews.

What does something like that cost? And why is it taking so long to develop? Who knows?

A couple of weeks ago, right before I left for Kentucky to cover the investigation into the death of Census worker Bill Sparkman -- a trip funded by tip-jar contributions from readers -- I found myself on the phone with blog-buddy Jimmie Bise. In the course of a 20-minute conversation, Jimmie laid out a simple scenario for building an online news operation on a shoestring budget. Jimmie summarized a lot of that conversation in a blog post a month ago:

Charlie Crist, who will be a continual thorn in conservatives’ sides if he’s elected to the Senate, raised $4.3 million in just one quarter this year. That much money could fund a good conservative news site for at least five years, if not more like eight. Do you know how much good reporting we could get with a budget of just $500,000 a year?

As Jimmie explained, there are plenty of good reporters who'd work for $70,000 a year. Four full-timers could be had for $250,000 or so, ranging the salaries from $40K for the junior staffer/trainee/clerk and then up: $60K, $70K, $80K for the top editor. Throw in another $100,000 for insurance, benefits, legal fees, etc., and you've still got $150,000 for promotion, advertising, travel, payments to freelancers, etc.

Development, design, launch? Jimmie's got WordPress know-how, I've got design, layout and editing experience. In terms of promotional hype, do you have any idea how much $10,000 will buy from BlogAd.coms? A freaking buttload, my friend.

Well, for all we know, DailyCaller.com will go live at 9 a.m., become a massive overnight sensation, and soon leave Matt Drudge, the HuffPo and the Associated Press trailing in their wake, as Carlson & Co. revolutionize news as we know it.

Or maybe not. Maybe the poker games, the open bar and the Facebook page are all we'll ever see. Maybe the DailyCaller's investors have already taken a look at the Beta format prototype and yanked their money out.

Who knows? But if and when the long-promised "large, newspaper-type format site" finally appears, I'll remind Carlson of the advice I offered the day after his big Heritage spiel: It had better not suck.

Oh, and NTCNews has an A.M. Market Update this morning. Seems the real-estate market's looking kind of squirrelly. Homelessness, Wall Street shenanigans, clueless regulators -- welcome to Great Depression II, according to one analyst.

But what do I know? Nobody ever gave me the start-up capital to throw poker parties with an open bar . . .

NY23 UPDATE: It's a miracle!

Like a sign from God -- In Hoc Signo Vinces -- the impossible has happened for the Doug Hoffman campaign.

Even I was astonished to learn that the campaign has received an online contribution from The World's Cheapest Conservative. Read the whole thing! And here's a video of Hoffman at the Saturday opening of his Watertown, N.Y., campaign office:

The Quotable Larry Johnson

by Smitty

Larry Johnson calculates that the sizable bump the bus just traversed was formerly known as Afghanistan:

After this impending debacle I never want to hear another American disparage the French as "surrender monkeys." Why? Because we are on our way to becoming the simpering simian we love to diss.

Since the POTUS was just unveiled in a rather divine way we're now approaching the point where dissent remains patriotic, and all widerspruch is blasphemy.

LGF: Latest BWAAAHAHAHA Update

An anonymous reader comments:

LGF Traffic Report: 72% = ex-LGF'ers watching the train wreck , 18% = Leftists watching to see if it's all real, 5% = Amazon shoppers looking for a refund, 5% = photography nuts looking for still shots of the Pacific Ocean.

Folks, I hate to keep going back to this bottomless well of 100% pure guano crazy, but we are witnessing a truly world-historical online self-immolation. Not since the Hindenburg-at-Lakehurst implosion of Culture 11 has the blogsphere seen anything like this.

BTW, this was headlined Friday, but good work deserves more attention. William Teach at Pirate's Cove made a special request for a cartoon from TFMo at Christmas Ghost, and if you'll click the image below you can see the whole thing:

(IDs of the Baby Bloggers.) Also, stay 'tooned for the latest LOL from Bite Me Comics!

Everybody's spellbound by what Jethro Tull might have called the "shuffling madness" of Mad King Charles and the Little Green Meltdown, and the ex-LGFers at Blogmocracy 2.0 are your go-to source on the All-Time Loser.

Let me end this latest episode of the Johnson Chronicles by saying that I make no apologies for selling ads or rattling the tip-jar:

• From Day One, this has been a proudly capitalist blog, and there is no shame in a direct fee-for-service arrangement between writer and reader. Hit the tip jar.
• Editors? We don't need no stinkin' editors! Hit the tip jar.
• Following the philosophy of Sam Walton, this blog is a low-overhead, deep-discount operation. We eliminate the middleman and drop-ship the brilliance direct to you at low, low prices! Hit the tip jar.

Think of it this way: I'm Michelangelo, you're the Pope. If you dig the crazy scene on the Sistine Chapel ceiling, then hit me for $2, $5, $10 -- whatever you think it's worth. Be a patron of the blogging arts and hit my tip jar.

VIDEO: Ziegler kicked out of CPAC West

Via Gateway Pundit and Texas for Palin:

Perhaps if I'd have been there, I could have intervened to prevent this ugly confrontation between John Ziegler and David Keene of the American Conservative Union, Alas, I was left off the invitation list. Just sayin' . . .

Hot Chicks + Guns = Peace!

Let's face it, the Israeli military has got it goin' on:

I'm all about the hot sabra babes. However, in fairness to the daughters of Ishmael, we present Miss Egypt 2006, Fawzia Mohamed:

Rule 5: A Powerful Force for World Peace.

Balloon Boy? Total PWN!

Just watching the Sheriff's press conference. Oh, there will be thoughtful essays written about the 24/7 cable TV environment, the voracious demand for cheap programming that led to the "reality TV" genre, the resulting fame-quest of obscure idiots, "American Idol," et cetera, et cetera.

But nobody will pay me to write one of those essays, so I'll leave it to the "Style" section of the Washington Post or whoever else gets paid for such stuff.

Moral of the story? People watch too much TV. They begin to believe that being on TV (i.e., what is meant today when we say someone is "famous") is synonymous with wealth, popularity, happiness, et cetera. So they devote their lives to a sort of pilgimage, worshipfully seeking their own place on the idolatrous TV shrine.

These people are fools. TV makes them stupid. Turn the stupid thing off occasionally and read a book, fools.

If anyone actually wants or needs more than that, hit the tip jar for $50 and I'll post an insightful, thought-provoking 1,000-word column by tomorrow morning.

Allah won't link it, but Allah never links me. Allah Hates Me. Because I Suck.

Rule 5 Sunday

by Smitty

Rule 5 Sunday has never been dependant on Technorati, thankfully. The goodness pours in to the email box, and comes out as a post dedicated to the positive, the uplifting, that which puts a smile on the face.

Rule 5 is a No Megan McCain zone. She pimped herself well enough last week.

• Instapundit links to hot geek girls, claiming experience with such.
• HotMES has a post showing the effects of positive peer pressure on men.
• Troglopundit has a post on the negative effects of peer pressure on women. A Rule 5 that sort of shrank. He also follows up Politico's 15 hottest world leaders article.
• Bob Belvedere has some Sophia Loren that should be a guide for all supermodel metrics. He follows her up with Barbara Rhodes and Caroline Munro. Additional Rule 5 submissions, under the women packing heat rule, were a formation of Red Chinese women in green uniforms and Red Christina Hendricks.
• House of Eratosthenes surveys Jessica Biel and Kelly Brook with that scientist-peering-through-artistic eye of his.
• Boom Boom Boom features Ursula Andress from The 10th Victim, which may need to go on the Rule 5 Viewing List.
• Jaded Haven shows avatar, and the comments got into a discussion of my tattoo.
• Cynthia Yockey considers shopping for a bow, though I feel it may be too subtle for her.
• Three Beers Later has a cute cartoon, before moving on to some serious (for Rule 5 Sunday) exercise. Love that funky soundtrack. In restaurant reviews, McEnroe has found an Italian restaurant with a Sophia Loren wall, adjacent the Pope wall. Holy pasta, Batman!
• Fishersville Mike salutes Georgia Frontiere, who moved the Rams to St. Louis and got a Lombardi Trophy for her efforts.
• Adrienne sounds mildly perturbed at us for "posting all the girlie pictures". Rule 5 likes it when the complaint is matched by a suitable rebuttal, since we're really non-discriminatory about matters.
• Rightofcourse features Nebraska cheerleaders.
• Libertarian Advocate monkeys around with a fine brunette and a beer commercial.
• Dustbury explores the concept of Rule 5 furniture.
• Jeffords has a post on personal favorite Jenna Fischer. He missed that Wired cover of hers, a good excuse for a sequel.
• WyBlog endorses Stepfanie Velez-Gentry, for those following New Jersey politics.
• The Classic Liberal has a Van Morrison moment with Rachael Leigh Cook, and has a birthday bonus roundup.
• Nation of Cowards finds courage in international flag bikinis. Go, Canada!
• Smash Mouth Politics has an Ode to Cowgirls.
• Amused Cynic has a clip of a go-go girl in a glass box. Bonus points for anyone that can identify the movie.

That's your Rule 5 wrap for the nonce. Slide your tasteful URLs to Smitty for inclusion.

Tune in tomorrow at noon for more Czar d'Oz, as earlier gifts from Porch Manqué Productions keep on giving.

Update: HotMES also has some bonus Heidi Klum.

Update II: The Indentured Servant Girl features Katharine Ross, AKA Elaine in The Graduate.

Update III: Thought we'd lost Paco, but he comes through with Thelma White.

NY23 UPDATE: Beware the MSM spin!

How much more in the Democratic tank could the Associated Press possibly be?

President Barack Obama and former President Bill Clinton are lending their political star power to an unlikely Democratic bid to win a special congressional election in an area that's been a Republican bastion for more than a century.
The Nov. 3 contest in upstate New York's 23rd Congressional District, a sprawling, 11-county area where registered Republicans outnumber Democrats by 45,000, is shaping up as a test of a struggling GOP and a possible gauge of Obama's coattails.
Obama, who carried the district by 5 percentage points in his landslide victory in New York last year, forced the special election when he named the incumbent, Republican John McHugh, his Army secretary. The president will host a fundraiser for the Democratic candidate, Bill Owens, later this month in New York City.
In a fundraising e-mail for Owens, Clinton called the special election "bigger than just one candidate or one office ... victory or defeat will also be seen as a referendum on President Obama's agenda." . . .

Yeah. Not even until the fifth paragraph that they mention either the RINO Dede Scozzafava or Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman.

Oh, please don't even get me started on Jazz Shaw of the woefully misnamed "Moderate Voice." (With alternative New Media like this, who needs the MSM?) And because Allah Hates Me, he goes out of his way not to link me at Hot Air. -- even after I went out of my way to toss him a softball chance to unload more snark on Sarah Palin.

Pause. Deep breath. Calm. I'm chopped liver, and chopped liver doesn't have feelings. (Blame Eric Telford.) For something truly interesting about the NY23 race, we turn to libertarian Jason Pye:

Scozzafava supports tax increases (refuses to sign a no tax hike pledge), bailouts, the stimulus bill (she would have been the only Republican to support it), card-check legislation, Cash-for-Clunkers, earmarks, the Davis-Bacon Act and the minimum wage. One of the more ironic twists of this race is the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) and Bill Owens, the Democratic Party nominee, are slamming Scozzafava as a tax-hiking liberal. Even Markos Moulitsas called Scozzafava "the most liberal candidate in the race." . . .
This reminds me of the 2004 GOP Senate primary in Pennsylvania between Sen. Arlen Specter and Rep. Pat Toomey. President George W. Bush and the Republican establishment behind Specter, raising money and campaigning for him. While the principled candidate was left behind.
While many conservatives and libertarians are looking for the GOP to get its act together, they are showing that they are still the party of big government.

Indeed. But for a more cheerful outlook, we seek refreshingly factual reporting, and find it from WTTI in Watertown, N.Y.:

Conservative Party congressional candidate Doug Hoffman opened campaign offices in Watertown, Plattsburgh and Canastota on Saturday.
In Watertown, the Lake Placid CPA rallied a group of supporters at the new office at 106 Court Street, telling them it's time to end the careers of career politicians.
"They want to tell you what you want to hear. And then they get elected and they do what they want to do to promote their career. We don't need more politicians like that," Hoffman told the cheering crowd.

A cheering crowd? For a candidate the Associated Press doesn't even mention until the fifth paragraph? I'm shocked!

More at Memeorandum. I might update later, after I go jab some more pins in my Erik Telford voodoo doll.

How is Charles Johnson like a gnat?

Now I understand why I've been getting phone calls and e-mails the past three days: "Hey, are you OK?" Or: "I just want you to know, I think Charles is crazy . . ."

Or, occasionally: "Sue the bastards!"

Godless twerp Barrett Brown (spokesman for the Lemming Herd of Faithless Fools) had posted something I noticed a couple of times in the SiteMeter, but I never clicked over to read it until the wee hours this morning. Why? Simple: I've been very busy, and the link wasn't throwing much traffic and, in case you haven't noticed, I'm all about the traffic.

I Write For Money and, in the blogging business, the formula is simple: Traffic = Money, or at least the potential for money. If you ain't got traffic, your potential for the blog-o-bucks is zilch. Converting traffic into cash ("monetizing" traffic, as they say) is the eternal arcane quest of online alchemists, but focus first on growing your traffic. Everything else follows from that.

With a wife, six kids and impatient creditors, having quit the newspaper business after more than two decades to go freelance and establish an independent career online, perhaps you can understand why I shrug at inconsequential fools like Barrett Brown, who cites Charles Johnson as his authoritative source for this:

A fellow editor at the Washington Times once characterized McCain as "an ill-tempered racist who sat on the other side of my desk for many years and carried on loud telephone conversations almost every day full of racist and ultra-right comments, and often got into loud verbal fights with both reporters and editors in the newsroom."

He can't even get his lies straight! First of all, the former colleague was not an editor, but a once-notable reporter, whose life went downhill after his wife left him. This person's character, and the motives for his attempted character assassination of me, are well-known to many reputable people who can testify as to the truth of the matter, which is contrary to the quoted description. (Recycling the three-year-old "investigative journalism" of Max Blumental? Pathetic.)

Given Brown's ineptitude as a journalist -- monomaniacal fanatics seldom make good reporters -- I would have been content to ignore him altogether. However, in the Great Godless Circle Jerk of Fools, Brown cited Mad King Charles who then praised Brown's "excellent piece" as a basis for calling me a "vile racist creep."

That was Thursday morning and I didn't even notice. The traffic impact was somewhere in a range between "negligible" and "insignificant," and since Wednesday -- with recreational time off to make fun of my idiot cousin Meghan -- I've been quite busy with the key NY23 congressional contest. (Friday night I filed 1,200 words.)

Somebody had posted a link to the LGF item at my Facebook page Thursday but I don't check my Facebook account very often, and it wasn't until after midnight Saturday -- after the undefeated Crimson Tide crushed South Carolina 20-6 -- that I saw the link.

The most ludicrous aspect of this particular reiteration of Charles Johnson's attack on me, with the assistance of Barrett Brown, is the ludicrous assertion that I am somehow emblematic of "The Fall of the Conservative Movement."

Riiiiiiight. Because we know how much CJ and BB care about the Conservative Movement.

A few days ago, amid the 500 or so comments on an Ace of Spades HQ post about the pathetic decline of Little Gestapo Fascists, someone linked to an Alexa analysis of LGF's traffic. To paraphrase the commenter's question: Is the Madness of King Charles -- his "Race Detective" attacks on Pamela Geller, Michelle Malkin, Hot Air, etc. -- merely a bizarre sort of traffic-baiting?

Just out of curiosity, I entered my own URL into the Alexa calculus. Lo and behold, I was surprised to discover that in recent months, there have been days when traffic to my little blog has exceeded the once-mighty LGF.

If Johnson's site occasionally has been eclipsed by a Blogspot site operated by an obscure middle-aged ex-newspaperman who has only been blogging full-time since March 2008, and who has never exceeded 500,000 page-views in a month . . . Dude.

Babylon the Great is fallen! What an embarrassing failure he has become! And if you compare LGF to Michelle Malkin's Hot Air -- would you be surprised to learn that Charles spent his Saturday trying to prove that Hot Air readers are about "neo-Nazi white supremacist stuff, of the Christian Identity variety." (For posting items about Mexico?)

One might easily imagine how it curdled Charles Johnson's blood last month when he saw me providing my friend Stephen Green with exclusive reporting live from the 9/12 March on D.C. -- which was what I was doing when CJ first attacked me.

Envy is an ugly emotion, suited to small people.

All of this I write not to defend myself, but merely to assure my friends and family that everything is fine. Nothing to worry about. I got Instalanched last night and all is right with the world. Just the other day, I responded to a liberal blogger's recycling of secondhand smears:

Having long ago discovered that silence is often the best response to smears, it is nonetheless annoying to see people who have never met me claim to know my opinions on subjects about which they have never bothered to ask me themselves --although my e-mail address is public knowledge and my personal phone number is known to hundreds of journalists in Washington.
To quote the late Daniel Patrick Moynihan, you are entitled to your own opinions, but not to your own facts, and I am damned tired of people stating as a fact that my opinion is such-and-such, based on secondary sources of dubious veracity and questionable motives.

So, to my worried friends and kin: Don't sweat it. I'm OK. The people who know and trust me are more important than the insignificant fools who attack me. I'm trying to raise money for a reporting trip to upstate New York this week, if you want to contribute to the Shoe Leather Fund, but other than that, don't sweat this latest little annoyance.

It's like a gnat trying to rape an elephant. Whatever pleasure the gnat derives from the experience, if the elephant notices at all, it's only an itch.

UPDATE: How insanely self-obsessed is Mad King Charles? This was posted at 4:54 a.m. ET. Exactly four minutes later (9:58 a.m. GMT = 4:58 ET) Johnson grabbed a Google cache, before I even had time to correct the first-draft typos. (Note that, in the Google cache version, the last sentence of my original post concludes ". . . it only an itch"; I'd omitted the possessive.)

That was the version of the post linked at LGF for display to handful of remaining readers, as evidence of my alleged mean-spiritedness. Never mind Charles' malicious attempt to deprive me of freelance income as a reporter/columnist for Pajamas Media, you see: He is always the victim, and therefore any word I write in my own defense is proof that I am being cruel toward Obergruppenfuhrer Banningstick and his Beer Hall brownshirts.

Anyway, it's a sad testament to Johnson's pathological narcissism that clanging alarms go off at LGF HQ every time his name is mentioned anywhere on the Internet, and his minions scramble to grab the Google cache, like so many spaniels fetching downed quail for a birdhunter. Amazing that such a leader should have such loyal followers.

Little Green Footballs: Putting the M Back in S&M!